Leaving for camp!!!!! SO excited to play in the snow!!!!!

My Sister Autumn, and her boyfriend Chrizzle

The stormy sky's have been so beautiful. It has been raining so much the hills are actually turning green. If you've ever been here you know that's a rarity!

...and she is back, as you can see she didn't get a lot of sleep!

Rachel went to Hume Lake (a Christian winter camp) this weekend and I got my first weekend alone since November. It was so fun to be home alone, I really didn't want to leave the house. We have been having a lot of cold and rain here, an unusual amount in fact. It even snowed at my parent's house for a few minutes last week. I can remember only 2 or 3 other times that has happened. This weather made it even harder to do anything but curl up at home, but I knew I had to take advantage of my grown-up time.

Friday night I went to my brother's basketball game. They played their big rival and one by 3 points- it was a great game! Saturday I was utterly unproductive. Is lept in and then watched the last 4 episodes of LOST's first season. I am hooked! Eventually about 5pm I dragged myself out of the house and went to San Luis Obispo to spend the night with my sister Autumn. I hung out with Autumn and Chris (her boyfriend) all night. We drank a pitcher of beer and went to look at the ocean at night in the middle of a storm! I felt like a little part of me that has been hidden away came back. It was strange to be so free of responsibility and time constraint and to think soley about myself. It didn't make me sad about having Rachel, but it did make me wonder how I can keep from losing that youthful side of me. I went to church with Chris this morning (Autumn had to work). The sermon was really good! Maybe I'll share more about it in another post. Sometimes it is nice to go to a different church, just to get something different!

Rachel came home around 4:30 pm today and we were back where we started, at the junction of rudeness and rejection. I felt myself falling back to my same old frustrated tone. It was discouraging to think that she and I are going to have a bickering relationship. I started thinking that maybe my expectations for her are too high. Maybe emotionally she is not capable of what I am expecting. What I can't figure out is if lowering my expectations is a helpful way of thinking, or if that is a way of not fighting for Rachel's heart. I feel like I have had to fight many people's opinion that Rachel is not capable of attaching to people. I don't believe that this is true. As Christians I don't think we can every lose hope for change, but beyond that, I have seen her attach to people. None the less, I wonder if I am creating too much intensity by expecting more than she can hope for herself right now.

As the night went along Rachel got really angry about a limit I set about her clothing. She started arguing with me and saying things like, "you are not my parent, stop trying to pretend that you are," "I will never love you,"and so on. Well instead of engaging her about the subject of the clothing, I just said, "Rachel I promise I am not going to leave you." I have been saying this to her a lot since last week. Well it was great because she responded by saying "that's what every one says and then they do, I am not going to let that happen again." It is amazing how her responses expose the true drive behind her resistance. The rest of the night I was able to respond to her with so much patience. I think when I have perspective on the real issue, it makes it so much easier because it's not so personal.

I shared this quote by CS Lewis with Rachel tonight:

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”

...She said, "now, he knows how I feel."