thoughts to a friend... (that's you)

A friend I haven't seen in a while shot me an email asking how things are. What I wrote her back is about what I wanted to say to all of you, so it is the body of my post tonight. It has been a really challenging couple of weeks and I have so much to say that I have said nothing at all. My struggles are a combination of grief, confusion, sheer inability to slow down (busyness!), and some really struggles with Rachel. After having a break down at Taco Bell (complete with yelling and crying) about a bean burrito tonight, I realized that I wasn't doing as well as I thought I was.

So here are my thoughts to a friend...

"It has been a really hard few weeks as my grandfather just died less than two weeks ago. If you would have asked me couple weeks ago I would have said things were great, but as you know in life when it rains it pours. God has given me so much peace in Him this year. Even though things with Rachel have been very difficult at times I have been so blessed through the whole experience. He has given me so much love her, as if she were my own child. In spite of this peace, between my busy schedule, my grief about my grandfather and Rachel's renewed testing, I am weary. This year have been learning about living outside of my circumstances, truly having faith that God is in charge. Today I realized that in the whirlwind of things lately, I have not been believing that God is enough. The hard thing is that faith takes work. I have to push away the world's distractions, yet when I am stressed I often just pull them closer, watching more TV, eating comfort food, doing a little retail therapy, and generally feeling sorry for myself. So I am still working through all this stuff, but I feel like God has brought me so far from where I was last year at this time, so I am growing, and that's the good news."

So friends, you can pray for me because while I know plenty of things I need to do, I am not sure I know what I need.

Tomorrow would have been Papa's 87th birthday, so I know it will be another day of sharing about Papa, but grieving him too. I know I need the day to get a few things accomplished both internally and externally, so pray that I spend my energy in the right places. Hope tomorrow is refreshing for you too!