March Madness

I am finally coming out of the cloud of tissues and cough medicine that has left me stumbling from point A to point B and then straight into bed without any desire to blog, cook, exercise, clean house or even make conversation. After a great amount of sleep I woke up yesterday morning full of energy and ready to conquer the world. I still have one of those sexy scratchy sounding voices but I can breath without coughing now. We did have our friends, the Tapeneses move in with us for the week last Monday (I need to get some pictures of them). They found a place to rent right down the street so they are already moving out but it's been very easy to have them around. The mom and dad (Ray and Pearl) have been busy getting their new place ready and working, and their girls have been staying with a friend. Grandma Margo (Ray's mom) who mostly speaks Spanish has been here all day every day though. She is very sweet and is mostly content to watch our one Spanish TV station. Unfortunately I got her sick. Due to her illness and her loneliness we have had a funny time trying to communicate. She will start trying to speak English to me only to lapse into a 5 minute conversation in Spanish which I cannot understand. I think she is just lonely to talk with someone even if they don't understand. I am glad it worked out for them to stay with us but I wish I had been a little more hospitable. I spent a lot of time in my room sleeping and reading this week since I wasn't feeling well but that's just the way it worked out.

Rachel and I had a rough week. I actually don't think it had anything to do with the family staying with us or the visit we had with her family on Monday. I felt like the visit was the best one we had so far, everyone seemed more comfortable. I am not sure what contributed to the extreme anger/mood swings Rachel was demonstrating this week but I think it had something to do with hormones. Things are still somewhat unresolved between us and I am feeling very sensitive to the small rejections she makes a habit of directing toward me. I explained to her today that when you don't work things out with people it is like they have a bruise and then when you hit them on the arm (even if you mean it playfully) they react very badly because it hurts more. She still refused to talk with me about what it going on but I think she heard me. It is hard because of her attachment issues I have to be more thoughtful in my consequences. It is hard to find the balance of having standards and being consistent while remembering that often relationship not consequences is the better method to promote change. I have been impatient this week. I just want to force Rachel to do what I say but she has been in a place this week where she will make sure I mean what I say no matter how extreme the consequences I threaten. This just becomes a power struggle and believe me neither one of us has a soft heart in this situation. The joys of teenage girls!

The only other thing I really have to say is that I have clearly decided that I am lonely for companionship. It is hard being a single mom, mostly because I need a companion to help provide some balance to my life and to be in the thick of things with me. While I have desired this as long as I can remember, often good friendships or even a strong sense of purpose in my life have met some of this need. I am in place right now where I am stripped of those types of friendship and it is very lonely. I think I have been really feeling this over the last few months. I am not sure how I will ever meet the right guy at this point and the longer I am single the more terrifying the prospect becomes, but I know that these feelings aren't wrong. I am however at a loss about what to do with them. I think I have to renew my willingness to let God fulfill me relationally because he has not given me a husband or even an everyday friend at this time in my life. It is hard to believe that God is enough sometimes but it is true. God is enough. I must speak this truth to myself.

So that is a rapid-fire, disjointed view of the things that have been bumping around in my snot-filled brain this week. Prayers are welcome. May God bless you all in the week to come!