Blessed

Well the smell of the pine tree, the glow of the lights, the chill of the air and the Christmas carols are giving me the tingly feeling I got as a kid before something exciting was going to happen. I have tried to plan ahead this year so I can enjoy Christmas... and I am. I can't help but feel that jittery anticipation every time I wrap a present or pull out a special ornament. I have also been super excited about the adoption. It's tomorrow morning and I feel a mixture of nervousness and joy. Someone asked me why I feel nervous and I told them it was the sheer responsibility of the whole thing. I feel certain of my love and commitment to Rachel- I've been certain of that for a very long time, but the idea that it is all on my shoulders is scary!

I remember the night before she moved in with me. I sat in my bed before I went to sleep and tried to write down what I was feeling. It was such a whirlwind getting ready for her that I felt numb. I am not nearly as exhausted as I was that night but once again I feel a little lost. What are suppose to feel when something this big is happening? I keep thinking this might be a bit what someone feels like before they get married but since my life is a little out of order compared to the average person I don't really know. Rachel has been surprisingly excited the last few days but tonight she was pretty withdrawn and had a small melt down before bed. She asked me if her mom was going to be there and when I told her "no" she seemed upset. Questions just made it worse so I'm not really sure what is going on in her head. I am sure that with the happiness about the adoption also comes loss and fear. I talked to her about that tonight while she just berried her head in a pillow. She listened but didn't respond to me and then finally fell asleep as I finished our nightly routine by praying for her. I am trying to prepare myself that she might be mean at court tomorrow as that is her usual response to anxiety (IE:roll her eyes when the judge talks to her or say that she doesn't actually want to be adopted). I hope it's not like that but I have to let go of my expectations and my pride. Never having been to an adoption like this, neither one of us knows what to expect. We just have to wait and see I guess.

In all of this I am trying to figure out how to be. I just threw a baby shower for my friend Paige this weekend. It was a great shower by the way and I wish I had pictures... I'll get some soon I hope. When someone has a baby there are these social norms that we go through like the baby showers, feeling the baby kick, and helping them get their baby clothes and nursery ready. I am not really sure what to do in our situation. Adopting Rachel is just as big a deal as having a baby but its different too. I really have to forge my own path when it comes to how we celebrate it and help others process what it means as well. I think that I understand Mary a little more this year. She was so blessed but I am sure she had no idea what to do with herself when that angel came to her and told her she was pregnant with God. I am not comparing Rachel to God but I do know what it is to do something that is pretty much foreign to others and beyond myself. As I write about this I think I know what it is I feel about becoming a mother tomorrow- a mixture of awe, utter joy and healthy fear.

Blessed am I among women.