So it was my first mother's day I guess. It was a weird day on so many levels. For one, I felt like a cheater all day. I am a mom to Rachel and yet because she has a biological mom, and because I am so new to this mom thing, I feel like I am being false when I say "thank you" to all the "happy mother's day"'s I've been getting. I hope that changes when the adoption is complete. It might feel more official.

Rachel has had a REALLY rough week! I am not entirely sure why, she has been sick, but I think the rest is just some part of the growth process we are going through. God has given me what I have needed to deal with it, but I have also really had to fight discouragement, as her self-centeredness has been so apparent. I realized that Satan can really get to me by whispering in my ear that she will never have healthy relationships with others. My friend Linda pointed out that because relationships are such a big deal to me, it is interesting that God gave me a kid who is really going to struggle in this area. Well as I have been thinking on this issue, as well as some frustrations I have had recently with the laboriousness of foster care rules, the word I have received from the Lord is that I should not let these things steal my joy. Only through God's help can we be outside of our circumstances enough to remain joyful and hopeful. Today was a test of that joy.

Rachel was very difficult all day. I did enjoy time with my family, we had a big lunch at my house, but my "Papa" (my grandfather) has been in the hospital since Wednesday and got very ill today. We spent a lot of time at the hospital, and when not there, just worried about him. He is almost 87 and it is not a stretch for us to be preparing ourselves for his death. It is very sad for all the family, and we handle it in different ways. It was really interesting trying to mix in showing my mom love and honor, proper care for my Papa and my dad (who was at the hospital with him), being with my siblings, and dealing with a very self-centered Rachel (who was obviously hurting in her own way), and trying to prepare for the very busy week I have ahead of me. I was ok in the moment but these things always hit me later. Finally getting a moment to let my body and emotions relax, the tears come.

So I am ok, but I definitely feel like I need to quiet my heart and pray about all this. Please pray with me for wisdom, engery, time, love, patience, and most of all peace. God has blessed me with so much peace over the last months but it is very easy for me to place my hope in the wrong things, and that's when peace is more like a raindrop than a river. See it's not really about being a mother, it's about living the life God is calling you to, with contentment. Have a great week!