Heritage

It continues to be a difficult time with Rachel. I am always trying to figure out what is causing her sudden flare of anger but there are too many options to figure out which one it is. Last night she told me that she had to do a "bio board" for her history class, talking about her family's heritage with pictures etc. She doesn't want kids to know she is adopted and she is trying to figure out what to do for her project because she wants to put both her families on there. This was just a reminder of how little I can relate to what Rachel might be going through. I have old family pictures all over my house. My parents are still married and we can sit around and talk about family history any day of the week. I know she feels really torn between her two families and as much as I try to give her permission to be a part of both families it is very confusing. It is a question of heritage. Who am I? Where do I belong? What family defines me?

I have been revisiting how difficult this whole adoption thing is. It's hard to face Rachel's anger and rejections for things someone else did to her. It's hard to know there is a piece of Rachel's heart that will always belong to her bio mom and not me. It is hard to hear her hurtful words, "I will never love you." It is hard to share her with a family I don't trust. The Lord does not call his people into easy or painless situations and this is no exception. I was blessed to have lunch with my friend Ann Ward today. She has been a foster parent for over 20 years and she also has a son with Muscular Dystrophy. She is a very strong and lovely woman who is always seeking after the Lord to have victory over difficult situations. We talked about how our minds and emotions are such war zones. We can't believe everything they tell us. It is such a blessing to have fellow believers who are calling you to "take your thoughts captive," and to "consider it all joy." I let so many things steal my joy. I don't have to fake and pretend I don't struggle but I don't need to be stuck there. God offers the VICTORY over our depression, loneliness, struggle and sin!