Saturday, September 4, 2010

ice cold water

Most my posts these days, limited as they are, are simply catching people up on the happenings of my life. I try to hit the big things but as we know life is made up so much more of the small things. When I first started blogging I shared my heart a lot more. I was going through the intense journey of becoming the most unusual sort of parent and I was often alone because it was a unique & demanding journey. Having a blog allowed me to sort out my feelings and to share honestly. I also felt the Lord's presence during that time. He was able to be with me when no human could. My blog gave glory to the one who took me through such a transitional time with so much joy. Sometimes in life we have clarity of purpose. We encounter a season that is intense yet the emotions run deep and clear and can be felt like ice cold water running through our veins. More often in life I have felt like my emotions are in an underground cavern. I feel the rumblings of sorrow, or joy, or confusion, or inspiration, but I am too busy or too numb to really experience it, much less write about it. I am swept away in the current of a full life and in the small coves and islands of time away from the rushing of it all I just catch my breath and away I go again. Even when I come to a full stop I don't know where to begin sorting it all out. The ins and outs of my life as a mother, daughter, sister, friend, single woman, working woman, sister in Christ, bring up so many thoughts and feelings... how can I put that into coherent thought? I think that is the beauty of writing though. It forces us to bring into some order that which is so complex. It does not allow for us to shrug our shoulders and go on without making a point. Just a few weeks ago I felt so insanely over committed and full of unexplainable emotion that I thought I was going to burst. Somehow over the last week I am starting to feel alive again. With the fresh start of a new school year and having accomplished a great number of things that needed to be done, I have relaxed inside. I also attribute this shift to a little bit of much needed alone time and a few nights of enjoying an outrageously good time (needless to say, in the form of dancing). Some of this depth of feeling is also a mystery, there is a spiritual battle raging in all of this and even though I don't always know what is what I know my spiritual state drives my emotional life as well. So what is the point of this post you ask? The point is that I have the ice cold river of emotion running through my veins right now. I would have a lot to talk about if you and I could have coffee at this moment. I am full, and that doesn't mean I am all rainbows and butterflies, it just means that I am feeling things and thinking things and I am ripe to share, in other words I could talk your ear off. I hope to post with more depth for awhile, not excluding the posts about events, but including more of my thoughts and feelings about life along the way. I say this with some fear that come the race that is next week, this inspiration may be gone, but I know how I value the blogs of others who share in this way (Paige, thank you for reminding me of that recently) so I hope I can follow through. I love and miss so many of you who are far away (or who are close and I rarely see) and I am glad for the safe circle of friends who read this and will, I hope, read it with grace.

1 comment:

Brian & Mary Hand said...

Love, love, love this post! I can SO resonate with what you're saying! I love when feelings and thoughts are as clear and crisp as ice cold water . . . but, I have similarly felt like the water is confusingly warm or cavernous at times. Great analogy. I'll love reading more of your thoughts. I wish I (could) include more thoughts on my blog. I would need to make more time.

Love you!