So my friend Betho from high school is getting married to her beloved Nate next weekend. I am in the wedding and it is a privilege because I have watched God do a beautiful thing in Bethany's life, and now He has brought her an awesome man who loves the Lord. Last weekend was filled with wedding activities. Friday night I went to a bachelorette party and afterward we met a bunch of Nate's friends and had a bachelor/bachelorette dinner together. Saturday Rachel and I got to see Beth try on her wedding dress for the final fitting before going to a great bridal shower for her. Even though it was a special weekend with Beth, I have to admit it didn't start out that way.
By Friday of last week I was feeling tired and stressed out. I have learned that I have a hard time having the momentum to do much of anything on Friday nights. It's like I am aiming for the weekend and once I get within stumbling distance I just crash. Well instead of giving into my desire to curl up and watch TV, I fixed myself up, took some advil for the headache I was nursing, and drove to the bachelorette party feeling frazzled. It was fun. I gave Betho a giant pair of undies along with her other gifts just to keep it humorous, and all us girls ordered dessert and French fries (since we were headed to dinner afterwards), which was just rebellious enough to make it taste better. Even though everyone was fun to be around, I found myself feeling so tense and unable to be the cool party girl I like to pretend that I usually am in these situations. The me I remember enjoys hanging out with people I don't know well and can make conversation easily, but at that moment I felt self-conscious, I was stumbling over my words, and all my comments seemed to lay in the air with a boring heaviness. I got in the car to drive to dinner and I left a message for Linda letting her know that I was officially feeling old and anxious. I just wanted to go home to my comfort zone.
I knew I had to force myself to be single and 27 and act like it. Since taking Rachel my energy goes towards her, my family, my work, and a small circle of friends. It's hard to be carefree with so many details floating around in my mind. It's a new balancing act. I have never wanted to be one of those people that forgets how to go out on the town or mingle with strangers and yet there I was, uptight and fighting the urge to go home. I could see that my anxiety was proof that I needed to get out. Yes, I am in a different stage of life where I need to put Rachel first, but I know I have to find the balance to be me in the process. If I was married and a more traditional sort of mom I don't know that it was be any different. I have always wanted to be someone who can "go out." I'm not even sure why or what that means, I think it touches on something in my personality, but I was sure that I needed to force myself to be there.
Well this is a success story because I got my groove back. I listened to a mixed CD my brother made me on the way to dinner and the Third Day song "I'll always love you" came on. The drive to dinner was beautiful, right along the coast as the sun was beginning to set, my favorite time of day. It was a good reminder that I am loved. Love from God is often talked about, but in my experience rarely felt. I have been blessed these past few months to feel the heart changing reality of God's love, often in moments that are a mixture of worship and prayer while I am driving. In my vulnerability being reminded of God's love was great. It was also great to have a beer and start a conversation with an interesting girl once I got there (she admitted she was nervous because she didn't really know anyone there), and then chat some more with the guy who sat next to me at dinner about the 8 kids his parents adopted. I felt myself relaxing and ended up enjoying the night. I also got a great pep-talk type message from Linda. Her advice was to tell myself "you are sexy, beautiful, and interesting." I didn't really repeat that (I mean anymore than I normally do) but it did make me laugh! Once I got over my stuff, it was fun to notice all the people that know and love Betho and Nate. It was also amazing to see how relaxed they were. This marriage is something that just makes sense to them, and to the rest of us too.
What also seems to make sense is that I need to get out more, but if you invite me somewhere I suggest that its not on a Friday night. If it is, please make sure to remind me God loves me and give me a beer.
By Friday of last week I was feeling tired and stressed out. I have learned that I have a hard time having the momentum to do much of anything on Friday nights. It's like I am aiming for the weekend and once I get within stumbling distance I just crash. Well instead of giving into my desire to curl up and watch TV, I fixed myself up, took some advil for the headache I was nursing, and drove to the bachelorette party feeling frazzled. It was fun. I gave Betho a giant pair of undies along with her other gifts just to keep it humorous, and all us girls ordered dessert and French fries (since we were headed to dinner afterwards), which was just rebellious enough to make it taste better. Even though everyone was fun to be around, I found myself feeling so tense and unable to be the cool party girl I like to pretend that I usually am in these situations. The me I remember enjoys hanging out with people I don't know well and can make conversation easily, but at that moment I felt self-conscious, I was stumbling over my words, and all my comments seemed to lay in the air with a boring heaviness. I got in the car to drive to dinner and I left a message for Linda letting her know that I was officially feeling old and anxious. I just wanted to go home to my comfort zone.
I knew I had to force myself to be single and 27 and act like it. Since taking Rachel my energy goes towards her, my family, my work, and a small circle of friends. It's hard to be carefree with so many details floating around in my mind. It's a new balancing act. I have never wanted to be one of those people that forgets how to go out on the town or mingle with strangers and yet there I was, uptight and fighting the urge to go home. I could see that my anxiety was proof that I needed to get out. Yes, I am in a different stage of life where I need to put Rachel first, but I know I have to find the balance to be me in the process. If I was married and a more traditional sort of mom I don't know that it was be any different. I have always wanted to be someone who can "go out." I'm not even sure why or what that means, I think it touches on something in my personality, but I was sure that I needed to force myself to be there.
Well this is a success story because I got my groove back. I listened to a mixed CD my brother made me on the way to dinner and the Third Day song "I'll always love you" came on. The drive to dinner was beautiful, right along the coast as the sun was beginning to set, my favorite time of day. It was a good reminder that I am loved. Love from God is often talked about, but in my experience rarely felt. I have been blessed these past few months to feel the heart changing reality of God's love, often in moments that are a mixture of worship and prayer while I am driving. In my vulnerability being reminded of God's love was great. It was also great to have a beer and start a conversation with an interesting girl once I got there (she admitted she was nervous because she didn't really know anyone there), and then chat some more with the guy who sat next to me at dinner about the 8 kids his parents adopted. I felt myself relaxing and ended up enjoying the night. I also got a great pep-talk type message from Linda. Her advice was to tell myself "you are sexy, beautiful, and interesting." I didn't really repeat that (I mean anymore than I normally do) but it did make me laugh! Once I got over my stuff, it was fun to notice all the people that know and love Betho and Nate. It was also amazing to see how relaxed they were. This marriage is something that just makes sense to them, and to the rest of us too.
What also seems to make sense is that I need to get out more, but if you invite me somewhere I suggest that its not on a Friday night. If it is, please make sure to remind me God loves me and give me a beer.
5 comments:
Hooray Beer! This link is mildly applicable and usually makes me laugh :)
http://youtube.com/watch?v=BfGkhhm4vXw
Brooke when I am home I will steal you away, we will go out, and bring Linda too for I fully support your new resolution. Regardless if it is Friday I'll still give you a beer and say, "you are sexy, beautiful, and interesting," even if you aren't holding a Red Stripe.
I GET this post! Way to fight through the urge and stay out!
You are so funny. I am glad you ended up having a good evening out.
I've been feeling that way myself recently. I think a good interpretive dance would do us good!
Brooke - You are beautiful and interesting. (I plead ignorant of "sexy" on account of being your brother.)
Oh, and hooray for beer.
It's what's for dinner.
Thats it. Not this weekend, but the next (26-27th) we will make plans. I miss you terribly, and you are SOO FAR away. Stop by after work some time.
We always have beer, and we always love you.
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