Merry Christmas!
I was holding Rachel as she was falling asleep tonight and White Christmas came on my Pandora radio station. It was a perfect Christmas moment; a dark house except for Christmas lights, peacefully quiet, with Rachel in my arms. My mom told me along time ago that whenever she doesn't have a camera but there is a special moment she take a picture in her mind. I was trying to soak up that memory, it was so sweet and peaceful. At that moment I felt like being a mom what the most wonderful thing in the whole world.

Today has been a good day in a tough week.
I met Rachel's mom this week. It went well. I went to her home to pick up a present for Rachel. They haven't seen one another in 3-4 years and this was the first present Rachel has been able to receive from her in many years. Since before Rachel moved in with me I have known that Rachel and her mom were going to start having contact again, but it is a strange situation because her mother's parental rights are terminated, meaning that legally Rachel is up for adoption and will not be going back with mom. Meeting Rachel's mom really caused it to hit home that no matter what some legal document said Rachel's mom is her mom. Her mom is very nice, and it was strange because their home seemed so normal and even warm. We talked for about 45 minutes. She asked me lots of questions about Rachel, it was so sad because she really doesn't know much, and she obviously feels a bit desperate to know something. The whole situation is just weird. The visit brought up a lot of confusing feelings for me, and when Rachel received the present from her mom it became apparent that it was confusing for her too. As a result, I have experienced a lot of rejection from Rachel this week. Even though I know that this is a part of the process Rachel needs to go through, it is very difficult and scary. In these moments Rachel gets to chose who she is going to let in, and if she puts up a brick wall to me in her heart there is really nothing I can do.

Please pray! I really think that prayer is my only weapon in dealing with these feelings that run so deep and which Rachel struggles to express. I am glad for Christmas, but the season bring difficulties with anyone who has a broken family so I know it is just adding to Rachel's feelings. In the midst of this I would really like her to know what Christmas is really about.

I was able to go to one of Rachel's classrooms on Friday for a Christmas party, which I think God used to help bring Rachel back to a place of more acceptance of me. All the parents were invited but I was the only one who came. Rachel was very proud to have me there and called me "mom" and "mommy" more times that she has ever said it before combined. She was really proud when some of the junior high boys tried to hit on me. She also loved it that I glared at a boy in her class who has been really inappropriate with her. I know that she plays into his manipulations but it is interesting how important it is for her to be protected by me, even when she acts like she hates it. Because Rachel has experienced so much lack of protection for her parental figures I am realizing how important it is to stress that I will stick up for her.

So today was good, she was showing affection in her usual ways and for the most part she did what I asked without a sarcastic or mean attitude. We will see what tomorrow brings. Your prayers are all so appreciated. May you have beautiful Christmas wherever you are!