The "A- Word" (Adoption that is)

So here is a quick summary of life here. The night of Easter I checked the mail and there was the first round of adoption paperwork. Rachel seemed excited about it, tore it open and wanted to help me fill it out. The next day she started acting out and after a few days of that we had a conversation about why she was upset. She wouldn't identify feelings but when I asked if I needed to stop talking about adoption for awhile she said, "I don't feel like being adopted right now, I don't even want to live with you right now." So I stopped talking about adoption for about a week. During that time Rachel's behavior improved but she was really distant from me, I felt like I couldn't reach her. To complicate matters we had a challenging 17 year old girl stay with us for a few days. We were providing respite for her foster family while they were out of town. As you can see in the picture below we did have some fun times while Amanda stayed with us. When grocery shopping she and Rachel both got in the shopping cart, which was quite a sight! They were having so much fun, that it was worth being stared at down every isle. We made it through the weekend in one piece but I personally felt exhausted going into last week.

Last Tuesday I finally figured out that Rachel had thought I was calling off the adoption when we had had the earlier conversation about not talking about the "a-word" so much. I let her know that I was still moving forward with my part but it is a long process and adoption won't happen until she feels ready. She got angry and said she did not want to talk about it, but she immediately relaxed and started to interact with me again.

On Thursday, after a flurry of frustrating phone calls and back and forth decisions about the limits DSS would put on visits between Rachel and her mother, we had a meeting where Anita (Rachel's mom) attended, as did Rachel, DSS, her therapist, her other social worker, and a few others to discuss the plans for future visits. Rachel was very anxious during the meeting but afterwards we went out just Rachel, Anita, and me to celebrate Anita's birthday. It was a really great visit, and through the grace of God, opportunities happened naturally where Anita expressed to Rachel that it was ok if she wanted to be adopted and that she understood that Rachel had moved a lot and needed a stable home. THIS WAS HUGE! Rachel needs that permission so desperately so she can move forward with this adoption and realize that she can have a relationship with her mom. Since that visit things have been very good with Rachel and I. It is as if with each of these steps new places inside her relax. This is a picture of Anita, Rachel, and me after our dinner together. It was cute, they just happened to wear the same color that day.

As usual things were destined to become more complicated again. Today Rachel received a letter from her mother in therapy letting Rachel know that she would like to have her come back home but that it will be a long process if it is to happen. Sadly she kind of put it on Rachel as if it were her choice, saying that if she wants to be adopted she understands and will support that, but if Rachel says the word she will fight to try to get her back. Immediately Rachel was angry and rejecting of me. I always have a hard time knowing how much space to give her and how much to make sure I address the real issue, the elephant in the room if you will. Finally while driving home I just told her that nothing is going to change in our lives. I am still choosing her, I still love her, and that whole issue of her going back to Anita is just a small possibility that she can think about and ask questions about. I reminded her how great it is to know how much her mom loves her and wants her. Then we went to the gym with some of our friends. That was good because it gave us both space and other people to keep it from being too intense. Since we've been home tonight she seems ok. Earlier she was threatening to run away or "do whatever it takes" to leave my home. She told me I was like a tick that she is going to flick off of her. Sometimes you just have to laugh! She is in the shower now but she was coming and sitting on my lap and getting her cuddle time before that, which is a great sign.

When we were with Anita if felt obvious to me that I know Rachel in ways that she is clueless about. I think Rachel really enjoyed her mom but I don't think either one of us was relaxed the whole time. It assured me that I am the right place for Rachel to be. This is home for Rachel, this is normal. I hope she felt that way too. I suppose it is hard for her to trust those kinds of feelings after so much rejection from home after home, but all I can do is keep showing her and praying.

Well friends, pray for me. I feel tired and emotional lately. I have been getting up late and skipping my time with the Lord too often. I am also disconnected from many of my friends. I have been trying to reconnect the last few days since I noticed my isolation, but it takes time. I am also overwhelmed by all that there is to do in this adoption process. Eventually I have to attend nine classes and they are every Monday and Thursday from 6pm-9pm for a solid month (45 minutes away from my house). I think I might go crazy fitting that in my already packed schedule. I also wonder how am I suppose to parent Rachel if I am gone all the time??? So that's me in a nutshell. God is at work, showing me more and more hope for Rachel. When I take my eyes off the Lord it is easy to get discouraged and overwhelmed by all the details, and the madness, and the lack of control, and the risk. Even with my eyes on the Lord there is a lot to handle in human terms, but these last few months have taught me that God really does give peace in the wildest circumstances. So tomorrow I better drag my behind out of bed a little sooner and call upon the God of all comfort and hope and peace!

P.S. Coming soon is a funny story of my newly developed social anxiety which surfaced last weekend