This is a picture of Rachel's old foster mom Vicky with Rach and I a couple of weeks ago. Vicky moved to LA and we took this right before she left. This legacy of leaving follows Rachel wherever she goes. It haunts her, so much so that she spends major energy every day trying to get me to leave her. I am so tired in every way. I am a mess. I want to crawl in a cave for a month or two and do nothing that involves interacting with people.

For the last week I have been needing to fill you all in and ask for prayer but I just haven't been able to write down my thoughts because they feel too heavy and complex to communicate. To summarize things, Rachel's future with me is undecided. The meeting we had last Monday made it plain that Rachel's mom would like to try to have her parental rights reinstated down the road. After a tumultuous few days of phone calls and meetings it seems we are waiting for all the agencies involved to decide where they stand on the issue (moving toward family reunification or adoption with me) in their recommendations to the court. Even if they decided that they still want to pursue Rachel as an adoption placement in my home, either Rachel or her mom could try to fight that at any time, and at that point it is up to the judge. Mildly put, this is unsettling.

Monday night I was unable to sleep and the next day God sent me Ann Ward who has been a foster parent for 22 years and who works for Family Care Network as a parent partner for foster parents. She is a Christian and was really able to offer me comfort, reminding me that God is in control, and giving me the spiritual and practical advice that I really needed to hear. I started to feel peace again, realizing that with the Lord, I can have peace in the craziest of circumstances, even when the social workers are freaking out. There is a lot more to last week but after tonight's interaction with Rachel I feel like I am back in that place of pain and doubt that I have been struggling to get away from all week.

Rachel goes to court tomorrow for her case to be reviewed. It is normal procedure for this to happen every 6 months for foster kids. She told me tonight when she was angry with me that she is going to tell the judge that she doesn't want to live with me, and that she wants them to find a family member that she can live with. When she told me that, I wanted to surrender. I can tell myself that she has to test me, and the system to see how safe she is here, but there is this corner of my mind that feels like what she is saying is true. I am so tired of trying to fight to love her when she pushes me away over and over. I am tired of trying to figure out what is going on legally, dealing with all the crazy people and policy. I am tired of trying to be ok with everything. I am just so tired.

So just pray for me. I am sure this post seems rather the opposite of what I have been writing about trusting the Lord. You may be right. I am a complete sinner right now, laying in my sadness and selfishness and exhaustion. Rachel asked me tonight "why did you have to take in a bratty, selfish bitch?"(referring to herself). It's because I love her fiercely and as unconditionally as I know how. The good news is that God's love for me is so much bigger and better than what I can give Rachel. So Heavenly Father, take this bratty, selfish, bitchy daughter of yours and renew me!