Restless

from the Alison Krauss song, Restless:

"I just can't stand bein' alone.
Gonna have to change that some day.
There's a restless feelin' in my bones an' I know,
That at times, it just won't go away."


I heard this Alison Krauss song playing when I was sitting at my desk last week and something in it resonated with me. I hesitated to share it because it is very sad and desperate sounding and while I am feeling a little sad it's nothing like this. Don't get too depressed for me :-)


Those of you who have known me for a long time know that I go through periods of restlessness. After college that translated into feeling a needed to move a lot. I just did one major move across the country but I felt like moving a lot more (just ask my roommates, I would talk about it all the time). Right before I took Rachel, I went through a long period of wrestling with what it was I was suppose to do with my life. I applied to grad school, changed positions at work, and moved to a new house, and I was just generally miserable. Part of that was a struggle with taking Rachel, which seemed like a crazy idea at the time but turned out to be what I was supposed to do. There was sweet relief when I finally said yes, because it was what I was called to do. See it's easier when you know what you are called to do. Since having Rachel my life has had a lot of focus. Even though things have sometimes been very difficult I have known with great clarity what it was I was supposed to do & how I was to persevere. I haven't felt restless in a long time, but lately it's been creeping back up... that itchy feeling.

Rachel still needs me, she is still worthy of my focus, but one thing that my short time dating Ray taught me is that Rachel cannot be 100% the focus of my life for her own good. It's not natural for a kid to get as much attention from a parent as she has gotten from me. Ideally kids will have two parents and maybe some siblings and they will have to share attention and time and focus and even their stuff with others. God set up our specific situation so that I had more to give than the average family so I could help Rachel get to that place of lasting attachment. She needed the extra attention I had to give. Even though it's an ongoing journey, she is there. She is secure at this point and she and I need to figure out how to make this work so that she is getting an appropriate amount of my energy and attention. The trouble is that I don't know what to do with myself. I feel like I need something to pour all my passionate and intense nature into but I don't know what that is. I would like it to be a relationship but I always come back to that thought, if God hasn't provided it, it must not be what I am supposed to be doing right now. All that being said I feel like in trying to find a balance I have struggled with swinging too far over into what may be selfishness. I don't know if I should go to the gym for Yoga class or stay home and make sure Rachel is on track with homework. This is just a tiny example from tonight but its a good one because while I know that things have to change I am not entirely sure what my goals are, or what my focus should be. So here are the lyrics I resonate with tonight as I preach the truth to myself:

Psalm 62:5-8
"Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him.
He is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress I shall not be shaken.
My salvation and my honor depend on God; he is my mighty rock, my refuge.
Trust in him at all times, O people;
pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge.
Selah."