Letting God fight my battles

It was one of those days with a beautifully moody sky where the rain clouds blow this way and that, and the sky scape keeps changing. Slightly drizzling days like this always make me feel pensive (I love that word).

Things I have thought about sharing with you today...
-my mom's funny 50th birthday advice video
-small things I am thankful for that I never get to mention
-how reading the story of Nehemiah spoke to me
-a prayer that sprang into my heart at my sister's band concert tonight
-the Lord's work in Angela (my brother's girlfriend)
-some conflicting thoughts about Christian schools

Well maybe another day...
Surprise, surprise, the one that tops the list is of course about Rachel.

Tomorrow the agencies meet to come up with a game plan for Rachel's future.
When things got quiet tonight I started thinking about the possibility that they will come to me and say that they think we should work toward reunifying Rachel with her family. Oh that would be so hard! Part of it is that such a message will feel somewhat like a broken promise. I asked them to clarify this issue before Rachel even moved in with me, and everyone agreed that her long-term plan was to be with me. If I am really honest with myself though, it's not really that part that will be hard. It is the part of me that wants to be Rachel's mother.

It is so hard to think of myself as a tool of restoration more than as a mother. I know that mothers are tools of restoration, but I am in the strange position of not having a total claim to Rachel, now or ever. No matter what the outcome of these decisions I will always share Rachel with her biological mom because that's her flesh and blood mother. What is even harder to face is that ultimately I may be called to pour out my love selflessly of to help restore this family. My investment is in Rachel and I am trying to shift this to prioritize loving her whole family, not just her. It is hard because I don't love them the same way, and I don't trust them with Rachel's heart. I must remember that God holds her heart, not me. This selfless love is what Christ has demonstrated for us, and only He can help me to walk by faith and not by sight in this matter.

Oh Lord be a lamp unto my feet! No matter what decision is made, it has the potential to drastically change at some point because there are so many factors that will come into play (court decisions, future visits, behaviors and feelings between Anita and Rachel). There is no point where I can stop trusting God in this situation. This feels both good and bad. What a reminder of the truth we all forget... God is in total control. All our plans can be gone in an instant. I keep reminding myself that God fights my battles! Even when I don't understand why something is happening, like the Isrealites I can tell those around me, "I am not afraid, because my God will protect us, and win this battle." I am trying to be open to His battle plan, I have a feeling that in the midst of all that is happening for Rachel and her family, winning my heart is part what He is doing here.