In the Thick of Things

The weather has been beautiful here! It's been warm with a vigorous bite to the air here and there. I have been enjoying being out and about with my clients, even though being back to work does add a certain stress to my schedule. I think it's the juggling of priorities that gets me, rather than the work itself. Over all it's been smooth. Rachel has Wednesday, Thursday and Friday off school which is my first childcare test. I have been trying to figure out the logistics of where she will be on Wednesday and Friday while I work.

Rachel turned 13 on Sunday. I haven't had a chance to download pictures from the weekend, but I'll tell you more about that later. Overall things went well. There was the usual excessive intake of sugar and an impressive lack of sleep. There were some points when she became irritable, but over all she was able to handle to attention and lack of sleep/sugar combo pretty well.

It has been a hard couple days for Rachel and I. I finally told her tonight that I was taking away all privileges (computer, make-up, extra activities...) until she could earn some trust back. She has been very hot and cold the past few days. I know that there is some definite testing mixed with being tired, and a real anger about some of my rules (especially the no boyfriend policy) but I had to crack down. I was thinking about revoking all these privileges and I prayed that God would give me wisdom. About 30 minutes later Rachel took off in Target and bought a Starbucks without asking me (full of caffeine at 9pm). Combined with the rest of the night's behavior I knew that it was time for me to take some action. Her disobedience in that moment was God's answer to my prayer. This of course lead into a whole melt down.

Each truly challenging night feels like it comes with some success. When I put in the work to remain calm, loving, firm, and communicate clearly, I usually see some kind of softening from Rachel. It feels like one more day that I have proved my love, commitment and consistency... but I have to tell you this is hard. Night's like these involve Rachel saying every hurtful thing she can think of, cussing me out, telling me she hates me, attacking my family, accusing me of things; it's not pleasant. Tonight we made it through and I think she got the point that I'm not messing around. She is stubborn though and tomorrow could be a whole new battle. I just keep praying for God to soften her heart because it's my only hope. It is hard to tell a child to trust and respect you when every adult they have known has proved themselves untrustworthy. Only God can make that feel right for her.

Well please pray for me. I am going to bed exhausted and stressed because the breaks are going on my car (they were grinding when I parked tonight) and I have work and lots of responsibilities tomorrow that I need a car for. These sorts of things (cars, $, logistics) sometimes stress me out more than doing foster care. It might sound weird but it's true. Even though I feel pretty stressed and exhausted right now I keep thinking that I am so thankful for my life. I am thankful for Rachel, my family, my friendships, my little apartment, my church, California, sunshine, Handle's Messiah, hot water, high school basketball games, blogs, books, a sense of accomplishment, the ocean, the frivolous nature of magazines, an education, good conversation, and so much more.

God Bless and have a wonderful Thanksgiving Eve!