It has been the most beautiful green color all around me. It is only green for a month or so in this part of California before a golden hue creeps over the hills to remain for the rest of the year. Today I got to go to the park with a client, drive in the midst of a bunch of vineyards in the country, and then sit outside in the 80 degree whether reading and talking on the phone while my client was in an appointment. My friend April called and told me a crazy story which involved getting stuck in a blizzard. I can't even imagine that there is snow other places on days like this.
Things still seem to be going well with Rachel and I (I know I sound a little unsure, but I am always a little wary about what is around the corner). She and I had a spontaneous discussion last night about a lot of really deep issues, including past diagnosis of mental illnesses, and past abuse. She is very confused in these areas. One minute she is admitting that these things have happened and the next arguing that they never did. I always take those open moments to talk with her because they are so rare, but as a result we went to bed way too late. We both dragged out of bed this morning. Ahhh Mondays!
I had an interesting day with a 16 year old client I have been working with. She comes from a family that is notorious for drugs and crime in this area. She is very tender and sweet, and has been amazingly responsive to the positive attention she has gotten from the In-Home Counselors who have worked with her. Right now she lives with her grandmother, and while I am sure her grandmother loves her, she is very negative, almost to the point of being verbally abusive. For some time the client has been saying she wants to leave grandma's house, even if it means going into foster care. Because of some things that happened over the weekend, it is a strong possibility that this girl will be going into foster care soon. Today she called another grandmother to see if she could live with her and she said "no." My client said, "what did I tell you, no one in my family wants me." Sadly, everyone in her family is too dysfunctional to take her. This girl has so much potential and it is heartbreaking to think that she will end up caught in that family cycle. I want her to have someone say "I want you." She needs that. Now that I am a foster mom, I find myself desiring to be the one to say that to her. In my sane moments, this seems like a terrible idea. I see the potential for major competition and drama between the girls. I see the practical issues (not enough room in this apartment, I'd have to move). My more idealistic side thinks it could be good for there to be less intensity by adding a 3rd person. My belief in community causes me see potential for these two girls to learn so much from living with one another. They are actually a combo I can see working, unlike some other girls, but it wouldn't be without it's rocky moments. Then I am back to thinking that I am CRAZY for even considering it! Honestly I don't know that the agencies would even approve of that kind of situation.
It really causes me to ask the question, am I doing this foster parent thing just for Rachel, or as a broader calling? To be honest, I am still working that out.
I need a game plan. I encounter so many foster kids in my work, and I can't be thinking about each one as a potential placement with me. I need the Lord's voice to be separated from my momentary desires.
This leads me to another thought, lately I have been wishing I could have a different job, or at least a different position at the agency where I work. Unfortunately it is not easy to get something else in this area, believe me I have tried. I am praying that God will direct my path. I have my 3 year evaluation this week and I want to talk with my supervisor about this issue. She really intimidates me, so I will have to pray that I can communicate well with her.
Well this has been a rambling post... an appropriate reflection of a day in my rambling thought life, only much more brief. You wouldn't believe all the things I think about all day long!
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