...I will fear no evil, for though art with me.
This weekend in Ohio was bitter-sweet. The sweet: my beautiful friend Jessica got married, I got to see Mary, April and Alina, along with a host of other college friends, and it snowed, which for a California girl is something exciting. Also I did not crash the rental car or get stuck in the airport in spite of the weather.
The bitter: upon arriving there I was shocked at how thin Jessica (who has been battling cancer for the last 5 years) was. She was obviously very weak and was suffering with all kinds of medical problems, including pain from the tumors beginning to eat her ribs, a recent round of radiation and a bought with pneumonia earlier in the week. Over my time in Ohio the reality that I was attending both a wedding and funeral simultaneously began to dawn. It was a beautiful wedding. Jessica was the princess she had always wanted to be, her amazing blue eyes, big smile, and blond locks, were in no way dampered by her cancer. Her voice cracked as she said her vows, "In sickness and in health" and "till death do us part." Those words have never meant so much. In the midst of the wedding celebration I felt like my heart was physically breaking. I sobbed half the way home from the wedding. After years of back and forth with Jessica's health, hope followed by despair and then again hope, it hit me this weekend that Jessica's death is really coming, and soon. It is so difficult to get closure when you are saying goodbye at a wedding with a bunch of other people who are all wondering if this will be the last glimpse they have of the bride. There are no stolen silences, time for meaningful words or significant looks, even my parting hug was in the midst of a clamoring crowd of people trying to say their goodbyes, and an exhausted bride trying to get to the car. This weekend was in a way it's own small death, Jessica was physically unable to give any more and soon she will be gone. This may sound like a morbid post but it is just the raw emotion I am feeling. I am so thankful I can feel so deeply right now, even though it's painful. This is big enough to deserve my pain.
Death is a dark river Jessica must cross but she is headed to the most beautiful place, full of fulfillment, joy and communion, free from pain and loss. Jessica and Aaron had the hymn "In Christ Alone," at their wedding. The last two verses could not say it better (actually you should hear the whole song)!
"There in the ground his body lay.
Light of the world by darkness slain;
Then bursting forth in glorious day,
Up from the grave he rose again!
And as He stands in victory,
Sin's curse has lost its grip on me:
For I am His and He is mine-
Bought with the precious blood of Christ.
No guilt in life, no fear in death-
This is the power of Christ in me;
From life's first cry to final breath,
Jesus commands my destiny.
No power of hell, no scheme of man,
Can ever pluck me from His hand;
Till he returns or calls me home-
Here in the power of Christ I'll stand."
I was so thankful for my time with my other friends as well. The time came for them to say goodbye to all those friends too. It was especially hard to part with Alina and Karis, but I am so thankful that we were able to share the weekend with each other.
1 comment:
B - thanks for sharing. So neat to hear how you are dealing and what God is showing you. O praise Him that He is victorious over death!
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