This is a picture of my friend Tanya with Rachel and I on adoption day. Tanya is a special friend who I work with. Just to clarify I work with LOTS of people but only a few are my real true friends, and she is one of them. I don't see Tanya a lot at work but we passed one another in hall today and she asked me how I was. When Tanya asks any question it is filled with intention and I found myself giving her a very honest answer, as least the best way I knew how. Those of you that know me at all have probably noticed that I'm a verbal processor. As Alina used to say you can see the "wheels turning" as I talk. Because I am around people so much, sometimes I don't realize how deprived I am of real processing until someone (like Tanya) is the catalyst for my self-reflection. So I told her how I have been feeling in a funk lately and a few of the reasons I think maybe that is. She listened and validated, but mostly just listened, which is a gift of hers.

In the evening, a new friend I am making, Marie (also from work) called and asked how I was. That really got the wheels turning all over again, we talked about many of the same things and I got a little more clarity and she is a real prayer warrior, so I am blessed to know she is praying for me.

A floodgate of emotions is rising up in me and I know there is a lot inside. I know that I really need to repent. My heart has been hard and cold to the Lord lately. I almost couldn't bring myself to teach high school Sunday school last week because I felt so distant from the Lord. I feel like a stubborn and disobedient child. I don't even know why I feel that way but let me tell you there is no freedom apart from living in Christ. It's not like I've been whoring myself out or anything, it's a more subtle rebellion. I think it's almost worse. I'd rather turn on the TV than pray or read The Word. I feel tired and stuck. This is transferring into other areas as well. Last week was a really difficult week for me to stay on track with Weight Watchers. I have also been very short tempered with Rachel and feeling very sorry for myself when faced with her constant small rejections towards me. It's ironic because I think Rachel's attitude towards me is much like what I am doing toward the Lord.

It is hard for me to know how to really repent. I struggle to find real worship in my church, it's a place I love but I seldom feel fed there. I know I need to spend personal time with the Lord but it seems overwhelming to me right now. I need structure. It helps in me lots of areas and I feel like I need someone to walk me through steps of repentance. My brother and sister-in-law have become Orthodox Christians and one thing I appreciate about the way they live out their faith is their confession time with their priest. They explained to me that the priest is there to help ask them questions and help them pinpoint or be more honest in their confession. Sometimes I feel like I need that.

I hope it's appropriate to repent on a blog because I want to remain honest before the Lord but also before my friends. These words seems little shallow but here goes...

Lord I am sorry for the way I wound you day after day with my lack of trust and my interest in myself and things of this world rather than you. Lord I know that you offer Peace like a River! I know there is Power in the Blood! I know that I am not of this World! I have experienced these truths. I dip my toe in the water of your power and love but I think it is better to remain safe and dry on the shore of this world where I have to carry my own oppressive weight and the burdens Satan would have me bare. Lord I need you to change me. I need you to show me the agents of change you have for me. Lord I need companionship with a small group of believers who are faithful and available who can help me stay honest and who can help me process my life and my purpose. Lord you have done amazing things in my life. You have blessed me and turned my face toward you day after day. Do not withhold yourself from me. Forgive me. Thank you that I can ask for that. I know I will receive full forgiveness but help me to realize a fraction of the height and depth of that forgiveness and the cost of it. Amen