Change

Dear Friends, it has been so long since I have posted, and for that I am sorry. It is a season of change here. My sister Emily is graduating from 8th grade & my brother David from high school, both this week. Rachel & I are preparing to move to my grandfather's house at the end of month. I am getting ready to embark on my first summer as a single mom, filled with childcare dilemmas and humbling myself to ask for lots of help. Tomorrow I finish the long (and may I add pointless) classes I have been attending twice a week for the last 5 weeks (a requirement to adopt Rachel) and getting ready to dive into the meat of the adoption process (lots of paperwork and personal questions). All of this is mixed with my fears, hopes, dreams, goals, loneliness, failures and grief. I spend all my time in the car (and I do drive a lot) trying to sort out how I feel about all these things. This month those of you who have talked with me know that I have a thousand thoughts going a million miles an hour. I know I need to slow down and think through this "stuff" point by point, and believe me I have been trying, but there doesn't seem to be time. I feel so sad about my grandfather's death but I don't know how to go about thinking about it. I want to lose weight but I am not sure where to make the time both physically and emotionally. I want to hang out with friends, but who and when? I want to cook more, clean more and make more money... as you can see these good desires snowball out of control and I walk around feeling paniced. After all, don't we serve the Lord who says "Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will take care of itself."

It is interesting though, as I have made time the last week or so to talk with others about these rapid fire thoughts I can feel my relationship with the Lord awakening. Since my grandfather died I have felt so distant from God, I think because I really hadn't processes my thoughts with anyone, thus I struggled to process them with God. I wondered if that was idolatry and then the sermon on Sunday made a beautiful point. God is three in one. The Trinity shows that God himself is relationship. Why are we so surprised that our earthly relationships effect our relationship with God when God has created us in his relational image? I do believe that God can sustain us relationally at the times he has given us a path that we must walk alone, but he meant us to be in relationship with other humans. So I have been thinking about this "stuff," and trying to sort it out in my car rides alone, conversation with friends, and in conversation with God and I feel clarity on a few points. 1. I am overwhelmed and fearful 2. I am excited and full of good dreams and goals 3. I am in need of extreme grace (is that a sport?), moment by moment and day by day and 4. I love my chiropractor! (he has fixed me from some awful headaches I had been having). So day by day God is faithful because he doesn't just tell us not to worry, but he promises to take care of us as carefully as he clothes the lilies of the field.

P.S. The picture above is of my family and my Dad's awesome cousins Jeannie and Polly, who were here for Papa's funeral. It is in the living room of Papa's house (which is where I am moving). It is a much bigger place than our little apartment (an unexpected blessing) but it feels weird moving there, especially as we are cleaning out his stuff. This was a special day because it was the first time that Rachel stayed in a family photo. The other few times we tried to take one (Thanksgiving and twice at Christmas), she ducked out at the last minute. This one she happily jumped in! Praise the Lord!!!!