too much time in my head

Here is a post I wrote last week but never actually posted. Things are always changing... so it's not a reflection of how I feel this week but it gives you a glimpse into what I has been going on lately.

There is a lot in my heart and head. I always feel torn between the possibilities that writing about it will be healing or on the other hand that it will just make me feel more overwhelmed and exposed. That being said... I'm going to give it a try. So the last week and half has been hard. Rachel has been having a difficult time, I have been feeling lonely and busy, many people I love & care about have really heavy things going on in their lives, work has been slow which gives me too much time to think, my car needs $1000 worth of repairs and last but not least, Ray & I are in friend-mode but we're having lots of difficulty communicating/getting on the same page about what this means. I have been in serious need of friendship but instead I just feel like hiding out from people and being alone. Ironically I have people around me constantly, in that way that doesn't allow you to think, yet isn't really quality time. After feeling full of tension and angst all Saturday, God blessed me with a great conversation with Linda on Sunday at church and a great sermon about Abraham and Sarah. The sermon was about Sarah's doubt and bitterness that God would follow through on his promise to give her a child (she was in her late 80's when he made this promise so I would have some doubt too) and about Abraham's lack of trust in God as demonstrated by his practice of calling Sarah his sister rather than his wife as his own way of maintaining self-protection as they traveled. The beauty is that God used these sinning, bitter, doubting, lying people for his glory and he even went further and showed his affection & commitment to Abraham by calling him his prophet. How amazing that God calls us as his people in this same way in spite of who we are. Sunday morning I had really reached that point where I was crying out "God I can't change my heart... help me!" I had been trying really hard all weekend to change my heart and there was this sudden realization of the true position I am in with God, a sinner with a heart only he can change. It's amazing how long it takes me sometimes to come to that most obvious conclusion. So I feel like I am being a called to be still and wait, which is the hardest thing for me. Like Sarah I need to be careful not to jump ahead and make things happen (Hagar comes to mind). It has been such a great comfort to me to remember that God is in total control. He is not sitting around waiting to see what happens. I can pray knowing that he has my best in mind. I don't think Abraham and Sarah would have chosen to be childless till their 90's but God had a good plan. My life might not be what I would have planned but God is allowing me to be apart of his redemptive plan... what better calling? Ok- so you are hearing me preach to myself right now but I have to say that I have been feeling lots of other feelings (frustration, anger, jealousy, sadness, loneliness, discouragement, fear) and I think it would have been wrong for me to have moved past all those feelings but I can't live there... so I pray and keep preaching the truth to myself!