It seems like it is all I can do to keep up with the everyday groove of life... then it all goes haywire and my exercising, budgeting, cooking, cleaning, blogging and friendships go down the tubes. For a short time this is ok, I can " get all my plates spinning again," as a social worker put it to me today. The truth is that I need Jesus more when I am at the end of myself in everyway. When I learned that my friend Jessica passed away 2 weeks ago I was definately at the end of myself. Even though I have known about her cancer and the reality of her death for so long, the loss of her crushed me. "Grief is a wierd animal," is how her brother put it at the funeral. I think that animal is trying to move in with me. The last two months have been a season of death, my grandfather and Jessica being the most significant, but it has been everywhere. Even though I am sure of God's perfect healing and victory over the grave I still ache for the losses... the seperation... the sadness... and the lack of words to explain it.
While on the one hand I feel so much grief, it is coupled by very beautiful and bright blessings. I have a new position at work which I am really starting to enjoy (now that I know what I am doing a little more). It has provided a raise, a set schedule and coworkers. Now that I work in the office I see the same two girls everyday. Its great! I never realised how lonely it was to work on my own everyday with clients. It is so fun to know who had a fight with their husband, who secretly wants to own a bakery, and what silly voices people make when talking at a computer.
Living in my grandfather's house has also been a blessing. It is much more that I could normally afford. I cannot believe I live in a "real house" with "real furniture." I still have little piles of things I have yet to unpack but it feels more and more like home everyday.
Being able to go to Ohio to Jessica's funeral was another HUGE blessing. I wasn't going to go but due to someone's donation, Rachel and I both left at the spur of the moment and went to Ohio. It was so good to be with others who knew and loved Jessica. It was so good to hug her family, her husband and her friends. It was good to see Ohio, which I identify so much with her. It was GREAT to see Alina and Karis. It was wonderful to take Rachel on her first airplane ride and out-of-state trip. It was so beautiful to see how her lively spirit brought something we all needed.
Last but not least, I am thankful for Rachel. She has been doing so well! I am constantly amazed at the progress. Yes, there is lots that we both need to work on (as anyone who spends time with us will agree) but I see so much healing happening before my eyes. It is a true miracle.
Last July I was struggling and unhappy. If you would have told me all that has happened this year, I would not have believed you; taking Rachel, becoming a foster parent, the Kodatt's leaving, all the ups and downs with Rachel's bio family, my grandfather's death, moving, Jessica's death, a new position at work, and going through the adoption process. The truth is that God has given me amazing assurance during this year. I think the hardest thing is waiting until we know what we are called to lay down our lives for. It is amazing what peace God will give us when we do lay down our lives. I am getting to the point that this stripped feeling almost feels good. I know that I am safest here, when I cannot lean on anyone but the Lord.
I have lots more to say but that's all for tonight.
P.S. The picture above is Rachel and Karis after Jessica's funeral. What beautiful girls!
2 comments:
I've been praying for you, Brooke, esp. after the news of Jessica. We just had an older man in our church die and he was fond of saying, "Death is not the end of life, it is the beginning" As much life as Jessica had in her, it's amazing to think of the life that she is enjoying now. And it's only a short time until we join her.
The picture of Rachel and Karis is beautiful. It's the first picture I've seen of Rachel looking more like a 'girl.' What I'm trying to say is that, I know with foster and adopted children, they want to grow up so fast to leave behind a painful childhood. When you see them just looking like a normal child, it is good because it shows that healing is starting to occur. Maybe it's just my crazy imagination, but she looks more 'healed' in this picture than others.
Anyway, I'm praying for you! :-)
thank you so much for sharing your wild & wonderful journey with us, brooke! we, too, have been experiencing a season of death here, and we can't wait to see the rebirth that god will bring. SO happy to hear that you & rachel are doing well!
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