A really long post to recap the week...

Here in little Paso Robles California we associate this time of year with the California MidState Fair. Dispite it's big name it's just a little fair complete with 4-H shows and blue ribbons for the best apple pie. It's pretty down home. It goes for 10 days and usually going once is enough for me. Unlike previous years I just got back from my 3rd trip to the fair. Tonight Rachel sang there with the group voice class she is taking. It was cute, they sang a country song and wore cowboy hats!

The first night of the fair my Dad bought us all tickets to see John Mayer. He is one of my favorites, and he makes some fantastic faces when he sings which we got to witness in person!

This is a picture of David, Angela and I watching Colbie Caillate, who was the opening act.
This was the whole crew but for some reason this picture wanted to be sideways.
One of the strange things about a going to concert in a small town is knowing everyone there. This is Rachel and I with my friend Domanique who we ran into at the concert. Dom happens to be my coworker as well as Rachel's old in-home counselor from a particularly aweful time of Rachel's life (no fault of Dom's). My coworkers were everywhere at this concert which was kind of weird for them to see Rachel (their old client) and for Rachel to see them system. Well that is the inbred life I lead. " AAhhhh, small towns."

Well I also spent Saturday night at the fair with Emily, Angela and Rachel (with out height differences it is hard to get us all in a picture as you can see below). We rode rides all night which I haven't done in years! The next day was my 28th birthday and the aches and pains I felt from the rides made me feel old but it was totally worth it!!! Sometimes it's great to be a big kid!

Also for my birthday I went out to a fun breakfast with my fam. Then my birthday buddie, Julie Whitacre (we have the same birthday) came to visit from Nashville just in time for us to celebrate together. My friend Linda threw us a no-kids-allowed lunch after church with some of our friends. I don't have pictures but it was so refreshing! As you all know I need my fix of uninterupted good conversation in life. It was just what the doctor ordered.

Now I can't post without letting you in on some crisis.

Friday Rachel was able to see not only her mom, who she visits monthly, but her brother Ben, who she hasn't seen in years (see the picture below). It was good thing they were able to see each other, but understandably she came back confused and off kilter.

It is confusing enough that her brother is able to live with her mom and she isn't. To be honest it is something not even social worker's understand. To add to confusion on Friday night it came out that her mother had told her that she should emancipate herself when she is 16 and come back and live with her. This caused quite a few difficult conversations this weekend. Rachel feels now that she has to chose what she is going to do when she is 16. Of course this caused her to become very mean and rejecting. Sunday night I sort of lost it and got very emotional and reactive. These comments caught me when my guard was down, and to tell you the truth it is such a confusing situation I didn't really know what to say to Rachel. It is incredibly painful for me to share her with Anita (her mom) but it is even harder to know how much pain and confusion she is experiencing that I cannot fix. We left things badly Sunday night and I had a hard time sleeping. I woke up filled with anxiety on Monday morning. I have been having to pray like crazy for faith that God has both Rachel and I in his hands. The past few days I have had a tight back and headaches, I think my body is telling me that I need some relief from all the stress of life lately. Life doesn't stop for wishing it would. The Lord is my only hope.

So pray for Rachel and I dear friends. We are going camping Friday-Monday at our annual Big Sur church camp out. Pray that it is refreshing not more stressful (this will be Rachel's first year camping with us and it will be a real change for me). Pray for clarity for each of us as we sort out our questions and our feelings. Pray for Rachel's bio family, especially her mom, as we confront this issue and work on building some trust for the future.

Also pray for wisdom of the agency people involved. I feel that someone (preferably not me) needs to try to break through to Anita and talk about the heart of the issue (what is really best for Rachel, accepting a different kind of role in Rachel's life) rather than just trying to control her behaviors. Since I will be dealing with Anita for years to come (and as soon as the adoption happens minus the support of social workers) I have a lot of fear about what the future will hold if Anita stays in denial about the adoption and continues to put Rachel in this position of having to disrupt our family life to be a part of her bio family. The problem is that you can't make someone ready to deal with something as big a losing a kid to adoption. I can't even imagine Anita's pain. I am struggling with a strange combination of anger with her and pity for her.

Even in all of this it is impossible to ignore how far Rachel has come. God is doing miracles! She is expressing her feelings with words (not just anger). In between the moments of rage and rejection (her normal response to hurt, confusion, and grief) she is still showing so much love and attachment with me. She even worked with my friend to make me a leopard print blanket for my birthday (paying for it with her allowance). So even though I know that God has to do some miracles in all of our hearts (especially mine) I know that he has started a work here and he will be faithful to complete it. Please pray faithful friends!

Hope this wasn't too long.

Have a good week!