Upsetting in a Good Way

So I have found that it's pretty hard for me to figure out what to blog about when its just everyday life. The good news is that if I wait a few days, something upsetting (in a good way) happens, and I have something to say, and today was such a day.

So the update is that last week things with Rachel got a bit better, she was a little less rejecting and I got a glimmer of hope that we might be through that rough patch. Then the last couple were increasingly worse. It's not the big outburst and limit testing that she was doing in the beginning (I was good at dealing with that), but it has been a sense of hard-hardheartedness and even meanness. In small ways all throughout the day she pushes me away, rolls her eyes at me, makes negative comments about me, makes unrealistic demands, and is just irritated in general with every breath I take. On Sunday I started sending her to her room every time she was mean or rude, mostly for my sanity, but that really hasn't allowed me to reach her heart.

Well this morning started out with her telling me, "you are not my mother- stop trying to replace my mom," as she slammed the car door and walked off to school. I felt ready to jump out of my skin. I thought about dragging her back to the car and making her sit there until we had it worked out, but who was I kidding, I was not in a good place to deal with her attitude. I had a long drive into work so I listened to NPR, tried to call a friend, and PRAYED! Well let me just say that sometimes it is nice going to work just so I can get a break from my personal life for a minute.

God began answering prayers right away. I talked with Rachel's social worker, who had already been thinking about a plan to try to make Rachel's relationship with mom go smoothly. Part of her thoughts were how to help Rachel and mom stay realistic in what their relationship can and can't be, and how Rachel's mom can support me (strange circumstance huh?, but it sounds like mom is open to that). Rachel and I sent her mom a Christmas present, and some pictures. I have heard from quite a few people that this meant a lot to Rachel's mom. Even though it is hard for both of us to share Rachel, a good relationship between us could be amazing for her, so this process of setting up visits with mom is HUGE. It felt good to have so much support, and to see that the social worker was aware of how difficult things have been lately. Just the smallest validation goes a long way, so by the time I went to pick Rachel up from school I was feeling much more calm. Then we went to therapy.

Rachel and I go to a therapy center that specializes in adoptions and kids with attachment issues. Rachel let loose once we got into the session, cussing me out, giving the therapist a long list of grievances, and stating that I "ruined" her life and that she does not want to live with me (referred to as "that fucking bitch") anymore. I was so thankful to have that third person there to help me, because I have been starting to feel so defeated by her hostility lately. Even though I can tell myself it is a defense mechanism, Rachel is very convincing! The therapist was great and really called Rachel out by asking her questions about where she would like to be and what she wanted to see happen. She did not really have any realistic answers to those questions. Both the therapist and I talked about how Rachel had to do her part to make our relationship work, and how it is her choice at this point. Then Rachel asked "well what if Brooke decided to give up on me?" It became clear that this is really the heart of issue. It is interesting because I have been feeling like all the resistance has to do with confused feelings about her mom, but I think a huge part of it has to do with Rachel's fear of abandonment. When we left I knew Rachel had heard but she wasn't really saying anything.

Life went on... dinner, youtube, homework, my brother's basketball game.

Well all of this lead to a really interesting discussion tonight. We have been reading The Child's Story Bible every night and it has been a really amazing time for both of us. I am trying to be patient to let her learn about the Lord as we read through this, because the spiritual questions are coming so fast, and it's hard with out her knowing the whole story. Her thoughts and questions tonight were so profound though. First, Rachel came right out and identified that she is angry at God for allowing her to suffer in foster care for 7 years and never doing anything about it all that time. Then she asked me so many questions like "what if none of this God stuff is real?" I had to try to explain the Trinity, and respond to her statement, "why does God have to be a man? I wish he was a woman, then he would understand so much more." I won't tell you all my responses (I felt pretty inadequate). I tried to show her how many people in the Bible had messed up lives, or were the least of the least, and yet God had a plan. Joseph's story is one of the most powerful comparisons, he was totally abandoned, sold into slavery, falsely accused, and he had to wait a long time for restoration with his family. The other thing I did was encourage her to tell God about her anger, in fact yell at Him. I told her He is big enough and He can take it. She has mentioned many times that she wants to hear God's voice. I told her that God's voice comes in many different ways, but I told her I would pray that she could have a tender heart to really hear God. I ask that each one of you prays fervently for that with me. Interestingly, our Bible reading tonight (after this conversation) was Samuel, who heard God's voice. I beg you all to pray for a tenderness in Rachel's heart, that only God can help her feel safe enough to have. Please PRAY, PRAY, PRAY.

So sometimes things are so bad they are great, and that's where we're at tonight. Sorry for the excessively long post, but I just was to let you know that God is real here, so don't stop praying! We can use all we can get!