Introducing... My Beautiful Baby Girl (Teenager)

Hello Faithful Friends!
Thank you for all your prayers, emails, text messages, hugs, smiles, and so much more, in support of my strange, beautiful journey to motherhood. Thank you for understanding my lack of communication including but not limited to, unreturned phone calls, malfunctioning blog, and impenetrable schedule. Busyness and stress are very lonely things. I have felt maxed out, but also so disconnected from all that is going on with those I love. It's called survival mode. The small ways you have let me know that you're praying for me have been such a comfort as I have been going through foster parent certification, working, and setting limits for a teenager.

The last couple weeks have been a time of Rachel testing me. She has been "acting out," for lack of better word. From my perspective some of it has come from anxiety about the transition, some has been to test my commitment to her, and some has been her real struggle with having someone that knows her enough to be in her business, and set limits on issues such as make-up, boyfriends, and grades. I've already given a sex-talk. It's not the normal first month of parenting. This has been a bit scary. It may sound strange but my fear is that I will want to give up. So far I haven't wanted to give up, but I am afraid of that feeling creeping in. I don't want to hurt her in the same way she has been hurt over and over. I feel that Satan has spread that lie over her life, but I cannot live in fear. I have been asking God to take it away from me and sustain me hour by hour.

The other major struggle of the past weeks has been work. Even though it has been nice that my employer understands about this process, it has been a very difficult feeling to have my whole life exposed to those I work with. At work I kept getting pulled aside to deal with something for Rachel (my finances, time off, training, house inspection, home study, scheduling for Rachel, even county politics). If I had had the slightest doubt about this endeavor I would have crumbled under the pressure. That may sound a bit dramatic but that is how I felt. I have had to battle for everything from getting meetings together about her status about her biological family, to getting a schedule that will work for me. In the midst of this God blessed me with the discovery of Paid Family Leave. Just like when someone goes on maternity leave, this partially paid leave is available for foster care. I have 2 weeks off which started on Friday and then I can take another 4-5 weeks within the year. It is the biggest blessing! I am already dreading going back to work. I love being home to cook, clean, pay bills, exercise, and catch up with friends. I can't explain how wonderful this respite has been!

So for the real news: How is it going?
Well, Rachel moved in Friday and it has been great!
I know it's only been a couple days but I think some of the hard work I did in the beginning (as far as setting limits) has really helped. She is very needy for my attention and I have it to give her! After all she has a lifetime of affection and love to catch up on! I feel like I am falling in love with her more and more. We are getting our routine down, and I have been really been trying to have lots of intentional time together at meals, bedtime, and even in everyday things like cleaning together. It seems pretty natural. I have always been a mothering type, and because I have known her for so long, we have come to this place in a slow way. I can see that she is still trying to process the whole thing. She tells her friends that I'm her older sister, but she is starting to call me mom sometimes, trying it on for size. It's a strange feeling to fall in love with a kid, I've never really heard anyone talk about it. I think most moms go through this when their kids are babies, but God is the author of strange stories of redemption. I am in one now.