So am filling out all this paperwork to adopt Rachel. I have these tiny little spaces to write answers to really challenging questions about everything from my parent's marriage, finances, my support system, and my neighborhood. I was just in the middle of answering a question about the most influencial relationships in my life. I have been blessed with so many amazing friendships that I find it impossible to norrow it down, but in the midst of writing about this it dawned on my that I have really been struggling with loneliness. In thinking about my loneliness it brought up the question how much can you expect from your friends?

I have been so cut off from all my friendships the last month or so. I have been trying to call and get together with people but it just doesn't seem to work out. This has alot to do with my own busyness and a even a little intimidation at being honest and open with them when I don't even know how I am doing. As a working person, and a single mom. I have no husband or roommate that is just there to talk to, and talking is important to help me to process what I think and feel. There are certain friends in particular that I long for right now, those that just "get me," but it hasn't been working out to see them. In my selfish state I wish they would just drop everything and come be with me and hang out talking into the wee hours of the morning, but I know that they too have their own stuff going on. I think we humans always struggle with this. How to be a good friend to others when we feel too busy, disinterested or overwhelmed, and in turn, what to expect of our friends when we are feeling desperate for their love and conversation. Relationships are too complext to ever really have a clear answer to these questions, but I can see being a friend to me now is very different than it used to be. As we grow older, living in our own little isolated neighborhoods with our busy lives and our increasing resonsibilities, how do we ensure community? What can we call eachother to as friends and as brothers and sisters in Christ? I have always wished for my life to be different than this. Full of more community and intentional relationships, but it turns out like I am just like everyone else in America, isolated in my own little suburb. This week at least, I don't know how to be more than that. I just want a friend. Just one good one. One who will come over and hang out and just be with me. Maybe when I am refreshed and know what I think about life and myself again, I can think about community as a bigger goal. After all community starts just one friend at a time.