breathe, shine, and seek to mend

Take II

2011-09-06T15:13:00.000-07:00

http://breatheshineandseektaketwo.blogspot.com/

You might have given up on me but I am starting the 2nd Edition of Breathe, Shine & Seek to Mend at the address above. Follow me there! It's a new phase of life. For now I am going to leave the blog open instead of private so invite others to join me too (as long as they want to follow my super random thoughts). Hope you enjoy!

Praise the Lord!

2010-11-03T20:28:00.000-07:00

I don't know any way to celebrate Rachel's 3 years with me other than to say "Praise the Lord!" Yesterday was the anniversary of the first day she moved in with me. It's sort of crazy how a life that seemed full of risk and challenge has slowly just developed into our family. God has done so much healing, far beyond what I could have imagined!

One small example of how far we have come happened today. It represents a million such moments I am constantly experiencing. I was on the phone with Rachel's bio-mom Anita. Anita told me that she ran into Rachel's dad yesterday, who is a very creepy and bad man. She went on to tell me that she remembered something from the past that Rachel had told her about how he had threatened to kill Rachel in her sleep if Rachel told anyone about the abuse that was going on. Anita said, "no wonder she is always so scared at night." It is true. Rachel has been a restless sleeper and is very easily frightened at night, but the last month or two she is starting to change. She gets up much less during the night, she can fall asleep without me shutting every blind in the house first, and she was even able to stay home alone while Linda and I went for a walk tonight even though it was dark out. She feels safe here in her home. God is so good! Above is a picture from that first week. Wow! It feels like a lifetime ago!

2010-10-27T11:21:00.001-07:00

Sorry it has been so long since I have posted. Life gets away from me so quickly and I find it much easier to pick a new background for my blog than try to summerize life. This is, in fact, true on a larger level. When I can't quite put a finger on things emotionally, I have a strong desire to eat, watch TV & shop, things I can control to feel "good" while remaining emotionally numb... not great solutions. Since I am broke and trying to lose weight again, my idols are being challenged. I am sure every morning God is saying, "why won't Brooke just cast her cares upon me??" I know that I am needlessly carrying around anxiety but I don't know how to stop... I hate that! I wish I could just recognize my sin and then stop but it doesn't often work that way. My solution for the night is to go to bed. Sometimes I think all I really need is more sleep :-)

2010-09-15T21:02:00.000-07:00

...another tale of perseverance and growth! Rachel, who failed Algebra twice last year has been diligently working on her math skills over the summer. Since the start of this school year she has shown a new maturity and motivation and it seems she actually wants to pass her classes. When you have a history of doing poorly in certain classes it is easy to get discouraged and think you are stupid so I have been really impressed at her new found perseverance. Rachel has been working hard to stay on top of her math homework but the proof was in the pudding when she had to take her first test of the year. She text me a picture of the result yesterday and I was literally jumping up and down and squealing. She got a 39/40! She said to me, "I am actually remembering things." I'll be honest... that is more than I can say about Algebra.

Dichotomy

2010-09-13T19:14:00.000-07:00

I am a living dichotomy. All the time. Sinner & Saint among a million other small polarities I embody every day. Currently I am full of emotional energy and yet exhausted physically as I fight off a virus, a walking, talking dichotomy sitting here staring at my computer.

For weeks now I've been rubbing against two seemingly conflicting emotions, delight and despair. The more these two things have been rattling around like marbles in my head, the more I am starting to suspect that they are the result of God's powerful work around me. I am a little afraid to make this assertion. I am pretty sure it sounds presumptuous, but I cannot work out what I am experiencing in any other way. What I mean is this, I have never been encountered so many bizarre, tragic, evil, crazy situations as I have observed this year. Almost every member of our close-knit small group has some very heavy or downright oppressive situations happening in their lives. In my own biological and church family and in so many of my closest friend's families I have seen years of realational struggles rise to the surface. Addiction has climaxed, mental illness has peaked, abuse and the effects of abuse have continued to rear it's head, hopelessness has gotten a foothold in people's lives and is causing a great, slow, smoldering destruction. Marriages are crumbling all around me; young couples with unfaithful spouses & older couples with years of hurt built up around themselves. In strong Christians I have see such weakness. I have seen my fellow brothers and sisters give into sin only to be swept away by it. I have struggled along with my friends to answer the question, "how do people change?" and as we become more and more discouraged we have begun to simply as, "do people change?" I have witnessed young Christians come under hostile attack for their faith. I have seen so much hurt and so many stuck people and after awhile it's crushing, how can we fight such brokenness?

On the other hand I see the Lord really working in people. There is something beautiful and dynamic happening in our small group. There is real relationship, real challenge, real conversation and real change. As I observe Rachel's life I am constantly blessed and shocked by God's faithfulness and the miraculous forward movement I see. He takes my small faithfulness and multiplies it daily. I delight in watching the young energy and friendship between Rachel and Desiree (the other kiddo who lives with us). Desiree could not be a more perfect fit for our family and it is a real joy to have her in our home. I delight in nurturing them, it feeds a part of me God created, and I enjoy the gift of mothering. I am blessed by my pastors who Shepard tirelessly and yet don't seem discouraged. I feel blessed because in the midst of all this wartime ruble I have been given so much. Through all this hardship God is also opening new doors of conversation with those around me. My faith is beginning to contrast the World more which is a hard thing, but a good thing too. Also as I walk among those who are living through great struggle there is an intimacy, a trust, a one-anothering that has developed. The raw situations have brought us such honesty with one another and God has blessed us with such faithful friends. The elders have given me the responsibility to coordinate community development in our church and I feel very passionate and excited about this, and yet I fight discouragement almost before I have even begun. So as you can see I am filled with delight but despair is nearby.

As I think about the intensity of these two forces, I cannot help but feel convinced of a Spiritual battle taking place. One thing I learned through the first year I had Rachel is that God calls his children to step out in faith and what he calls them to is much more than they could ever handle on their own. He does this so that He may be GLORIFIED. It feels as if Satan is trying to tear down that which is good (families, marriages, small groups, churches, friendships) but the beautiful thing is that God is his great wisdom is using Satan's attacks for his purposes. He is bolstering friendships, he is taking away the superficial and replacing it with truth, he is forcing our hand so that we must deal with our sin, and the sin of our neighbor, he is making us weak so that his power can be made perfect in weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9), he is making us foolish in the eyes of the world to shame the wise (1 Corinthians 1:27), he is giving us perfect love which casts out fear (1 John 4:18). We must fight despair. I feel like I have legitimate reasons to feel overwhelmed by the brokeness around me but that is why I have been praying for the Lord to keep me from despair. What I am finding is that I can feel his Spirit at work in me. I am weak, and I feel capable of being swept away by sin or depression or apathy as quickly as the next guy but I feel his voice saying "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." and like Paul I say, "Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." (2 Corinthians 12:9)

Never Give Up

2010-09-05T15:51:00.000-07:00

I love this story in the New York Times about a South Korean woman who finally got her Driver's License after 960 tries. This is a real inspiration for perseverance!

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/09/04/world/asia/04driver.html?pagewanted=2&_r=2&ref=world

ice cold water

2010-09-04T22:45:00.001-07:00

Most my posts these days, limited as they are, are simply catching people up on the happenings of my life. I try to hit the big things but as we know life is made up so much more of the small things. When I first started blogging I shared my heart a lot more. I was going through the intense journey of becoming the most unusual sort of parent and I was often alone because it was a unique & demanding journey. Having a blog allowed me to sort out my feelings and to share honestly. I also felt the Lord's presence during that time. He was able to be with me when no human could. My blog gave glory to the one who took me through such a transitional time with so much joy. Sometimes in life we have clarity of purpose. We encounter a season that is intense yet the emotions run deep and clear and can be felt like ice cold water running through our veins. More often in life I have felt like my emotions are in an underground cavern. I feel the rumblings of sorrow, or joy, or confusion, or inspiration, but I am too busy or too numb to really experience it, much less write about it. I am swept away in the current of a full life and in the small coves and islands of time away from the rushing of it all I just catch my breath and away I go again. Even when I come to a full stop I don't know where to begin sorting it all out. The ins and outs of my life as a mother, daughter, sister, friend, single woman, working woman, sister in Christ, bring up so many thoughts and feelings... how can I put that into coherent thought? I think that is the beauty of writing though. It forces us to bring into some order that which is so complex. It does not allow for us to shrug our shoulders and go on without making a point. Just a few weeks ago I felt so insanely over committed and full of unexplainable emotion that I thought I was going to burst. Somehow over the last week I am starting to feel alive again. With the fresh start of a new school year and having accomplished a great number of things that needed to be done, I have relaxed inside. I also attribute this shift to a little bit of much needed alone time and a few nights of enjoying an outrageously good time (needless to say, in the form of dancing). Some of this depth of feeling is also a mystery, there is a spiritual battle raging in all of this and even though I don't always know what is what I know my spiritual state drives my emotional life as well. So what is the point of this post you ask? The point is that I have the ice cold river of emotion running through my veins right now. I would have a lot to talk about if you and I could have coffee at this moment. I am full, and that doesn't mean I am all rainbows and butterflies, it just means that I am feeling things and thinking things and I am ripe to share, in other words I could talk your ear off. I hope to post with more depth for awhile, not excluding the posts about events, but including more of my thoughts and feelings about life along the way. I say this with some fear that come the race that is next week, this inspiration may be gone, but I know how I value the blogs of others who share in this way (Paige, thank you for reminding me of that recently) so I hope I can follow through. I love and miss so many of you who are far away (or who are close and I rarely see) and I am glad for the safe circle of friends who read this and will, I hope, read it with grace.

Little G

2010-09-04T16:51:00.001-07:00

It is like a baby explosion everywhere I go. I see pregnant women in my Step Aerobics class, walking around my neighborhood, in every coffee shop and grocery store I go into. I could swear that 50% of my friends on Facebook are pregnant. Within the span of 24 hours on Wednesday I got two adorable text messages about babies being born (shout out to Brian, Susan & little Rose and Julie, Garrett & little Brandon).

Let's be honest though, some of these babies are more important than others. One of the most important babies being cooked right now is little Gregory, my nephew (brother and sister-in-law's kiddo) who should be making an entrance into the world in a month and a half or so. It is sad that Jesse & Kelly live all the way in Texas but it was awesome that Kelly was able to come visit in early July for her cousin's wedding so that we could see the round belly that little man was giving her. We also got to throw her a shower and it was very sweet to see how emotional she became, especially over any item that pictured a dog. Having been gone for a week, Kelly was missing her dog and it seems our normally not so emotional Kelly has become quite a weeper with pregnancy hormones pumping through her.

Kelly really relished each gift, especially some old baby clothes of my brother's which my mom was able to give her. It was a very sweet shower. Unfortunately my camera stopped working part way through the shower so my pictures are limited (and mostly stolen from someone else) but it was wonderful to experience how excited Kelly is and how blessed she felt. Since they are naming this little nephew of mine Gregory, I thought I would come up with a nickname (because everyone needs a nickname). I am trying out "Little G," thus the title of my post, but if he is a Cone-sized baby we may be calling him "Big G" before you know it.

Big Sur

2010-09-04T16:40:00.000-07:00

How can I catch you up on a Summer of mine without mentioning Big Sur? As everyone knows we head there every year with our church family to camp... I've only missed one out of the last 27 or so years. This year we were able to bring our new roommate Desiree (who can be seen with Rachel and I in the scary camping picture above) who had just moved in with us a few days before. I think the large group of people she didn't know might have been a little overwhelming but she and Rachel had lots of fun together, especially riding the tandem bike our friends Taylor and Dom had brought with them. It was an exceptionally cold year so except for a fun hike on Saturday with my dad, David & Tess I spent most the time close to the fire and bundled with as many clothes as I could pile on. It was relaxing to be so low key but when it was time to come home I was happy to get away from the foggy coast and back to warmer weather and my own bed.

Smoke Sitting

2010-07-18T12:15:00.000-07:00

I am still trying to catch up on blogging which is why I am telling you about something that happened at the beginning of July. Rachel and I did a little house/horse sitting for my coworker Jamie. Jamie lives just up the hill from my parents... about 15 minutes out of town. It was quite a scheduling nightmare trying to get out there in time to feed the horse, working (my job is about 45 minutes away), and making it to all the various events of the week (baby shower for my soon to arrive nephew, working out etc). It reminds me why I am not cut out to live in the country, I am way too social. On the flip side once we were out there it was quite peaceful and it was beautiful to watch Rachel's love for Smoke, the horse we were taking care of. She really loves animals and has done some things with horses in the past so she actually knew way more than I did about what we were doing. She never complained about taking care of the horse even if it meant getting up early (and she is NOT a morning person) and scooping poop. Jamie also has a Wii Fit which was a total blast! I was obsessed with the flying game to the point where my arms were sore the whole week. :-)

The bigger picture of this house sitting week is the story of redemption that was underlying it all because Jamie actually used to be Rachel's social worker at FCNI, where I work. Jamie was the social worker for Rachel when she was in a foster care program that was a level system, and it was a really horrible time of her life. Rachel was very angry and the level system triggered her even more. Her poor behavior at that time had caused the professionals to decide that she was to be sent out of state to a group home. It was right at that time that I decided to take Rachel, which is why she did not end up at that group home. Jamie did not think it was a good idea for me to take Rachel and was of the opinion that she would be better off in a group home. It was understandable as she had really only experienced Rachel at her worst and did not see a lot of hope for her. The wonderful thing is that Jamie is a believer and she is very honest full of grace and she and I were able to talk through our difference at that time and since. We have now become great friends, which is good because my current job requires us to work closely with each other every day. Once Rachel was adopted Jamie invited us over to her home and the fact that she was now willing to trust Rachel with her home and her horse (who is like her child) is an incredible work of healing. How wonderful for Rachel to go from being that troubled kid cussing out her social worker to a responsible teenager invited into someone's home and trusted with all their most precious things (and pets).

4th of July

2010-07-16T22:22:00.001-07:00

Independence Day::

The family was a tired from a long week but we wanted to hang out since we hadn't seen each other in a while. In years past we have a big fireworks show on the hill behind our church so we have a big church thing. Due to lack of funds, fireworks in Paso Robles were cancelled this year.

So after church we ate lunch and then headed to Serra Alto, a beautiful little campground/trail nearby. We were trying to do something outside while avoiding the madness of the beach. We set out on what proved to be a pretty good hike (about 3 miles straight up). It felt good to be in decent shape and it was a really fun time with David and Emily (we broke away from Dad, Mom & Rachel early on). Dad ended up catching up with us and we all made it to the top. Mom and Rachel made it most the way as well. It was super clear with perfect weather and the views were amazing! After our hiking adventure we ate some dinner... then a little dessert...played a game and then waited for dusk. When it started to get dark we headed to the little town of Templeton where fireworks are legal, and went to the city park to shoot off some fireworks my dad got from one of those little roadside stands. Crammed with a bunch of other Americans into a small city park in the center of town it felt like the epitome of small town USA. It was total chaos with fireworks going off everywhere! The noise and the smoke and the fear of getting hit in the head with a firecracker made us all laugh and laugh and laugh... although I think Emily was genuinely frightened. It was a blast! After the park my mom hung around and we stayed up late and watched a Norwegian movie (it was called Trouble Waters... very interesting), which I could do without guilt because I had Monday the 5th off. It was a great end to a really pleasant day. Someone at work said it well... 4th of July is great because you get to eat, and hang out with friends, and do stuff outside, and unlike other holidays there is very little to prepare. Well maybe this resonated with me because I have just been way too busy but that being said... for totally unpatriotic reasons... I'm a fan of the 4th!

Construction Camp

2010-07-15T19:11:00.000-07:00

The main question I have gotten lately is "what are you doing with Rachel this summer?" The answer is I don't know, and yet somehow it all seems to be working out. Rachel told someone last weekend that this is "the best summer ever." With a little of this and a little of that life is full. Rachel has been able to do some independent adventures, we've been the recipient of some free tutoring, and my amazing support system has continued to take turns loving on Rachel for a day here and there, giving her rides and keeping her in line. She is even hanging out with friends a little more :-).

Rachel got to kick off the summer by going to a Construction Camp for girls at the local University. It was a free day camp in the town of San Luis Obispo where I work (about 30 minutes from where we live) so we got to ride to and from work/camp each day which was fun! Construction isn't really her cup of tea so I was surprised when she jumped at the idea of attending. She seemed to have so much fun each day that I wanted to ditch work to go with her. It was run by a bunch of women in the construction industry and they got to do all kinds of fun hands on projects in different areas of construction including electrical, concrete, surveying, power tools, safety and basic contracting. Rachel got to bring home some of the projects she did along with a hard had and a pink tool belt... what more can a girl ask for? While she had a great time at the camp I am not sure how much she got out of it. They had a little "graduation" with a slide show and in every picture she was the kid that was totally distracted looking in the opposite direction of the instructor. That's my girl!

The next adventure we are looking forward to this summer is our camping trip to Big Sur, then Rachel is going on the 10 day youth group Mission's Trip to Utah. It was fun to see Rachel get to experience being a "normal kid" and really relax into that role. This being our 3rd summer together there is such a difference and it's amazing to see the increase in her maturity as well.

As a single mom who works full time, summer is all about God's provision... he has blessed us greatly!

Relay for Life

2010-07-15T19:06:00.001-07:00

Our awesome team poster designed by Angela... so artistic!

Angela & Jessica B making bracelets as one of our fun raisers

The popular tutus!

My two coworkers and friends, Corinne and Jennifer.

Corinne's sister Tiffany is battling breast cancer so we put her face in the place of "Rosie the Riveter" because she's are hero!

Here are the beautiful luminaries

Here are some great pictures of us SUPER tired after a long night...right before the relay ends

Linda and Angela aren't too tired to ham it up!

Some exhausted team members eating breakfast

...and Rachel finally crashed

We were able to participate in the Relay for Life at the end of June. This is a 24 hour Relay where someone from each team must be walking around the track at all times. It is all focused on raising money for the American Cancer Society as well as educating about different types of cancer. A big focus of the event is honoring those who are going through cancer treatments, have survived cancer, or who have passed away from cancer.

Our team was made up of a strange mix of friends and acquaintances who had different ties to cancer. One of my best friends from work had a sister who is 25 and going through chemo for breast cancer so she and all her sisters participated. Another girl from work came with her boyfriend, she had a mom and an aunt who died from cancer. Our team captain had leukemia as a toddler, and almost everyone on the team had some friend or family member who had been touched by the disease.

As you will see in the pictures we had a "Rosie the Riveter" theme to go with our team name,"No Battle Too Big." Each team did an on site fund raiser. Ours were these adorable tutus for little girls (and adults too). We called them Tutus for Tatas because we were raising money to fight against breast cancer. They were a hit!

I did the relay in honor of my friend Jessica Frailey Vannatta who died from cancer 2 years ago. Parts of the event were really fun... it's 24 hours of constant activity to help people stay awake, so there was lots to see and do. Rachel was running around like a crazy lady- all hyped up on energy from the event itself plus a little whacked out from her steroids due to the allergic reaction the week before. This came in handy when we needed a sales person for our tutu fundraiser and when we wanted to nap in the middle of the night and needed someone to keep walking around the track. To give a snapshot of what I mean, when my friend Corinne got up at 5am to walk her shift, Rachel was up with a boom box on her shoulder dancing around the track and yelling "rise and shine" to the various camp sites. It was good times.

On Saturday at dusk they do a luminaria ceremony to honor those who have passed away from cancer or who are cancer survivors. I made a luminary for Jessica. It was really powerful to walk around and see how many lives cancer has profoundly effected. It is such a symbol of The Fall. A disease taking over otherwise healthy organs and destroying lives in full swing. Young mothers, small children, men who loved their families, beautiful young women, someone's beloved grandfather, all destroyed by a disease. Linda and I walked around the track and talked about Jessica. I cried. It feels silly to have a flood of tears sparked by a paper bag with a friend's picture, but it was good to take the time to stop and miss her. Jessica was a very special friend in my life. Besides sharing many amazing times of our life together she was a kindred spirit, a vibrant persona, intelligent beyond what her blonde hair and bumbling ways would lead you to believe, a person of great talent, imagination and feeling and just completely and ridiculously funny. She is worth stopping to cry over, she is worth aching to miss, she is worth staying up for 24 hours with a crazy 15 year old on steroids to celebrate :-) My mom, dad and sister Emily showed up for this part of the relay along with Linda and Rachel allowed me to take the time to remember this dear friend. It's strange how life moves on but I am so thankful that she is with our Savior in a place with no disease or pain or tears. I wonder if she is going to start a Stomp Team in heaven?

My big lipped baby

2010-07-13T22:48:00.001-07:00

Rachel had another fat lip episode that landed her in the ER one night. She has this freaky allergic reactions to cats every once in a while but her love for animals keeps her testing the limits with hilarious results. She got steroids to combat the puffy lip this time but that made her even stranger than normal and gave her the appetite of my 6'9'' college basketball playing brother. While watching TV she was practically drooling over each food commercial even though she had just eaten. Needless to say it was another funny adventure (never giggled so much in the ER before) but thank goodness she is off those steroids. Regular Rachel is enough to handle. Just say no to drugs!

A Full House

2010-07-13T21:34:00.000-07:00

The week the school ended the Independent Presbyterian Church Choir from Memphis Tennessee came to visit our church. They are a high school choir made up of about 60 kids and chaperons and they all needed places to stay. We had 8 girls stay with us... which was quite an adventure considering the my sister Emily and another girl from church also spent the night here. Somehow they each found a decent surface to sleep on and there were enough pillows and sheets to go around. We had a schedule of showers that went till 1am, along with a lot of late night giggling, midnight cookies in the oven and an explosion of suitcases, make-up, phone charges and clothes strewn throughout the house. I love to mother and entertain so it was loads of fun for me but the best part was that Rachel immediately bonded with the choir kids. She was like the queen bee the first night, all the girls were all sitting around listening to her tell about her less than conventional life, and with their interest she became very open. She also had a lot of fun flirting with all the boys in the choir but she was pleasantly surprised with their integrity. She commented on the way they treated girls and their commitment to remain pure... she doesn't know many guys life that. For the most part Rachel is on the periphery of our small youth group. Most of the kids have grown up together and attend a small private school in the area, and while they are nice to her they don't engage with her a lot. It was a joy to see her clicking with some of the the girls and guys from the IPC youth group. It was also great to see her leadership qualities emerge in such a positive way. So even though I barely got a wink of sleep the whole weekend and was doing loads and sheets and towels for days afterward it was wonderful to have these kiddos stay with us!

Father's Day

2010-07-13T21:26:00.001-07:00

We celebrated a wonderful Father's day celebrating my dad. It was a simple dinner followed by banana pudding, a stroll around the neighborhood, a John Mayor music video and some peaceful time spent enjoying one another's company. Those who know my intense family know that this sort of drama-free afternoon is a rare occurrence which is why I mention it here. It was lovely.

We're Back!!!

2010-07-12T20:55:00.001-07:00

My friend recently wrote me a Facebook message stating that she had been almost "painfully" busy... those words keep popping into my head because they seem to describe my life as well. Each thing I am doing is good and sometimes even "relaxing" in nature but the persistence of it all has been too much. This weekend we finally had some downtime and it was glorious! I come to the realization over and over again in my life that I need downtime. Those who are around me when I am too busy will attest to this fact as well, I am much more pleasant when rested. With a little breather I get inspired to do more than just keep all the balls in the air. I actually want to call friends, cook a nice dinner and of course, blog!

Our big news is that later this week we will be having a new girl come to live with us. Her name is Desiree and she is a foster kiddo that is 17 and about to be a senior in high school. She is "renting a room" from us as part of a transitional house program for foster youth (the same program I used to work for). My role is to be more of a mentor than a mother. While living with us she will buy her own food and have workers that help her learn different skills for independent living. It will be interesting for us all to make this transition but Rachel and I both feel excited about it. I know the reality will be much more complex than we can foresee but it is really amazing how it came about and I trust that just because it may be a challenge doesn't mean it's not the right thing to do. I feel a real calling for foster youth and I am blessed to have a home with enough room so I am always excited to be faithful in walking forward as God opens the doors.

So I will be writing a series of blogs to catch up to the present. They will be some brief highlights over the last few months. As you can see we've been busy bees :-)

The Wilkins & A Wedding in One Weekend

2010-05-08T13:10:00.000-07:00

Sometimes your friend's friends become your friends. Pictured below are Douglas and Annalaura and their kiddos Edie & Emery. They live about 2 hours away in Fresno where my friend Linda used to live. Over the years we have gone camping with them and seen them at various occasions and they have started to become our friends too. Last weekend Linda, Tess, Rachel and I decided to spend the weekend with the Wilkins family since we were invited to a Sunday afternoon wedding in Fresno. Doug and AL love the Lord and they were such warm and genuine in their hosts. They are a beautiful family and they have a wonderful marriage with great team work and honest communication. They are thoughtful in their parenting but somehow relaxed too. Their kids are seriously adorable. Edie was constantly asking Tess those brutally honest questions that only a little kid can such as "do you speak the same language as us?" (she was curious about Tess's darker skin color) as well as commenting about little things she noticed "wow! your feet are really, really big like my grandmas." She was also quite fascinated with my nose ring and the fact that neither Linda, Tess or I had husbands. Little 6 month old Emery has the most insane hair. It is constantly sticking up in a giant wave and all the hair on the side of her head has rubbed off. Rachel was in love with Emery and Emery seemed to enjoy her too. We spent all day Saturday eating good food, sitting in the backyard enjoying the amazing weather and having wonderful conversations. I got so relaxed I even had to take a nap.

Linda and the Wilkins family

Rachie and Emery

Emery and Edie... pretty precious!

On Sunday after church and lunch we had to say goodbye to the Wilkins and head to the wedding. It was a beautiful outdoor wedding for our friend Melissa. Melissa's 93 year old grandfather goes to our church and she lived with him for about a year before she moved to Fresno. Melissa looked beautiful and her husband cried the minute he saw her coming down the isle. We were able to sit at a table with 4 people we didn't know and we made friends quickly, even having a pretty deep conversation about what love is. As you can see we also had a silly time with them on the dance floor. About 9pm we left the wedding and headed back to Paso Robles. It was an exhausting way to start the week but well worth it!

All of us with Melissa's grandpa, Ernie

Us with our new friends

Bride & Groom :-)

I can't take her anywhere!

what happens when you leave the room and hannah get's a hold of your camera

2010-04-25T17:34:00.000-07:00

you pick up your camera and SURPRISE!

these little beauties await you...

...so of course I must post them.

MM4K

2010-04-25T17:23:00.000-07:00

Here is an overdue post about a 10K called Miracle Miles for Kids that is a huge fundraiser for my work which Rachel and I did last weekend. I have usually volunteered at the event but I've never actually done the race. Rachel and I did the 6.2 miles in 1 hour and 40 minutes. We ran a little but mostly walked. The whole thing is on the beach from one little beach town to another. There were 2500 people there and it was a beautiful day. The tide was kind of high so a few parts were a little treacherous, especially for those with strollers but it was a blast! Rachel and I were really worn out all day after the event. Sometimes it feels so good to be sunburnt and psychically exhausted. Haven't slept that well in a while.

April Birthdays

2010-04-22T13:23:00.000-07:00

Over the years it seems that so many important people in my life have birthdays in April so I thought it would be fun to post a few pictures and words about each of these individuals.

Hannah is the friend I have known the longest out of all these April birthdays. I met her in 4th grade when we moved next door to one another out in the country and we also went to Mrs. Roland's 4th grade class together. We were friends in the way that self-centered, emotional 4th grade girls are friends. After that I was home schooled and we didn't see one another much until high school. We hung out in the same group of friends in high school and we would laugh and joke but when we were Sophmores in High School Hannah's dad died really suddenly and our friendship became a little more real. Hannah is hillarious but it was the ability to laugh and cry together that brought depth to our friendship. I'd say we became besties our senior year because she had a car and I didn't. I hated having to ask her for rides all the time but all that time together became something we looked foreward to. We had some crazy car rides, lots of talks about the boys we liked and hours of fun throwing dance parties!

Hannah is getting married this Fall and I have the honor of being in her wedding. Hannah is wonderfully original and artistic. Hannah is known for her humor (and her great dance moves) but what I love most is when you break past all the funny stuff and get to see the gooy tender middle :-)

Mary is one of my bestest friends ever! She and I met our freshman year at Covenant College and I have to say that she has been a major influence in my life. Mary has taught me so much about what is means to love people. She is very thoughtful and giving to those around her. Mary is for me. She loves the people I love, she wants to know about my life and she cares about the tiny stuff that other people think is silly. Mary loves the Lord. If she tells you she is going to pray for you she will. She is faithful to pursue the Lord and she is hungry to follow after him. In fact faithfulness is a perfect word for Mary. You always know that Mary will follow through. She is also very creative. She has an eye for order and detail and beauty and she uses those gifts to bless others. Mary's honesty is a sometimes a shock because she is so sweet most the time. But her sweetness has that bite that gives her genuine depth. I love this girl and I am so blessed to know her!

Alina is my only friend that has spanned both my college world and my California world. Alina is more like family than just a friend. We have shared some really fun times as well as the loss of a good friend, the birth of her child, a semester abroad, some famous fights, numerous jam sessions, a few cycles of depression, a bunch of weddings and quite a number of vacations and holidays. Alena is honest and quirky, yet just when I start thinking she is a major dork this super cool girl shines through. I remember the first time I met her our freshman year of college thinking, "I want to be friends with that girl." Alina has dreams and she does things about them. Even though she is always talking about her fear when it comes to pursuing her love of photography or cooking or writing, she does them all the time. She has taught me how to look at everyday moments as beautiful. Her photography takes delight in all the vibrant colors, unique lighting or beautiful grouping of the things that lie around your house or that you make for lunch. More than anything I appreciate Alina's persistence. She and I are very different people and we haven't always found it easy to understand one another and yet she has continued to pursue and forgive and love and make herself vulnerable to me. Not only that but she often shocks me with her amazing insight. Watch out for this girl, she is paying attention!

Anita is Rachel's biological mother. Even a year ago I felt very cautious around her. I didn't know if I could trust her and it was hard for me to share Rachel with her. Anita has had a hard life and has wounds that may never heal in this life but I have been blessed by her over the last year because she has shown me over and over that she truly wants what is best for Rachel even over what is best for herself. When Rachel is unkind to me or tries to put a wedge between us Anita makes the choice to be supportive of me. We are in an unusual situation and it's amazing that we can work together to allow Rachel to know both of us as her mother, but in different ways. Rachel and I were able to throw a little birthday party for Anita a few weeks ago. She really doesn't have many people in her life so this meant a lot to her. I posted a few pictures below :-)

April aka Apes. It's been so long since I have seen this friend in person that I had to steal a current picture of her off her Facebook. I love April's way of looking at life. She is strong and intelligent and full of conviction and vision yet she is tender. She isn't afraid to cry, or question something that is difficult and her care runs deeply and can be seen on her face. When April isn't all these things she is bouncy. Not in a cheerleader kind of way, in the way a deer bounds, it's just a part of her. She loves sports and the outdoors and silly adventures and kookie songs about Halloween. Even though she often looks sophisticated and likes "cool" music she is unashamed to put Celine Dion and Michael W. Smith on every one of her yearly mixed CD's. I often feel like there is just some part of April and I that is kindred. We are really different in certain ways but there is something about her that makes sense to me. I can't quite put my finger on it but I've always felt that way about her and I'm glad we are friends, even over the miles and in spite of our poor job at keeping in touch :-)
Sydney is an old friend from Chattanooga. He and I were inseparable the last year I lived there. We were really an unlikely pair, brought together by the wacky schedule we worked at the methadone clinic, and by some unseen bond. I haven't talked to Sydney in a long time and I sort of thought I never would again but he called this week and it was fun to remember how much we knew about one another and how utterly ridiculous and irresponsible the guy is. Sydney aspires to be a comedian I think. He lives in New York and his morals and world view are totally different than my own and yet I have a great affection for him. Sydney taught me how to stop taking myself so seriously and helped make an adventure out of a strange phase of my life. Sydney is also a dreamer and even though he is pretty unmotivated it was fun to be free to laugh and dream about being a cook on an Amtrak train or starting a radio talk show when we were on a road trip or just having a beer. We spent a lot of lazy afternoons doing nothing and talking about nothing and for that I love this guy.
When I realize how lonely life is for many people I feel so greatful for all the amazing friendships God has given me. I have been practicing delighting the Lord and I have to say that I delight in the month of April and in all that ways it has changed me! Thank you Lord!!!

TMI

2010-04-22T13:15:00.000-07:00

This may be a little too much info for some of you out there but a few weeks ago I had a plantar wart removed from my toe. It was pretty big and the podiatrist had to scoop it out. I took Rachel with me because she is scared of needles and I was hoping my bravery would help her get over it. Unfortunately the needle/numbing part was the most painful. Anyway I thought it was pretty fascinating when all was said and done so I took a picture of the wart once it was out and now I am sharing with you :-). Hope no one reading this is too squeamish. Anyways, it left this big crater in my big toe but God has made the human body so amazing. Just two weeks later it is almost totally healed!

Wildflowers

2010-04-08T11:48:00.001-07:00

You belong among the wildflowers

You belong in a boat out at sea

You belong with your love on your arm

You belong somewhere you feel free

-Tom Petty

a little too sunny... not actually scowling

The Tom Petty song above is one that Linda loves to quote. It is the season for wildflowers here and I can't help but think about those words. Something about being in the midst of a sea of wildflowers, breathing in the sweet spring air, feeling the warm touch of sun on my hungry winter skin, evokes deep emotion. When I was a kid I was home schooled and I lived in the country. I would spend hours on a tree swing or laying in a field. I had the time to study an individual flower, or notice a certain bug or observe the pattern the wind made in the tall grass. A few Sundays ago my mom, dad, Rachel and I went for a lazy afternoon drive to see these flowers. My camera died after a few pictures but it really was quite beautiful. In all honesty I went because I knew my dad really wanted to, I wanted to stay home and get things done around the house. Since those childhood days are gone it is hard for me to slow down and enjoy the small things. I am a big picture person that can be very task oriented but sometimes I need to stop and notice the small things. I am so glad I went out to see the flower and enjoy the meandering car ride. My dad even found some little broken birds eggs in among the flowers that were these light pastel colors. It's a blessing to drink in the beauty of nature, the Psalmist did it, and I think I need to do it more. It is easy to forget about God in the rush of grocery shopping, doing dishes, paying bills and running errands.

Out among the wildflowers God's thumb print is at every turn.

April Showers Bring May Flowers

2010-04-08T11:28:00.000-07:00

Well I should say January & February & March and April showers! This season of my life is marked by showers, mostly of the bridal shower variety with a baby shower thrown in here and there and punctuated by a few weddings! Linda, Tess & I seem to be involved in hostessing at least part of each shower we have been to over the past months. We have been joking that we should start a business because we are getting pretty good at these things.

This shower was for our friend Melissa. She actually moved away about a year ago but she is getting married in a month and we wanted to throw a shower for her. Her best friend Shelley was going to throw the shower but since she lives pretty far out I offered to have it at my house. Well Shelley was pregnant and ended up having her baby the week before the shower (5 weeks early). Little baby Sean (pictured above) is cute as a little button but threw a wrench into the plans. This shower was wonderful because everyone pitched in to make it come together. It was very relaxed and because it was just about 12 people everyone was able to really visit with one another. It was a beautiful day outside and such an enjoyable afternoon. I love how each celebration is unique, no matter how many you go to. It was wonderful to get to know Melissa's family better and to enjoy this wonderful afternoon together!

Mim's Wedding in Oregon

2010-03-30T14:50:00.000-07:00

For those of you who have heard all my fun stories about living in the ghetto they were all made possible by my friend Miriam (also known as Mims) who bought the house there on 8th street... fearlessly being the first white person to move into the neighborhood. Mims is such a unique and genuine woman. She has her master's in architecture but let her passion for teaching take her into an inner city school where she worked during her time in Chattanooga. A few years ago she moved to Oregon with her sister and brother in law. It's fun to have a Tennessee friend on the west coast (even 9 hours away) and it's even more fun to watch a friend fall in love with a guy who is the perfect match for her. Miriam is one of the few letter writers left in our world of email. Before heading to her wedding it was fun to get out the letters she had written me about Dan and see what had started out as a spark of interested had developed into marriage!

Mims found a guy who is even more handy than she is (she's spent quite a few summers building houses so this is quite amazing). Dan also loves the Lord and possesses the kind and gentle spirit she desires while still being fun! They are a great compliment to one another.

A little over a week ago I took a long drive up to Oregon to see Mims and Dan get married. What could have been a lonely time turned out to be so fun! Miriam's large family was so much fun to be around, her friends in Oregon were so hospitable, and even though I don't have pictures to prove it there was even a fun guy there to flirt with.

Mims with a mix of girl friends from different phases of her life

Mim's amazing siblings! They were so fun and so kind and inclusive.

Mims and sisters doing a choreographed dance during the reception

Dan and Mims walked to the bed and breakfast where they spent their first night as a married couple. Since they were walking they pulled a little red wagon with their bags. It had been decorated as pictured above and dubbed the "shaggin' waggon." Pretty hilarious!

2010-03-06T08:15:00.000-08:00

So in the past few weeks I have been up and down and all over the place. I have started writing a few posts about my parenting problems, or expressing joy and laughter over all the little things like church volleyball games, getting stuck in traffic for 3 hours commuting to work and silly times with coworkers. I have thought about talking about my heart that has been so stuck in a rut of hardness toward certain people. I have wanted to celebrate the victory of having lost 55 lbs and how great it feels to work out these days. I have wanted to tell you about how God is using our community group and how this has opened the door for me to start building some more community at our church. I have wanted to post more fiery parenting posts and a flurry of life updates, but instead I am just letting you know that my dad and Rachel and I are going to Biola today to see my brother's basketball team play. We are doing 8 hours or more of driving today to go there and back but I am looking forward to seeing my bro (pictured above) and spending time with my dad and Rachie. I have lots of responsibilities that I am throwing to the wind today but what the heck, sometimes you just gotta get out of dodge!

Wonderful Wedding Weekend

2010-02-22T00:07:00.002-08:00

The pictures before the words...

The 3 Musketeers

Jessica's beautiful centerpieces

"I see you over there"

The groom, Tess & Rachel... dance break!

our sexy faces

beautiful Tess and Daisy making "beautiful" faces

Kellen & Yvonne... no longer the newly weds of the bunch

Great flowers huh?

Jess & I

Rachie and I... classic self taken shot

Demi's Cousin Jason... got to spend good time talking with lots of the wedding party including Jason and his wife who came from San Diego.

I was able to stand beside some beloved friends as they got married this weekend. About a year ago (almost exactly) I started a small group for people at church in their 20's & 30's at my house on Friday nights. It was a few people I knew really well and then a few people I barely knew. The ones I barely knew were this strange mix of different types of people and I really wasn't sure how it would all work out. The first time we met we all went around talking about what we were interested in getting out of the group. A few of us talked about the idea of community and then when it got to Demitrius he said, "I am really not into the whole community thing." A few weeks ago we were laughing about that because Demi spends half of each small group talking about the importance of community. God has done a really amazing thing in bringing a group of very different people together to really love and care for one another. Many of those in our small group have been through some pretty big life changing events over the last year. Yesterday I was able to be a part of one of those life changing moments and watch Demitrius and Jessica get married.

In the Fall our friends Yvonne and Kellen got married and it was so fun to celebrate with them because God had transformed them from a non-Christian couple who were living together, to a couple willing to do the hard thing and live separately, and get marriage counseling, and be in a community that challenged them. Their marriage was such a celebration because of the redeeming power God had already shown in their lives. Demi and Jessica have also had an unusual love story filled with themes of redemption and healing and hope. Demi has been divorced and has kids from his first marriage. They have had a very intense and interesting journey already in their relationship but through all of it they have wanted the Lord to be the predominate force in their life. God had allowed their relationship and the community around them to blossom as everyone has had the joy of knowing one another and being humble and honest before each other as we live our lives. The whole process of their wedding was such an opportunity to bless them in ways they have never been blessed before. It was such a delight! It was a beautiful wedding and I even felt blown away by the beauty of two of my good friends, Linda and Tess, who I shared the honor of being bridesmaids with. They looked dazzling! On top of it all there was great dancing too, which always makes a wedding a great success in my books!

Bachelorette

2010-02-21T22:46:00.000-08:00

We had a great Bachelorette party for Jessica last weekend. A trial run for the hair, a few hot girls going out for some wine and appetizers, an hour at the hot springs talking girl talk, and back to my house for some presents and great conversation. In the dynamic that is Demitrius and Jessica's relationship, Demi usually dominates a conversation with his big personality and his intensity. This is not to say that Jessica is docile or doesn't have a personality or opinion of her own but she is more of a servant and an observer. Well lately it has been a joy to see her blossom, as if months of thinking and living out life alongside one another have caused thoughts to come pouring out her lips. Getting her off alone with just the girls allowed us to hear so much about her thoughts, feelings and observations about getting married and the whole path of their relationship. One of the beautiful things God has done is give us one another as friends because we are both moms in unusual ways. Since Demi has girls from his previous marriage she is not only becoming a wife but a mom. She has been slowly and patiently stepping into this role for a long time now and her love for the girls is so deep and genuine. I watch her observe them with hope and joy and give them grace for all the difficulties that arise from being the kiddos of divorced parents. I watch her rejoice over the small victories, and get up one more time to get them something they need, and nurture them at every opportunity. I am so impressed with her strength and I can relate to her because I know the Lord has given her every ounce of that strength. The other fun thing in doing all this wedding planning with her has been to see her sense of romance. She is classy and creative and she has an eye for the details but she has a good sense of what is really and truly important and what is not. It has been a delight to bless her with these celebrations (we threw a killer bridal shower too) because she enjoys these occasions down to the core of her being. Such a joy to celebrate my friend Jessica!

Flashback to Christmas!

2010-01-24T13:24:00.000-08:00

I thought it was time to put a synopsis of December up before Easter had come and gone. It was fun to look back at the pictures and think about all the good times during December because my overall impression of the month was that it was very hard.

Here are some of the highlights!

Being with the family on Christmas morning. Somethings never change, like Dad playing Santa and being a goofball.

Here is our Christmas tree as displayed by Rachel's oldest brother Nick. Her brother Ben was in Juvenile Hall for Christmas but we had a really great visit with Anita (Rachel's bio mom) and Nick on Christmas Eve. What a difference a year makes! Last year the adoption was so fresh and I don't think Anita and I really trusted one another. Rachel felt so pulled between us at every visit. Now Rachel can all Anita mom one minute and turn around and call me mom the next. Kids have a way of adapting to strange situations better than us adults sometimes. Over the last 6 months or so it has become apparent that we are really like extended family to Anita, Nick and Ben. They don't really have a support system and we provide a safe home base for celebrations and holidays. It is wonderful that God has brought us so far.

David's birthday is December 21st. His friend Shane came home from Biola with him to celebrate. It's fun to get to know David's friends. Dave is pretty quiet so I get a lot more info out of his hommies :-)

On a random note we watched the movie The Blind Side for David's birthday. It's a GREAT movie- everyone should watch it!

I LOVE Handel's Messiah and I was so excited when I found out that the chior my mom sings in was performing it for Christmas. We brought Rachel's mom with us as a Christmas present to her. It was fun to have her but it made Rachel so antsy. In spite of her wiggling I was so blessed by the powerful scripture set to music. It think it was one of the few moments during the season when I was really able to reflect on the immesity of Christ's birth. Below are some pictures from after the concert.

We decorated of course! Always a fun part of Christmas.

We had a hilariously frusterating day getting our tree set up. It was so painful we had to laugh to keep from throwing the tree out the window. After much running around town to find the perfect (and affordable tree) we finally got the tree only to have it fall over everytime we got it screwed into the stand. Tess came home just as I was about ready to scream and she decided that maybe we should saw the bottom to make it more even. We dug around the garage and found some rustic old tools from the 1940's that had been my grandpa's. We tried a variety of rusty saws before Tess tried chiseling the bottom of the tree and then using a giant metal file. Eventually we got it up only to discover that half the Christmas lights didn't work. After a 2nd trip to WalMart we got the tree up. By then it was 9:30p and Tess graciously cooked a very grouchy and tired Rachel and I dinner. Pretty much Tess saved the day and we were able to enjoy the tree, drama free the rest of the month.

December was a really hard month for me. It took me a really long time to shake the congestion I had been struggling with at Thanksgiving, in addition, as always happens in December, life was just full of busyness and on top of that my family was really going through some struggles. December is a horrible time to have family problems because it's "family time." Trying to keep the communication flowing while at the same time trying to let go of the issues and just enjoy one another was really stressful. I was so relieved when the holidays were all over, which is sad but true. It has been wonderful to get back into routine and structure and stop running around like a crazy lady! Even with all of this we had some good times such as our small group ugly sweater party pictured below and all previously mentioned things. I felt heavy hearted during a lot of it though and tired. I hate that feeling of going through the motions and not being fully present.

My family is still struggling with some pretty big relational problems but they aren't really mine to share on blog. I have been through enough hard times to remember that God is faithful during the most difficult of times. It is amazing how I have to relearn how to cast my cares upon him during each new trial but thankfully he is faithful and patient with me. I suppose nothing symbolizes his sacrificial, down-in-the-trenches love like Christmas and Easter so maybe it is appropriate that I would post this in between the two after all :-)

Evening

2010-01-24T13:16:00.000-08:00

Here are some pictures of the amazing sky seen out my car window on my way home from work the other day. One side of the road was blue with fluffy white clouds and the other side was this strange tinted yellow color. It felt like I was inside a yellowing vintage postcard.

a window

2010-01-20T11:25:00.000-08:00

There is rain running down the window. Blown drops beating against my bedroom window along with the occasional flash of lightening as I first awake, so hard to get out of my warm bed in the dark of 6am. Post shower, I speed up the am routine, already running late. Rain tracks down my kitchen window as I get my coffee and a hurried breakfast while throwing my lunch together. I pull out of the garage and the rain seems almost sad as it corrals itself into little lines while I wait for the garage door to close and turn on the wipers to disrupt each persistent little stream. I battle through a wet whirlwind of slippery cars and frantic high schoolers to drop Rachel off at school (yes... we were late) and head onward to work. All around me water radiates off the windows of my car, encapsulating me in my dry little bubble full of warmth and music. I battle California drivers unused to anything but sunshine, and as I drive through mini-rivers along each road I feel like a true Cali girl, cautious and in wonder even though I know it's just rain. Work is empty. Anyone who has the option to work at home or come in later has stayed tucked away in bed. My office doesn't have windows but the girls and I keep looking out our door to the massive windows across the way. We hear the increase in the storm and we have to see. It's not just the rain itself but the whipping of the wind and the pooling water all over the place. We mermmer small talk about the weather. "Is this goodbye drought?" "Will there be water in the river this summer?" "Maybe we will go inter tubing this summer." First a drizzle, then a rumbling downpour, back to steady drip, then another resurgent booming torrent of rain. Rain is like the color grey. Color stands out against it. Emotions like sadness, excitement, curiousity and desire stand out against the rain. Conflicting and colorful they ebb and flow like the very storm that brought them to the surface.

November

2010-01-14T20:08:00.001-08:00

Having been gone from blogging about 2 months I don't know where to start. Above are some pictures of November... yeah I know... that was last year.

Some important events in November included the 2 year anniversary of Rachel moving in with me and Rachel turned 15. We had a fun slumber party/beach excursion. Thankfully I have awesome friends that like to join high school slumber parties so fun was had by all (even me!). You can tell you live in California when you can still have a beach party in November!

For Thanksgiving we went to Chattanooga. We stayed with my sister Autumn and made Thanksgiving dinner for 9 people in her cute little apartment. The fridge in her place is 3/4th the sides of a normal fridge and the oven is 3/4th the size of a normal oven. The oven was so small all we could fit in it was the turkey (and it was a small turkey). We stored the pies on her bed along with all our purses and coats and when we took out the futon that acts as her couch and put tables in her living room so that we could eat the Thanksgiving meal, we were so packed in that we couldn't open the door to go to the bathroom. It was an adventure but it turned out beautifully! My good friends Matt & Alina came up from Florida with their 2 and half year old daughter Karis. Karis is the coolest kid! I was able to see her birth back when the Kodatts lived in California and it was so wonderful to see the great personality she has developed. She is a wonderful mix of her mom and her dad's character. It meant so much to me to see them. We had a great day going up to Covenant College, our old stomping grounds. We showed Rachel around and ate in the dinning hall. I felt shocked to learn that I haven't been in college in 8 years. I feel like I just left that place. I can't tell you how many of my best memories are there! We were also blessed to go to church at New City Fellowship and have a few great meals with some old friends, Charity and Lang, Ben & Bethany and Brian and Susan. I also got to meet my sister's boyfriend Joseph who I dubbed "Captain" because he looks like a sea captain. I did get pretty sick about half way through the trip but other than that it was wonderful! I love my life in California but I love so many people and places in Chattanooga/Lookout Mountain that it is always hard to leave.

More info on December to come :-)

wine... and other fun things in Paso Robles

2009-11-08T17:27:00.000-08:00

Here is a cute shot of Corinne, Melanie & I celebrating Melanie's birthday a few weekends ago... wine tasting of course. These are both girls I work with.

A fun night out with old high school friends. Almost everyone came to town at once. It was like a little mini-reunion. We were extra celebratory because Hannah got engaged! The night consisted of the random combo of Japanese food and cosmic bowling... quite a funny time.
classic Mindy...
...a strange shot that looks like my hand but it's really Mindy's hand

seductive bowlers!

Harvest Weekend at Castoro with Corinne and Linda (and Tess for a little but we didn't get a picture). They had barrel tasting, grape stomping (too messy for me) and these big vats of grapes fermenting that you could stir, plus art, music and food.

Above are some pictures of the fun things I have been up to lately. They are sort of late in coming and ironically all I have really done for the last week or so is lay around the house re-watching the 1st season of 24 and reading. Rachel & I have both been under the weather and my nasty cold just keeps hanging on but it's been a great reason to take some much needed down time. As you can see by all these pictures life has been busy. I went wine tasting 3 weekends in a row but I finally declined this last weekend- 4 weekends in a row was just too over the top. Don't worry I am no alcoholic (I don't even drink during the week) but it is definately the thing to do around here and I keep getting invited to wine things so I've gone. It's pretty cheap and relaxing and so many of the tasting rooms are in beautiful settings, plus it makes me feel like I am taking advantage of living here in beautiful Paso Robles wine country. We also had a big Halloween party here last weekend. There are so many pictures I'll have to save that for another post.

2009-10-21T11:15:00.000-07:00

So I think it is high time for a new post. The weather has finally changed, we've had a little rain (our west-coast version of "Fall/Winter"), some days are still warm and others have a bit of nip to them. The ever changing sky is beautiful. I remember my drive out to California when I moved back from Tennessee. As I got further west the sky just kept getting bigger and bigger and I felt like it was pouring into my hungry eyes. I spent one day driving through Wyoming and it was one of the most vividly beautiful days of my life. I could see the weather changing as it moved across the horizon in front of me, rain, snow, sunshine, and the most amazing clouds. These days I have a 30-40 minute commute each way to work. Sometimes I am so caught up with what is going on right in front of me, or in my head, or in my car that I am almost home before I really look around me. Lately as I take the time to notice the light coming through the fog or the hint of green on the hills or the deep blue of a stormy sky, I get that same feeling like I am drinking it in. Beauty is so good for the soul.

The other thing I like about this season is how cosy it makes my house feel. Since it's dark outside so much earlier, my house feels like a warm little bubble of light. Since the windows are most often shut now and the cold inspires us to cook more the smell of the house is more inviting, more lived in, more delicious. A few candles, a cup of cider or some soft music add so much, even a small kindness or a hearty laugh seem to go further when we are hemmed in from the wind and dark outside.

I feel more myself than I have in a long time but I am still wondering what change might be on the horizon. For now I am pouring that motivation for change into working out. I have been doing spin classes about 3 mornings a week, doing "Groove" class twice a week (it's dancing for exercise), and doing other stuff here and there. While I am enjoying the weather change for the reasons listed above let me tell you the dark cold mornings are no motivation to get up at 5:20am. Even so, it has been so fun to have the time energy and motivation to exercise. Working out is always something I feel like I should be doing but at points in my life it hasn't been practical or I have just had physical or mental barriers that kept me from doing it very consistently. I feel free to enjoy it right now and I have. I am also really thankful that a friend of mine who lives down the street has been going with me lately. It helps me get up, that's for sure. On a random side note I am pretty stoked that I won a raffle for a free personal training session and a free fake tan as a part of member appreciation day at the gym! I'm a winner!

So I think this may be a boring post... sorry if it is. I do have some fun pictures from my busy Saturday to share, maybe next post, so stay tuned!

2009-10-11T21:05:00.000-07:00

ok- so I know my months of bloglessness may have destroyed my readership but people keep telling me that they are reading my blog yet I never have any comments. Give me some encouragement here people!

The unexplainable joy in a peanut butter cracker...

2009-10-09T13:03:00.001-07:00

Something in me relaxed this week. I have been delighting in the little things better, the change of weather, the fun of pulling out Fall decorations, cleaning the house to music I can dance to, having the warmth of a house full of friends, watching volleyball games, smiling to the lady next to me during Groove class at the gym, a new playlist on my ipod. I do a lot of driving since my work is about 40 minutes from where I live. As I commute to work, run errands & drop Rachel off places I have also been noticing lots of little things that are funny to me, but usually I am alone and have no one to share them with, an honestly I have a hard time explaining why they are funny sometimes. One such moment was watching a woman devour a corn dog at a gas station yesterday (Facebook friends already saw that one), another was watching an older couple in a car next to me eating those bright orange peanut butter crackers, like I said I can't always explain why these things are funny to me, they just are. A few days ago after dropping Rachel off at school I saw a teen girl in a yellow mustang tear into a parking spot. She had a giant decal of yellow lips on her back window and a vanity plate that said "Britnay." I felt like I was watching the stero-typical high school snob straight out of High School Musical III or something. It's nice to enjoy the little things. I think I have been practicing that this week... taking every opportunity to dance, sing, laugh & hug. This may seem a little cheesy but it hasn't been fake, it's just been taking notice of all the good things God has given me. There are always plenty of hard things but this week has been about counting my blessings.

Restless

2009-09-29T20:26:00.000-07:00

from the Alison Krauss song, Restless:

"I just can't stand bein' alone.
Gonna have to change that some day.
There's a restless feelin' in my bones an' I know,
That at times, it just won't go away."

I heard this Alison Krauss song playing when I was sitting at my desk last week and something in it resonated with me. I hesitated to share it because it is very sad and desperate sounding and while I am feeling a little sad it's nothing like this. Don't get too depressed for me :-)

Those of you who have known me for a long time know that I go through periods of restlessness. After college that translated into feeling a needed to move a lot. I just did one major move across the country but I felt like moving a lot more (just ask my roommates, I would talk about it all the time). Right before I took Rachel, I went through a long period of wrestling with what it was I was suppose to do with my life. I applied to grad school, changed positions at work, and moved to a new house, and I was just generally miserable. Part of that was a struggle with taking Rachel, which seemed like a crazy idea at the time but turned out to be what I was supposed to do. There was sweet relief when I finally said yes, because it was what I was called to do. See it's easier when you know what you are called to do. Since having Rachel my life has had a lot of focus. Even though things have sometimes been very difficult I have known with great clarity what it was I was supposed to do & how I was to persevere. I haven't felt restless in a long time, but lately it's been creeping back up... that itchy feeling.

Rachel still needs me, she is still worthy of my focus, but one thing that my short time dating Ray taught me is that Rachel cannot be 100% the focus of my life for her own good. It's not natural for a kid to get as much attention from a parent as she has gotten from me. Ideally kids will have two parents and maybe some siblings and they will have to share attention and time and focus and even their stuff with others. God set up our specific situation so that I had more to give than the average family so I could help Rachel get to that place of lasting attachment. She needed the extra attention I had to give. Even though it's an ongoing journey, she is there. She is secure at this point and she and I need to figure out how to make this work so that she is getting an appropriate amount of my energy and attention. The trouble is that I don't know what to do with myself. I feel like I need something to pour all my passionate and intense nature into but I don't know what that is. I would like it to be a relationship but I always come back to that thought, if God hasn't provided it, it must not be what I am supposed to be doing right now. All that being said I feel like in trying to find a balance I have struggled with swinging too far over into what may be selfishness. I don't know if I should go to the gym for Yoga class or stay home and make sure Rachel is on track with homework. This is just a tiny example from tonight but its a good one because while I know that things have to change I am not entirely sure what my goals are, or what my focus should be. So here are the lyrics I resonate with tonight as I preach the truth to myself:

Psalm 62:5-8
"Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him.
He is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress I shall not be shaken.
My salvation and my honor depend on God; he is my mighty rock, my refuge.
Trust in him at all times, O people;
pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge.
Selah."

shakin' & quakin' in Parkfield

2009-09-27T16:39:00.000-07:00

heading to another wedding!
...in the earthquake capital of the world!

and unconventional guest book

seeing old friends

and dancing the night away with new friends

here we are being "sea winches"??? with Lucinda...and we weren't even intoxicated!

The dance floor....enough said

oh yeah! we were the last ones on the dance floor!

Linda laughing!

a blurry dance moment

setting up a tent in the dark in dresses

the first dance

amy & don

monica & signey

paige & I

jenny & the beautiful bride

mom & I

linda, rachel & I... heading out into the 108' afternoon

It's been an interesting week filled with lots of email debates and strange tensions that are a part of what it means to be real friends with people I think. It was a blessing this week because my work has been extremely boring so banging out long argumentivite emails allowed the blood to remain pumping to my brain. Still, it sometimes felt a little too intense and serious, even for me. Yesterday was a total shift to fun and distraction. I went to a wedding for my friends Taylor and Dominique. They had it in Parkfield (a little town in the middle of nowhere, best known for being right on the San Andres Fault line) which is about 45 minutes away. It had kind of a country/vintage feel. The theme was "Big Rock Candy Mountain" (yes, like the song) complete with hard rock candy in the champagne glasses, a pink vintage popcorn maker, gumball machines, and a "ciggarette tree." Anyone who wanted to was free to camp out there because the party went all night long. Rachel and my parents came but they went back home for the night. Linda and I stayed and camped. We had a great time including being champions in our own personal challenge to be the last people on the dance floor (yes we were shaking our booties till close to 2am). It was so fun to be with Linda, make new friends, see some old friends, and just be away for a bit. I'm a little dirty (nope I haven't showered yet), a little smelly (boy has it been hot!), a little tired ("how can people with hang overs get up so dang early??" I wanted to yell to our loud camping neighbors at 8am), and a little sore from all the dancing/camping but yet I feel refreshed!

mary.

2009-09-27T16:16:00.000-07:00

So it's been a much better week! It started with my one of my best friends from college, Mary, visiting me from Philadelphia Friday-Sunday. It had been almost 2 years since I had seen her and she had never met Rachel so it was wonderful that she made the treck to come see a little glimpse of my life. Mary and I were inseparable in college. It is strange how far apart our lives are now and yet the minute we see each other there is that safety and love the allows us to pour out all that is in our hearts and to be heard and understood. Mary loves the Lord which has always been a blessing to me because over and over she points me back to truth and our loving Father God. Mary is 7 months pregnant with her first baby. It was so fun to see her pregnant and hear about her plans, concerns and dreams! The week leading up to her arrival was one of the most difficult I had had in ages. Even the drive to get her in San Jose was filled with obstacles (including a major accident I was stuck behind for 1 hour and being hit by a piece of semi-truck tire) but once she got in the car and we started talking it was golden! We didn't do much, just a BBQ at a friend's house on Saturday, a work out at the gym, church, a few meals out together, but just being with one another was refreshing for my soul. One thing I love about Mary is that she wants to know and love all those who are a part of my life. That was so aparent in her time with me. As you can see I feel so blessed that she came. There is nothing like a good friend!

too much time in my head

2009-09-16T08:51:00.000-07:00

Here is a post I wrote last week but never actually posted. Things are always changing... so it's not a reflection of how I feel this week but it gives you a glimpse into what I has been going on lately.

There is a lot in my heart and head. I always feel torn between the possibilities that writing about it will be healing or on the other hand that it will just make me feel more overwhelmed and exposed. That being said... I'm going to give it a try. So the last week and half has been hard. Rachel has been having a difficult time, I have been feeling lonely and busy, many people I love & care about have really heavy things going on in their lives, work has been slow which gives me too much time to think, my car needs $1000 worth of repairs and last but not least, Ray & I are in friend-mode but we're having lots of difficulty communicating/getting on the same page about what this means. I have been in serious need of friendship but instead I just feel like hiding out from people and being alone. Ironically I have people around me constantly, in that way that doesn't allow you to think, yet isn't really quality time. After feeling full of tension and angst all Saturday, God blessed me with a great conversation with Linda on Sunday at church and a great sermon about Abraham and Sarah. The sermon was about Sarah's doubt and bitterness that God would follow through on his promise to give her a child (she was in her late 80's when he made this promise so I would have some doubt too) and about Abraham's lack of trust in God as demonstrated by his practice of calling Sarah his sister rather than his wife as his own way of maintaining self-protection as they traveled. The beauty is that God used these sinning, bitter, doubting, lying people for his glory and he even went further and showed his affection & commitment to Abraham by calling him his prophet. How amazing that God calls us as his people in this same way in spite of who we are. Sunday morning I had really reached that point where I was crying out "God I can't change my heart... help me!" I had been trying really hard all weekend to change my heart and there was this sudden realization of the true position I am in with God, a sinner with a heart only he can change. It's amazing how long it takes me sometimes to come to that most obvious conclusion. So I feel like I am being a called to be still and wait, which is the hardest thing for me. Like Sarah I need to be careful not to jump ahead and make things happen (Hagar comes to mind). It has been such a great comfort to me to remember that God is in total control. He is not sitting around waiting to see what happens. I can pray knowing that he has my best in mind. I don't think Abraham and Sarah would have chosen to be childless till their 90's but God had a good plan. My life might not be what I would have planned but God is allowing me to be apart of his redemptive plan... what better calling? Ok- so you are hearing me preach to myself right now but I have to say that I have been feeling lots of other feelings (frustration, anger, jealousy, sadness, loneliness, discouragement, fear) and I think it would have been wrong for me to have moved past all those feelings but I can't live there... so I pray and keep preaching the truth to myself!

2009-08-30T19:37:00.000-07:00

Tess & I

The Girls

The Bride-to-be

My little high schooler

So much has happened over the last few weeks. For starters my daughter started high school!!! Crazy. I feel like I just left high school. She is going to the same school I went to, her locker is right where mine used to be, she may even have some of the same teachers down the road. It's a blast from the past. So far the adjustment is going alright but I think she is struggling to know where to fit in. She doesn't really have a niche or a great set of friends, which at that age is such a part of how you identify yourself. Pray, pray, pray, I remind myself.

We have also had two new additions to our house. One is Yvonne, a friend of ours who is getting married this Sunday and has been living with us for the past month till she ties the knot. Our good friend Tess is a more permanent roommate who moved in a just a little after Yvonne. They have been patiently sharing a room and they are really the best roommates ever. I was a little afraid that it would be hard to go back to sharing my space with other adults but so far it has just been a blessing. We aren't together all the time, we are adults doing our own thing, but getting to touch base at night and in the morning is so wonderful!

So in news about my love life. It is hard to know if I should give the short or long version of this story but basically I have been dating Ray Robins, a guy I went to high school with. I ran into him at the gym where he was playing against my brother in a basketball league and we said hi (he looks way different- I didn't even recognize him). Shortly after seeing him at the gym he wrote me on Facebook ask if I wanted to hang out sometime. I thought he would be scared off by the whole Rachel thing- but he wasn't. When Rachel was gone for 10 days on her missions trip we met up and found out we had lots to talk about. I have had my reservations because he has a lot growing to do both spiritually and relationally. He is divorced (no kids) and has made a lot of bad relationship decisions in the past, and he is just coming to really know the Lord for the first time. Even in the short time I have known him I have seen so much genuine growth and struggle going in him but there is so much that only time will tell. These are things that we have been in conversation about quite a bit and I think we are both coming to the realization that the best thing is for us to be friends for a while. It is hard to know how to build a genuine friendship when we see so much potential for other stuff there but it seems necessary right now. On a positive note he does have a lot of things I very much like. For starters he is 6'7'' and a great basketball/volleyball player. He went to Princeton where he played both sports, so of course he is smart (kind of a nerd in some ways) and athletic, two very attractive things to me. He has a great job (auditor at a Nuclear Power Plant) and he has been VERY open and straight foreword with me. We can't stop talking! I think that openness, and the never ending conversation is the thing I like the most. He also really likes me and he is not scared of Rachel (OK...well maybe a little). Rachel hates the whole thing- it brings up a lot of fears for her and she treats him horribly. This has been a major challenge- it is a new adventure in parenting!

So that's the scoop on life here, so full and busy. Sorry if I haven't been able to keep everyone up to date- I have felt like I barely know what is happening myself. My heart, mind and attention have been divided all over the place but over the last month. For the last few days I have been meditating on Psalm 139. I hope everyone goes and reads it right now. It is such an amazing reminder of God's glory & power combined with his intricate care for us as individuals. He is in control! If my blog had a theme that would be it. No matter the circumstances, God is enough. This is the life lesson I keep learning over and over. It feels more and more real everytime because experience keeps showing it to be true. Praise be to God!

2009-08-08T17:59:00.000-07:00

So only one week into my new resolution to return to blogging and life has been so busy and a little hard to explain. Some stuff is just too much to try to write about. I recently met a guy and I have been totally distracted especially as Rachel has been gone all week on a mission's trip to Utah and I have been free to be a totally self-centered adult. I miss Rachel so much though and I can't wait for her to get back on Monday. I am sure there will be plenty to share at some point but I think for now I will just stay quiet. Have a great weekend!

I'm back...

2009-07-31T21:27:00.000-07:00

So it's been a season of life where the blog hasn't seemed too important. Until last weekend I hadn't uploaded any pictures since May or maybe early June and I just didn't feel much desire to be at the computer in general. I am not sure why but between little twinges of guilt I felt fine about it- and I still do. It was a season. It seems many of the blogs I follow have been sort of slow lately. Maybe it's summer? Who knows- but real life is always more important and since that is going well I think that's what matters. I do miss the feeling that I am communicating with those I love who I don't talk to all the time.

That being said...all of sudden the blogging urge has returned so here I am, back to the blog! I have to admit the fun pictures I have to share and my new discovery of cute blog backgrounds does have something to do with my sudden inspiration. Rachel is leaving for a missions trip to Utah tomorrow morning. She will be gone for 9 days. I was thinking about how this blog has mostly been the journey of becoming a mother in the most unusual way (....ok Virgin Mary's experience was probably the MOST unusual). I am hoping some interesting thoughts come to me while I experience the most adult time I've had in a few years- if so I will share.

We started the summer off with Rachel's graduation from 8th grade. She got an award for the most improved student at the school. So exciting! We had a big luau style party afterward. My Nana passed away that week so my mom had to miss it but Dad did a great job BBQing for the strange variety of folks there. Rachel's mom and brothers were able to come which was special to her.

On July 3rd a bunch of girls from work did a fun wine tasting excursion... after all we do live in wine country. We ended the day with a big dinner at my house. It was so fun! One of the wineries had all these funny wigs and hats to try on.

Are things getting a little fuzzy or what???

Autumn came to visit and as usual things got a little wacky at the Cone household. Dad & David started doing headstands and Rachel had an emotional melt down. I think she remembered why she moved so far away. It was great to see her!

We did our annual church camping trip to Big Sur. It was great to see all the people who came from out town, including Jesse & Kelly.

These family pictures show we are all dorks!

The shadows in this picture make Rachel look like an old lady- funny huh?

Last week we went to the California Mid-State Fair and saw a great Kelly Clarkson concert. Rachel and I got to meet Kelly thanks to our friend Dawn but you have to go to facebook to see those pictures.

We also got to have a great time with my sister Emily and her friend Amanda.

Here is Rachel, Dawn & I waiting to meet Kelly Clarkson

I have more pictures but I will save them for another day.

2009-05-03T20:37:00.000-07:00

Life has been busy enough that I just haven't really considered the computer much. It's been full of good things like beautiful evening walks, friends just hanging out and our newly formed small group (which has been AMAZING!!). I have also been spending my free time reading Twilight. Those books are addicting- even if they aren't the most well written. They are also really long. I was relieved when I finally got through the last one-- now I can go back to my TV/Internet addiction instead:-) For the last month or so this business has been invigorating, it's been a good sort of healthy fullness. For some reason last week felt exhausting. Work was really draining and Rachel had some kind of allergic reaction all over her skin which we spent 3-4 days trying to combat. After and ER visit and Dr's appointment we still don't know what it was but the stream of anti-histamines we were pour into her system seemed to finally help and it's just about gone. Today we had another visit with Rachel's family. It was good but I found myself struggling internally a bit more with having to share her. I think it's because she has been so snugly the last few weeks and calling me "mom" a lot. I have to accept the strangeness of the situation every time we have a visit. It helps to remember how much harder it must be for her mom. Our small group stirred up a lot of good conversation Friday night. I feel like I have a lot to ponder. So I start the new week where I should start each day, at the foot of the cross, trusting in Jesus for where else could I go?

Fine Weather, Fun & a Family Throw-Down

2009-04-11T10:01:00.000-07:00

So much as gone on the last week or two. I keep thinking of what I want to blog about each of these events but I haven't had the time and now that I do I don't know how to separate all the things I wanted to say. I should have entitled this entry "BLOB" because I feel like I am lumping lots together.

Rachel had her Spring Break the last two weeks. It is a challenge to know what to do with her when I have to work and she is out of school. While she can stay home alone it is not a great idea for her to spend long periods of her day by herself. Temptation is too strong. Over and over again I am blessed by friends and church family who spend entire days hanging out with my girl and graciously give her rides to different activities. It is very humbling because there is no way to show these people how thankful I feel for them.

At the very beginning of Rachel's break we were able to go camping with Emily and my Dad. The weather has been so beautiful here, refreshingly green and sunny. It's been inspiring to be outside as much as possible. We went camping at Arroyo Secco, a new spot we had never tried before. It was pleasantly warm when we were being toasted by the sun but a bit chilly in the shade and it smelled like spring! It was really beautiful and there was a freezing river that I have some great pictures of the girls throwing themselves into. It was more like a personal victory than fun to swim in that ice cold water. Poor Emily got sick in the middle of night while we were camping and kept having to stick her head out the tent to throw up. Of course we had just run out of bottled water before we went to bed and we had forgotten flashlights so Emily and I had to go stumbling around in the dark to try to get her some water. It was kind of sad and kind of comical all at once. She took it easy the next day and was able to keep everything down. I think it was a strange combo of calamari and oreos that made her get sick :-)

It's hard to resist driving the coast when it's beautiful like this. Last weekend we took Rachel's friend Felicia and my sister Emily to the beach. Once again the girls were willing to brave VERY COLD water! There is something about being a kid that makes you immune to cold I think.

Another big thing that happened was that Rachel's mom and brother's came to our house for the first time. We celebrated her mom's birthday and I think it really touched her mom. She has two very self-centered boys so the dinner and cake we made and the little gifts meant a lot to her. We were all a bit nervous about it but I think as we get to know one another more it gets more and more relaxed when we get together. It's a strange situation but I feel like it is good in spite of that. Today we took Rachel to the beauty school where her brother Nick is a student and he cut and highlighted her hair. The whole thing is strange because he is always showing us pictures of him all dressed up in his drag queen outfits and putting his feminine flare on display. I really enjoy him but it is hard to know how to communicate to Rachel that we can love him but his lifestyle is out of brokenness, not something we should just accept and glorify. Like any other relationships these bonds we have with Rachel's bio family are a part of a journey. I don't know what God's plan is but I just keep trying to love the people involved and I await the future with expectation.

Rachel and I have continued to have a lot of things come up day after day. We are working on "resolving" problems with one another instead of just moving on. This is a new thing for Rachel as her life experience is that she will just literally move when she has a problem with someone or they have a problem with her. Interestingly last night we went to my parents for a BBQ as my brother David just got home from Spring Break. Half way through the night we had some conflict and we spent the rest of the night "resolving" it. Anyone who has seen my family do conflict can attest to the fact that it is INTENSE! There was gesturing, crying, raised voices... and some solutions. Rachel just sat there watching the whole thing play out and she came away wide eyed. I think it was good. I hope it was good. It's another thing that's still in process.

The last thing I want to share is that God keeps putting these really special opportunities to share about him in my path. I go the chiropractor a few times a month to get these short massages, and I almost always get them from the same girl. She is a few year younger than I am and a very sweet and "good" person. We have talked a lot over the last few months and yesterday when I went in I asked her about the vacation I knew she was getting ready to leave on that evening. She told me her plans had changed because her mom was having emergency surgery. We talked about this for awhile and the about other things. As she was getting ready to leave I asked her if she was disappointed about not going to with her original plans. She paused a long time and then began sharing with me that her brother was going into rehab. She became very emotional and I asked her if it would be OK if I prayed for her mom and brother. She said she would appreciate that. We talked a little more and then I asked her if I could pray for her right then. I am not sure what she thought of my prayer but I lay there naked except for the little sheet over me holding her hand praying for her and I felt so blessed that God had allowed me that opportunity. There is nothing better than feeling God at work through us.

So tomorrow is Easter. I don't feel quite prepared. I am excited about the sun rise service we always go to. It's one of my favorite of the year for it's beauty and simplify. So I'm off to make some deviled eggs and try to get focused for tomorrow. The reality is that the hope of Easter is what has blessed me over the last few weeks. I have felt so grateful for so much and God is at work through the stresses of my job, the struggles of parenting and family, and the mundane things of life (cleaning house, budgeting...). I am blessed to know God day in and day out but I hope to realize a piece of the depth of his sacrifice tomorrow.

He has risen dear friends! He has risen indeed!

2009-03-23T21:36:00.000-07:00

Here is a quick list of a few things I feel thankful for...

Family

Beauty

Warm Drinks

A peaceful house

Conversation

The time & space to be creative

Worship

Friends who reach out

Purpose

Redemption

an abundance of friends doing Weight Watchers

clever words

dancing

the kindness of those who pick up Rachel

eye make-up remover

Coworkers

prayer

I am so thankful for the promise we can see in Paul's words in Philippians 4:4-13

"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.
I rejoice greatly in the Lord that at last you have renewed your concern for me. Indeed, you have been concerned, but you had no opportunity to show it. I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength. "

When I read this chapter it was amazing to see that our focus on "whatever is true, whatever is noble,..." comes right before the assurance that we can be content in any situation through "him who gives us strength." It think this is because there is a battle field in our mind. The battle is over contentment and peace and there is an army saying just what Satan told Eve in the garden of Eden- just take a bite of that fruit "You will not surely die, for God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil."We are tempted by the forbidden fruit of blatant sin, or more often in my world self reliance. So tonight I choose to be thankful. I choose to give up ownership of what I have for a peace that passes understanding. Thank you Lord for what you have given me. All of it. The difficult things and the generous things. Thank you.

Heritage

2009-03-18T23:02:00.000-07:00

It continues to be a difficult time with Rachel. I am always trying to figure out what is causing her sudden flare of anger but there are too many options to figure out which one it is. Last night she told me that she had to do a "bio board" for her history class, talking about her family's heritage with pictures etc. She doesn't want kids to know she is adopted and she is trying to figure out what to do for her project because she wants to put both her families on there. This was just a reminder of how little I can relate to what Rachel might be going through. I have old family pictures all over my house. My parents are still married and we can sit around and talk about family history any day of the week. I know she feels really torn between her two families and as much as I try to give her permission to be a part of both families it is very confusing. It is a question of heritage. Who am I? Where do I belong? What family defines me?

I have been revisiting how difficult this whole adoption thing is. It's hard to face Rachel's anger and rejections for things someone else did to her. It's hard to know there is a piece of Rachel's heart that will always belong to her bio mom and not me. It is hard to hear her hurtful words, "I will never love you." It is hard to share her with a family I don't trust. The Lord does not call his people into easy or painless situations and this is no exception. I was blessed to have lunch with my friend Ann Ward today. She has been a foster parent for over 20 years and she also has a son with Muscular Dystrophy. She is a very strong and lovely woman who is always seeking after the Lord to have victory over difficult situations. We talked about how our minds and emotions are such war zones. We can't believe everything they tell us. It is such a blessing to have fellow believers who are calling you to "take your thoughts captive," and to "consider it all joy." I let so many things steal my joy. I don't have to fake and pretend I don't struggle but I don't need to be stuck there. God offers the VICTORY over our depression, loneliness, struggle and sin!

March Madness

2009-03-15T16:02:00.000-07:00

I am finally coming out of the cloud of tissues and cough medicine that has left me stumbling from point A to point B and then straight into bed without any desire to blog, cook, exercise, clean house or even make conversation. After a great amount of sleep I woke up yesterday morning full of energy and ready to conquer the world. I still have one of those sexy scratchy sounding voices but I can breath without coughing now. We did have our friends, the Tapeneses move in with us for the week last Monday (I need to get some pictures of them). They found a place to rent right down the street so they are already moving out but it's been very easy to have them around. The mom and dad (Ray and Pearl) have been busy getting their new place ready and working, and their girls have been staying with a friend. Grandma Margo (Ray's mom) who mostly speaks Spanish has been here all day every day though. She is very sweet and is mostly content to watch our one Spanish TV station. Unfortunately I got her sick. Due to her illness and her loneliness we have had a funny time trying to communicate. She will start trying to speak English to me only to lapse into a 5 minute conversation in Spanish which I cannot understand. I think she is just lonely to talk with someone even if they don't understand. I am glad it worked out for them to stay with us but I wish I had been a little more hospitable. I spent a lot of time in my room sleeping and reading this week since I wasn't feeling well but that's just the way it worked out.

Rachel and I had a rough week. I actually don't think it had anything to do with the family staying with us or the visit we had with her family on Monday. I felt like the visit was the best one we had so far, everyone seemed more comfortable. I am not sure what contributed to the extreme anger/mood swings Rachel was demonstrating this week but I think it had something to do with hormones. Things are still somewhat unresolved between us and I am feeling very sensitive to the small rejections she makes a habit of directing toward me. I explained to her today that when you don't work things out with people it is like they have a bruise and then when you hit them on the arm (even if you mean it playfully) they react very badly because it hurts more. She still refused to talk with me about what it going on but I think she heard me. It is hard because of her attachment issues I have to be more thoughtful in my consequences. It is hard to find the balance of having standards and being consistent while remembering that often relationship not consequences is the better method to promote change. I have been impatient this week. I just want to force Rachel to do what I say but she has been in a place this week where she will make sure I mean what I say no matter how extreme the consequences I threaten. This just becomes a power struggle and believe me neither one of us has a soft heart in this situation. The joys of teenage girls!

The only other thing I really have to say is that I have clearly decided that I am lonely for companionship. It is hard being a single mom, mostly because I need a companion to help provide some balance to my life and to be in the thick of things with me. While I have desired this as long as I can remember, often good friendships or even a strong sense of purpose in my life have met some of this need. I am in place right now where I am stripped of those types of friendship and it is very lonely. I think I have been really feeling this over the last few months. I am not sure how I will ever meet the right guy at this point and the longer I am single the more terrifying the prospect becomes, but I know that these feelings aren't wrong. I am however at a loss about what to do with them. I think I have to renew my willingness to let God fulfill me relationally because he has not given me a husband or even an everyday friend at this time in my life. It is hard to believe that God is enough sometimes but it is true. God is enough. I must speak this truth to myself.

So that is a rapid-fire, disjointed view of the things that have been bumping around in my snot-filled brain this week. Prayers are welcome. May God bless you all in the week to come!

2009-03-05T20:18:00.000-08:00

I called in sick today. I had a sore throat but more than that I had a sudden irresistible yearning to stay in bed all day. I took Rachel to school, fielded a few phone calls and emails for work and staying in my pajamas. I read the first Twilight book today. It was fun to spend a whole day with Bella and Edward (pictured above). I made a point to shirk of the guiltily feeling I should be doing something more productive and just savored being alone. I took a bath, drank some tea, took a nap, and finished a whole book in one day. I loved it! My dad picked Rachel up to school for me and then helped me hang up some hooks in my bathroom. We aren't the most handy people and ended up putting some giant holes in the wall only to discover that we couldn't get the molly bolts in due to a pipe in the wall. We just laughed, hung something to cover the huge holes and finally found a home for the hooks on the other side of the bathroom wall. I wouldn't want to lay around every day but I didn't mind it one bit today. I am actually looking foreword to work tomorrow. Refreshed. I'd say that describes the feeling.

Pensive

2009-03-03T19:23:00.000-08:00

So I have been pensive lately. I have had lots of thoughts but not enough uninhibited time with friends to work them out. I hope to share more with you all as I figure it out myself. One of the areas that I can verbalize the best is about my house. Rachel and I have been blessed to live in a 3 bedroom house with an office and 2 living rooms. Ever since we moved in I have wanted to use this house. It feels like such a blessing to live here when I am broke and thousands of Americans are losing their houses. I have been praying that God would show me how to use this house and I have been constantly weeding through the extra things that have gotten stored in the spare bedroom so that when I knew what to do with that room it would be ready.

Two weekends ago I made a lot of progress on that room which included taking a trunk full of stuff to the thrift store. On Tuesday of last week I talked to the foster parent point person at work and told her that Rachel and I would like to do respite (glorified babysitting for foster kids by people who have finger prints on file) one weekend or so a month for a girl close to Rachel's age. Rachel and I had talked about this for awhile and we wanted to try it both as a way to meet the extra we need for our budget and to give to others. The next morning a friend of mine who is a foster parent called to say that her foster daughter had gotten in trouble and couldn't go on the youth group trip she was supposed to attend. My friend was going out of town for the weekend and needed somewhere for her foster daughter to go. So Brianna spent the weekend with us. It was really great to have her. She had her issues but she LOVED being with us. She is 14 and has really missed out on hanging out with girls her own age since being in foster care. My sister Emily, Rachel and Brianna had a blast together Saturday night. Check out the hilarious pictures. We had a dance party, watched girly movies and made cookies. Brianna said "this was my first girls night ever!" Rachel also had an allergic reaction to my parent's cat so there are so pretty funny pictures of her lip all swollen up. It was like that for 24 hours. Poor girl... but funny! I am not that sympathetic of a mom I guess.

So as for the rest of my thoughts on using my house. A week ago I had this sense when I was in church that we should have a family who didn't have somewhere to go move in with us. I didn't know if it was from God or from watching the movie Kit Kittridge (yes that is an American girl doll movie about the Great Depression). In that movie they have lots of people rent out rooms in their house and they get very creative with space. Since we are going through our own "Great Depression" right now it caused me to wonder how this economy will effect our lives.

Last Saturday my sister told me that some family friends of ours had just lost their business and are now losing their house and need somewhere to go. My wheels started turning and by Sunday afternoon I had talked with them about moving in with us (it would be a mom, dad, and 2 high school aged girls). I am not sure if they will need to- they still have a lot up in the air but even the fact that we can ask them has me so thankful for this space! I feel like God is assuring me that he will use me and give my life and my home purpose. It's amazing how sometimes the things you write reveal your heart but just reading that last sentence says a lot. I am seeking what my purpose is in this phase of life. I am thankful that The Word says "seek and you shall find, knock and the door shall be opened unto you."

On the Road Again

2009-02-21T11:23:00.000-08:00

Vicky & Me

Vicky & Jeff- the happy couple

Jennifer & Me

Rachel & Me in front of Cesar's Palace (I think)

All the kiddos

Rachel in fron of slot machines. I love this picture!

My baby

Lion's laying above us... cool huh?

Road Trip!

We had a great trip.

Friday night we spent with David and Angela (my brother and his girlfriend) in LA at Biola. We went out to dinner and then goofed around playing basketball in the Biola gym. Rachel was glowing from getting to practice her basketball skills with her tall college ball playing uncle and it turns out little Angela (she is only 5'2'' to my brother's 6'9'') is actually a really good shot. Rachel and I stayed in Angela's dorm room... another fun experience for Rachel. It made me feel a little old because I realised that I haven't been in college for almost 7 years. I still feel like I just graduated. I LOVED college so it's hard for me to come to terms with the fact that I am just going to be further and further away from those days.

We had to leave BIOLA pretty early and drive straight through the desert to Las Vegas. Rachel and I had decided to play Whitney Houston's "I wanna dance with somebody" every hour as our road trip song. We danced our way through the desert, did some tricky change action in the car, and made it to the chapel about 10 minutes late. We just missed the ceremony- very funny considering this is the 2nd wedding ceremony we have missed in the last 6 months or so. Thankfully it was a real quick ceremony and the reception was what they really wanted us there for. This is Vicky's third marriage and so it was different than most weddings I have gone to. She and Jeff are really a great match for one another and they have a great sense of humor (see the cup cake topper). Vicky and Jeff have quite a few tattoos and so they got temporary tattoos with their names on it as party favors. So fun! I know it meant a lot to them that we came. They made a slide show of their lives and they made sure to include pictures of all the people who had come to the wedding. There were a few pictures of Rachel when she had lived with Vicky when she was about 7 years old (the 1st of times she lived with her). It is so neat that Rachel can have some positive connections with old foster parents because most her foster parent memories are not the best. I am also thankful for my friendship with Vicky and her daughter Jennifer. I know God has put us in oneanother's lives for a reason.

After the wedding we had a few hotel difficulties but it all worked out and Rachel and I went with Jennifer (Vicky's daughter who is also my friend) and her son (Dayne), along with Vicky's younger kids (Tenny and Levi), old foster daughter (Stormy) and her baby (Gennovesia) and Vicky's friend Robyn and her daughter (Julie) to see the Strip. Vegas is such a weird place. Full of beautiful lights and buildings and creative shows (I love the dancing fountain at the Bellagio) and yet it's all tainted by so much glorified smut. I talked about it with Rachel pretty openly but it's hard to feel good about bringing a kid who already struggles with attraction to the bright lights of the world to a place like that. How we handle the world is an ongoing conversation that we are going to be struggling with throughout our lives.

I have to say that Rachel is a different kid when we travel. She wants to hold my hand and she cuddles up to me. Something about being out of her normal little world helps her accept my love. I sometimes wonder if she can pretend that I am her only mom when we are away without feeling guilt. At any rate after a good night sleep Saturday night Rachel and I went back to the strip and sped-walked through all kinds of beautiful hotels/casinos. We both really loved seeing the Lions at the MGM. It was so crazy, they were laying above us on the glass walkway. You could almost touch them. About 4pm our feet were killing us and we jumped in the car and took off for home. We took the 58 straight home. We hit a bit of traffic getting out of the dessert but we were home before midnight. I was so excited to fall asleep in my own bed but I'm really glad we went.

2009-02-13T14:00:00.000-08:00

Rachel and I head to LA today right after she gets out of school. I have had to day off so I have been enjoying seeing my house in the daytime, running errands, and having lunch with Rachel at school. She was so excited for me to come and I could tell she was nervous that I wouldn't show up because she double checked that I knew what time lunch was so many times over the last few days. Junior High kids are crazy and mean but I enjoyed eating lunch with them anyway!

The picture above is Rachel and I with her friend Felicia when she went on a hike with us a few months ago. Rachel likes to announce to her friends that I am only 28. It is awkward because she doesn't tell most of them that she is adopted. A while back she told me that one boy said, "ewww, doesn't that mean she had you when she was 12?" Rachel responded, "no, 14." He said, "that's gross," and she said, "don't worry- I won't follow in my mother's footsteps." That is a perfect example of her sense of humor!

So we are heading to LA tonight to see my brother David and his girlfriend Angela. Tomorrow morning we head to Las Vegas for a wedding for Vicky- my friend and an old foster mother of Rachel's. I have been dreading this trip but I am starting to get excited. I am a little nervous about the sore throat I'm battling as there has been a lot of nasty sickness that's been going around.

Even though "what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas" I am sure I will have some pictures to share when we get back. Have a good weekend!

2009-02-10T22:18:00.000-08:00

This is a picture of my friend Tanya with Rachel and I on adoption day. Tanya is a special friend who I work with. Just to clarify I work with LOTS of people but only a few are my real true friends, and she is one of them. I don't see Tanya a lot at work but we passed one another in hall today and she asked me how I was. When Tanya asks any question it is filled with intention and I found myself giving her a very honest answer, as least the best way I knew how. Those of you that know me at all have probably noticed that I'm a verbal processor. As Alina used to say you can see the "wheels turning" as I talk. Because I am around people so much, sometimes I don't realize how deprived I am of real processing until someone (like Tanya) is the catalyst for my self-reflection. So I told her how I have been feeling in a funk lately and a few of the reasons I think maybe that is. She listened and validated, but mostly just listened, which is a gift of hers.

In the evening, a new friend I am making, Marie (also from work) called and asked how I was. That really got the wheels turning all over again, we talked about many of the same things and I got a little more clarity and she is a real prayer warrior, so I am blessed to know she is praying for me.

A floodgate of emotions is rising up in me and I know there is a lot inside. I know that I really need to repent. My heart has been hard and cold to the Lord lately. I almost couldn't bring myself to teach high school Sunday school last week because I felt so distant from the Lord. I feel like a stubborn and disobedient child. I don't even know why I feel that way but let me tell you there is no freedom apart from living in Christ. It's not like I've been whoring myself out or anything, it's a more subtle rebellion. I think it's almost worse. I'd rather turn on the TV than pray or read The Word. I feel tired and stuck. This is transferring into other areas as well. Last week was a really difficult week for me to stay on track with Weight Watchers. I have also been very short tempered with Rachel and feeling very sorry for myself when faced with her constant small rejections towards me. It's ironic because I think Rachel's attitude towards me is much like what I am doing toward the Lord.

It is hard for me to know how to really repent. I struggle to find real worship in my church, it's a place I love but I seldom feel fed there. I know I need to spend personal time with the Lord but it seems overwhelming to me right now. I need structure. It helps in me lots of areas and I feel like I need someone to walk me through steps of repentance. My brother and sister-in-law have become Orthodox Christians and one thing I appreciate about the way they live out their faith is their confession time with their priest. They explained to me that the priest is there to help ask them questions and help them pinpoint or be more honest in their confession. Sometimes I feel like I need that.

I hope it's appropriate to repent on a blog because I want to remain honest before the Lord but also before my friends. These words seems little shallow but here goes...

Lord I am sorry for the way I wound you day after day with my lack of trust and my interest in myself and things of this world rather than you. Lord I know that you offer Peace like a River! I know there is Power in the Blood! I know that I am not of this World! I have experienced these truths. I dip my toe in the water of your power and love but I think it is better to remain safe and dry on the shore of this world where I have to carry my own oppressive weight and the burdens Satan would have me bare. Lord I need you to change me. I need you to show me the agents of change you have for me. Lord I need companionship with a small group of believers who are faithful and available who can help me stay honest and who can help me process my life and my purpose. Lord you have done amazing things in my life. You have blessed me and turned my face toward you day after day. Do not withhold yourself from me. Forgive me. Thank you that I can ask for that. I know I will receive full forgiveness but help me to realize a fraction of the height and depth of that forgiveness and the cost of it. Amen

2009-01-31T10:26:00.001-08:00

Let me just say- nothing motivates you to do a new post like having a really ugly picture of yourself at the top of the last post.

So it's a Saturday morning and even though I shamelessly love to sleep-in till 11am or 12pm on Saturdays I am reforming because I have found that the joy of 2 hours alone (while Rachel... and in today's case my sister Emily sleep-in) actually motivates this sleepy girl out of bed. I don't think I have posted about it but I started doing Weight Watchers a little bit before Thanksgiving. As of last Monday I had lost nearly 21 lbs! Eating better has definitely given me more energy so I think that has added to my motivation to get up on Saturday mornings.

I am just one of those people who can sleep, and sleep and sleep. It is both a blessing (no insomnia here!) and a curse (I need a lot of sleep and getting out of bed is a BUMMER). Recently there was an article called "good in bed" in Real Simple Magazine where Julie Rottenberg rights about her obsession with sleep and how others have always labeled it a "problem." She humorously defends those of us who love sleeping (she is even more extreme than I am). I have to say that sleepy Saturday mornings are one of the perks of skipping straight to the teenage stage of parenting. Rachel can out sleep even me!

So even though I have a long list of things to do, prepare to teach Sunday School, take things to the thrift store, by a birthday present, work out, buy light bulbs, I am spending a little time catching up on blogs, seeing what is new on facebook, and doing lots of other little things that aren't serving any purpose but feeding my soul this Saturday morning. Even though I'm not sleeping right now it's another way I spend these hours getting refreshed for the week to come. Hope you all have a refreshing weekend too!

Autumn comes to the South (in the Winter)

2009-01-24T10:12:00.000-08:00

how we feel about Autumn leaving...

Here is a belated post on my sister Autumn's recent move to Chattanooga.

She moved the same weekend we went to Pheonix- in fact she spent one night with us in Pheonix, which is where the pictures were taken. In her usual hillarious way she drove off into the sunset with her rusty old car Stella packed to the gills. She had it pretty well organized but the month before she left her car doors started having all kinds of problems so she had to pop her trunk open with a file and flashlight (pictured above)... and by the time she had driven half way to Tennesee her driver's side door stopped opening. It was a true adventure including a whole day of driving 25 miles per hour through Arizona and New Mexico in the ice and snow and sliding off the road into an imbankment of snow. She made it safe and sound to her new home, her new roommate, and the new job she got within a few days of arriving. God has taken great care with her! When asked why she moved, the answer may not always be clear, a need for a change, a dream, an adventure, a feeling, but I think all who know her well support the decision even if it means she will be apart from us. God has really provided for every need and has prepared her for this new time in her life.

Having lived in Chattanooga myself I have to say that hearing her talk about the people and places there has put an aching in my chest for my old Chatt-town connections. After getting off the phone with her I find myself wanting to pick up and move there- but I can't of course. My connections to that place have been stirred again. Covenant College and Chattanooga was such a huge part of my growth into an adult but the last few years have been so focused on my California life that I almost forgot. Hearing Autumn's adventures reminds me of all that I love there. I am so thankful for my life there and my life here but the struggle between the two always makes me long for heaven when we will no longer be a pilgrim, when we will finally be home.

Pheonix

2009-01-19T00:27:00.000-08:00

Chelsea and Waddy

Rachel, Ashley and me

Waddy's grandpa and me

From our California groupies, Dominique was there- newly engaged herself

Marcus, in a rare moment where he is still long enough to be captured on camera

Ashley and I and her new sweet baby!
Rachel learns about spit up (the hard way)

Here are some long overdue pictures of Rachel and my trip to Pheonix to see my old friends the Cagles/Steeles for Chelsea's wedding on January 4th. In her usual gracious way Ashley (sister of the bride) let us stay with her even though there was SO MUCH going on! It was crazy, the way weddings always are but Chelsea was beautiful, there was some neat cultural flare (Chelsea's husband Waddy is from the Dominican Republic), and there was some great kareoki at the reception! As many of you know I have a knack for attracting strange men. Well Waddy's grandfather came to the wedding and for some reason he just loved Rachel and I and pretty much spent the whole day with us. He spoke English but it was a little difficult to follow. He lives in the US part of the year and the DR the rest. He was interesting and it was fun to hang out with him and ask him about his life but toward the end of the reception he started rubbing my leg a little friendly-like and trying to get me to do something with him after the reception. Well I kept my distance from him the rest of the night but I am telling you people- no one normal (or my age) is attracted to me!!!

Besides the wedding it was just great to remember how comfortable things can be with old friends (even when they have kids, and you have kids). Ashley and Robert were so great with Rachel and it was so wonderful to get to see their kids (Marcus and Evelyn) and observe what amazing parents they are. We got a great picture of Evy spitting up on Rachel!

I think everyone at the wedding who knew the Cagles when they lived in California grieved a little that they aren't here anymore, that their dad Denise wasn't there (he passed away about a year and half ago), and that so much has changed in the last 7 years for all of them. It is hard to know how to move on sometimes without losing your history but I appreciate that all the Cagle kids have maintained so many of their connections while facing the daily reality that life isn't the same.

It was fun for Rachel and I to drive to Pheonix. It is about 10 hours and since Christmas was so busy it was really good to have that one-on-one time. Ever since the adoption Rachel had been pretty distant with me but the trip seemed to help give us the time and space we needed to reconnect. We brought some books on tape from the library which kept us entertained, and on the way home we stopped in LA to have lunch with David and Angela (my brother and his girlfriend) who had just headed back to college. My brother had knee surgery and has been on crutches for a few months. It was fun when he walked into the restraunt where we met them without any crutches! A great end to a good (though not very restful) weekend. I was so thankful we went, and for the love of our far-away friends!

Adoption Party at last!

2008-12-30T22:31:00.000-08:00

We had a big adoption party on Saturday night and it was a big success. We shoved aside some couches, put up some extra Christmas lights and made a dance floor. We told everyone to dress up, put on our fanciest duds (mine was an old bridesmaids dress from Mary's wedding) and the people poured in. My only regret is not getting a picture of Rachel and I together at all during the night.

We had family and friends, including some serious dancers like Tess pictured here.
Even some old friends home for Christmas

I think the picture above is my favorite of the night.

Some of my best buddies

We did some toasting... this was a little much for Rachel but we made it through with her saying "I thought this was supposed to be about me" a number of times and giving me the cold shoulder. It went better than I expected.Some of the toasts were quite dramatic... even tear jerkers.It was amazing to witness the large community of people who love Rachel and came out to support us. How beautiful that families from our church who have poured into me and now pouring into her as well. It is such a blessing!

When the night got a little later we changed into comfy clothes and took some pictures with friends and family... things got a little crazy at a certain point and we all started putting grapes in our upper lip. At least we got one picture together!

Christmas

2008-12-28T22:35:00.000-08:00

I have been excited about Christmas all month but I had some panicky moments on Christmas Eve when I realised that I still had things to do, and I had to work a full day and then go straight to a Christmas Eve service- it dawned on me that I really didn't have time to do it all. Well it all worked out. I was able to run an errand on a break from work and then leave about an hour early. Then I went to the Christmas Eve service at church where Rachel and I were chosen as the family to light the last nativity candle. The Christmas Eve service is my favorite of the year. This year my church added a communion service at 11:45pm. I decided I would go to that service as well and use all the in between time to wrap presents and run more errands. When I realised there were not really any stores open I gave up hope of getting all the little unimportant things I wanted to add to make my presents to make them just perfect. I am so glad because between cooking some things for the next day and wrapping presents I still barely made it to the 11:45pm service. The service was beautiful but I have to admit I kept laughing whenever I looked over at Rachel because I had woken her up to go and she does not do well being woken up. She could barely hold herself up but when I asked if she wanted to lean on me and go to sleep during the service she said "no, I need my independence." She kept staring at me all through the service with this look like I was the worst mom in the world. It was such an intense look I kept bursting into laughter everytime I caught her looking at me.

We spent the night at my parents Christmas Eve but we didn't arrive until around 1:30a. My sister Emily and Rachel set their alarm to wake up at 4am and open their stockings. I was sleeping in the same room as them and sneakily turned off the alarm before I went to bed. Neither one of them mentioned it when they woke up around 8am the next morning and we were all the better for the extra sleep. Presents were fun the next day, as was the relaxed family time. I ended up taking a delicious 4 hour nap in the middle of the day. It was such a better Christmas than last year when Rachel was really starting her testing of me. I can't believe it's only been a year. At the end of the day we went home having had a really good day but I really feel like we didn't focus on the Lord much. Next year I want to introduce some more Christ centered traditions for Christmas day- it seems like we tend to do most of that on Christmas Eve. Any good ideas?

December 18th

2008-12-28T21:37:00.000-08:00

Here is a long overdue account of our Adoption Day:

Rachel and I started off the morning nervous and quiet. Rachel wasn't to interested in eating and my stomache hurt. Being the first to arrive we sat watching strange people talking outside the courtrooms to their lawyers about their DUI charges and court ordered medication until it was about 10am and some agency people started showing up (social workers, our therapist, CASA worker, adoption home study lady and an in home counselor). That relieved the tension a bit until all at once our family and friends arrived. My brother and his girlfriend surprised Rachel... she thought they had finals that day and couldn't make it in time. As soon as she saw them and the rest of the family she relaxed and started having a good time. My family and the 5 friends that came, along with all the different workers there made up the largest group. There was a feeling of celebration in the air. Everyone started introducing themselves to one another and as people chatted away while the other adoptions were going on (we were last on the docket) we were so loud the balliff had to come tell us to quiet down. Everyone showered us with cards, flowers and presents and lots and lots of hugs. The excitement was tangible. Rachel was excited along with everyone else and when things got quiet for a minute she entertained everyone by doing a hunchback immitation down the hallway.

Once we got in the courtroom Rachel and I sat next to our lawyer infront of the judge where the plantiff sits. Then the judge instructed everyone else that they could sit the jury box. The judge was relaxed and said "this is the best part of being a judge." We were sworn in and then the lawyer asked me questions about my willingness and ability to take care of Rachel. After that he asked her if that was ok with her. She agreed by saying "sure" and rolling her eyes. That was pretty good for her. Then we signed the paperwork and the judge said some words that made it official. Then someone asked if they could do the wave... and they did! We went out to lunch afterwards but it was pretty mellow. We were tired from the emotion of it all.

Rachel do the hunchback

The jury box full of our supporters

Sitting in front of the judge

Some of my best friends showing their support!

My dad and sister Autumn with Rachie

My mom and I

Rachel with some of her Family Care Network people

Family and Friends

Surprise! David and Angela made it after all!

Our friend Tanya-Bolanya

Rachel and Grandma

The Cones

Aunt Autumn and Rachel... two hot girls!

Blessed

2008-12-17T23:09:00.000-08:00

Well the smell of the pine tree, the glow of the lights, the chill of the air and the Christmas carols are giving me the tingly feeling I got as a kid before something exciting was going to happen. I have tried to plan ahead this year so I can enjoy Christmas... and I am. I can't help but feel that jittery anticipation every time I wrap a present or pull out a special ornament. I have also been super excited about the adoption. It's tomorrow morning and I feel a mixture of nervousness and joy. Someone asked me why I feel nervous and I told them it was the sheer responsibility of the whole thing. I feel certain of my love and commitment to Rachel- I've been certain of that for a very long time, but the idea that it is all on my shoulders is scary!

I remember the night before she moved in with me. I sat in my bed before I went to sleep and tried to write down what I was feeling. It was such a whirlwind getting ready for her that I felt numb. I am not nearly as exhausted as I was that night but once again I feel a little lost. What are suppose to feel when something this big is happening? I keep thinking this might be a bit what someone feels like before they get married but since my life is a little out of order compared to the average person I don't really know. Rachel has been surprisingly excited the last few days but tonight she was pretty withdrawn and had a small melt down before bed. She asked me if her mom was going to be there and when I told her "no" she seemed upset. Questions just made it worse so I'm not really sure what is going on in her head. I am sure that with the happiness about the adoption also comes loss and fear. I talked to her about that tonight while she just berried her head in a pillow. She listened but didn't respond to me and then finally fell asleep as I finished our nightly routine by praying for her. I am trying to prepare myself that she might be mean at court tomorrow as that is her usual response to anxiety (IE:roll her eyes when the judge talks to her or say that she doesn't actually want to be adopted). I hope it's not like that but I have to let go of my expectations and my pride. Never having been to an adoption like this, neither one of us knows what to expect. We just have to wait and see I guess.

In all of this I am trying to figure out how to be. I just threw a baby shower for my friend Paige this weekend. It was a great shower by the way and I wish I had pictures... I'll get some soon I hope. When someone has a baby there are these social norms that we go through like the baby showers, feeling the baby kick, and helping them get their baby clothes and nursery ready. I am not really sure what to do in our situation. Adopting Rachel is just as big a deal as having a baby but its different too. I really have to forge my own path when it comes to how we celebrate it and help others process what it means as well. I think that I understand Mary a little more this year. She was so blessed but I am sure she had no idea what to do with herself when that angel came to her and told her she was pregnant with God. I am not comparing Rachel to God but I do know what it is to do something that is pretty much foreign to others and beyond myself. As I write about this I think I know what it is I feel about becoming a mother tomorrow- a mixture of awe, utter joy and healthy fear.

Blessed am I among women.

It's almost here... and I'm not talking about Christmas

2008-12-11T22:09:00.000-08:00

One week from today I will be an official mom! December 18th at 10am we go to court. I am so excited!

Today was the Christmas party for the clients at work. Because Rachel is still a "client" of Family Care Network where I'm employed, she came. The Family Care Christmas party has probably been one of the few Christmas traditions she has had in her life. She has been going for most of the last 6 or 7 years. Inspite of this fact, as I watched her today I thought, "this is another tradition that I will be happy to let go!" She was so anxious when we were there. She had so much history there seeing old social workers, foster parents and other kids in the "system," that she used to know. There were good intentions and good moments but its not a good history. Even though I think it is hard for her to imagine a world without Family Care Network and DSS, I think she will find it mostly a relief. It is neat to see how she is excepting things more and more. In the last few days she has told quite a few people that I am her "mother." I love it! She and I have been trying to come up with something she can call me besides "Brooke" or "Mom." Please leave a comment if you have any ideas. So far we have had some good laughs but no real solid ideas. Most ideas end up sounding like something you call your grandmother.

We have invited quite a few social workers, family and friends coming to court with us next Thursday. At the Christmas party today I ran into one of Rachel's old social workers who I greatly dislike. The minute I saw her I got this icky feeling in my stomache. She preceeded to tell me that she was coming to the court date on the 18th. It made me so mad! I never invited her but I guess another DSS social worker told her the date so she decided to come. It's a stupid thing and I have to let go of it. I am becoming aware that I have some forgiveness that needs to happen in my heart when I react to her so strongly. Rachel doesn't have hard feelings toward her or I would say something but I think its probably best to be gracious about it. I guess that's what I am saying about the whole fostercare piece, it just feels so invasive and that is just another example. In spite of being relieved I am also a little sad. I like the challenge of being a foster parent. There is some part of me that feels like I was created to be a foster parent. I love relationships, crisis and challenge. I feel like God gave me a certain blend of patience and spunk to do well with difficult kids and he has given me a heart for them. I get to use all my communication skills and all kinds of creative interventions and it causes me to depend on the Lord so much. I know that I will still be on my toes with Rachel but it's in a different way. I am not complaining because this is what all the hard work is for- healing. Being able to see her healing take place so drastically is AMAZING! In time another kiddo may come along that is meant for me. We will see. In the mean time, I am just so stinking excited that the day that Rachel will be an offcial part of my family is just around the corner. Her journey isn't over but I can't express how great it is that she can finally belong to someone and stop being "a foster kid." It also really great that the someone she belongs to gets to be me!

The end of one road & the begining of another

2008-12-04T22:51:00.000-08:00

So today was our last WRAP meeting. WRAP is the particular fostercare program we are in. The meeting was with her 2 social workers and 1 worker. December 1st Rachel became an official adoption placement in my home and on December 18th at 10am she will officially be adopted! It seems both so long in coming and so fast. Only a year ago at this time Rachel was just begining to test my love for her with all her might. I cannot tell you how different things are. It has been such a great week! Rachel was sick Tuesday so I stayed home with her. She just ate up all the one one one attention. I so easily forget how much she needs that connection with me! I think she needs in more than most kids but even in my sister I can see that no matter what her words say she does so much better when my parents or I just sit and listen to her, making the point to look her in the eyes for a long time. Teens need that I think. They need to be seen. It is interesting that I sometimes get so busy multi-tasking that I forget to just be with others. I am learning this about myself as I try to juggle working full time, managing my house and being a person in relationship with others (mom, friend, daughter, sister).

I can see a peace settling over Rachel this week. I think she is really starting to trust that this adoption thing is real. After our meeting today I felt so relieved. As much as the social workers have been a help at times it always stresses both Rachel and I out to be in those meetings. She acts strange in the meetings, always trying to get attention and reaction from the workers. Even though I am sure this will happen at other times (possibly our big adoption party) I think there is some part of her anxiety and leaves when "the system" is out of our lives. I am so glad that we get to be a normal family! I can unlock my cleaning supplies and let her sleep in my bed if she has bad dreams. I don't have to tell anyone if we head out of town or if she has a big outburst. She will be my kid! I just keep praying that I can comprehend it all. I signed her new birth certificate the other day... she will actually have one with my name on it- crazy huh? It's such a big deal I can't really feel it as deeply as it seems I should. Wow!

Just so you all know: All of you far and wide are invited to our adoption party December 27th at 7p at our house. It is fancy party... dress clothes are required!

Thanksgiving

2008-11-28T18:34:00.000-08:00

I can't believe it's been a month since I have posted last. I really enjoyed Thanksgiving and Autumn this year but I just haven't been sharing it enough I guess. So in blog world we skip from Halloween to Christmas.

Before we leave Thanksgiving (mine was nice by the way) this quote has been on my mind and I wanted to share my thoughts...

"The Pilgrims made seven times more graves than huts. No Americans have been more impoverished than these who, nevertheless, set aside a day of thanksgiving." ~H.U. Westermayer

I know we are supposed to give thanks in all circumstances but reading that quote made me realise that sometimes a thankful heart comes out of depending upon the Lord just to get you through each day rather than living in bounty and blessing. This year has been full of huge changes, challenges, blessings and losses. Through this year God has provided amazing peace day in and day out... more faithful than a best friend, a husband or a fat bank account. Knowing this peace came out of incredibly trying circumstaces. I can truely say I am thankful for each one of those trials because I would never have known the Lord's greatness without them!

My Thanksgiving prayer:
"Thank you Lord for my house, my job, running water and the other comforts of my world. Thank you for the friends, family and social workers who have helped me with Rachel this year, and for swaying hearts and minds to do what is best for Rachel, leading to our upcoming adoption. Thank you for Rachel, her spunk, her growth, and her healing, and for the joy of being her parent. Most of all thank you that no matter what you call me to do now or later, you are with me. You were with me through Rachel's testing, you were with me when I sat by my Papa's hospital bed as he died. You were there when I got the phone call that Jessica was dying, and when I fell apart crying at work. You were with me when my friends Matt and Alina moved away and then Jake and Wendy too. You were with me when I sat in big meetings faced with losing Rachel, or when I felt fear and anger about Rachel's relationship with her family. You were there when I felt helpless to soothe my sister's broken heart, or help my brother with his injured knee. When I was overwhelmed and hopeless with other brokeness in myself, my family and my friends you were there. You have been there in my deepest quietest sorrows, my most vunerable doubts, in my loneliness and in my grief. I thank you for the priveledge of knowing that you are a tangible God who can be trusted in difficulty and who always brings hope, redemption and peace. Thank you for an imperfect life lived in the palm of a perfect God's hands."

Halloween

2008-11-01T12:54:00.000-07:00

There are lots of things I could post about but pictures are always the best. Rachel has a friend now! Her name is Falicia and she and Rachel dressed as cute little matching fairies for Halloween. They wore their outfits to school. Of course when it came time to get out of the car Rachel started to panic that no one else would be dressed up... she did get out though! It helps to know your friend is going to be dressed up even if no one else is. Later in the evening we had fun trick-or-treating around our neighborhood but the girls wore heels and I think walking up and down the hills of the neighborhood in heels wore them out because once we got home I was the only one who make it through the movie "Tinkerbell," without falling asleep. There were lots of family and friends coming and going throughout the night but by 11p they were all gone minus Tess (who was fast asleep for the night on my couch) and the two girls (who were also asleep). I couldn't believe what an early night it was but I loved it!

Joy

2008-10-13T22:46:00.000-07:00

So the San Fransisco weekend was great but unfortunately my camera broke right before we left. It was a colorful weekend that deserves pictures so I am going to wait to get some pictures from Linda and Tess and then I will blog more about it. Of course now that my camera is broken I have so many things that I wish I could take pictures of. My brother David came home this weekend and we celebrated my Dad's birthday with most the family. Rachel and I had fun decorating our house for Fall and rearranging a little. We also had some people over last night. After eating we watched Step Up (pictured above)- which is in one of my favorite genra's of movies... "dance movies." As many of you know I long held a secret desire to be a dancer. Inspired by the movie and having the day off work (I have never been more thankful for Columbus than I was today) I went to a dance class at the gym. It's called "Groove." I used to go all the time but its a challenge for me to make it there in time with my work schedule now. So after not having been in a few months I went. It made me so happy. I looked very uncool as I watched myself in the mirrors but when I stopped worrying about that and watched the other ladies I was so happy. Almost everyone there looks like they are enjoying themselves. There is quite an age range, and different levels of awkwardness too. There is this one beautiful middle aged black lady who is a great dancer. She was standing in front of me today and when ever I felt dorky I would look at her because she has style. She knows how to makes every move look good and so I always try to rip off a little of her flare. Even better than her style today I noticed that she just loves dancing. It was written all over her face. She was grinning with pure enjoyment the whole time. I even fell out of step a few times just watching her. Today I was reminded that joy is contagious!
I have thouroughly enjoyed the rest of my evening.

and we are out of here...

2008-10-03T18:37:00.000-07:00

Since I wrote such a rant of a post before I just wanted to say that things went very well yesterday with Rachel's family. God answered prayers once again! I have some pictures to post but I am heading out of town with Rachel and our friends Linda and Tess for the weekend so they will have to wait. I am going meet my old roommate Miriam from Tennessee in San Fransico and we are going to a big free Bluegrass music festival in Golden Gate park. It should be really fun! My sister is up there already listening to Alison Krauss as we speak (I am so jealous!). I'll post about it when we get back.

I guess I am just like the mom of any other teenage girl tonight

2008-10-01T22:55:00.000-07:00

I just got down-right mad at Rachel tonight. I think the correct term is fed-up. She stayed home sick from school today and so I went to work late (my friend was awesome and came about 10:30am to stay with her the rest of the day so I could go to work). We had a pretty mellow night and I ordered pizza just because she was craving it and did some other nice things for her like watched what she wanted on TV. Then we started talking about her brother and she got unreasonable and hostile with me when I wasn't really trying to say anything but that I expected her to speak nicely to him even if that isn't the way they normally "joke" with each other (they tend to call one another names a lot). Well she got more and more nasty and mean until she finally said to me, "you should pull the sick out of your butt." That made me so mad (even though she has said worse). Tonight I reached the point where I felt like she had the self-control to talk about this stuff in a more mature way and I felt like I have to crack down on some of the nasty tone, rolling eyes and saying things just to be mean. The good news is that I think was a pretty typical mother-daughter fight for her age. I was kind of observing myself from a distance as I sent her to her room and then stamped all over the house cleaning in my anger. It sort of made me laugh even as I thought up lengthy arguments in my head about how "I go out of my way to be kind to her and she can't use me as a punching bag every time she is angry"... and on and on... and on. I pretty much sent her to bed after that. I told her that she can talk with me about her real feelings and struggles but she can't just be mean. I won't treat her like that I won't let myself be treated like that. She then started into how I am not her real mom and she is going to get rid of me and so on. I told her I wasn't going to stick around to listen to it and walked out. She still wanted me to pray with her before bed. All I could really say is how glad I am that the Lord listens to our prayers even though we aren't always praying with a right heart, and that Christ's perfection makes our prayers right before the Lord. Tomorrow I go with Rachel to her mom's house for her grandpa's Wake. That should be interesting. Even though I know her feelings are so complex and confusing I am still a little fired up and I will be happy to deal with her when she actually wants to talk about her emotions rather than denying that there is a problem and just being mean. I am laying the smack down!

BLESSINGS

2008-09-28T21:21:00.000-07:00

Since I haven't shared in a while I wanted to let you know some of the blessings of my life. This is a picture from earlier in the summer of Rachel, our friend Tess and me. It's from our camping trip to Big Sur. Tess has been a HUGE blessing in our lives. She just graduated college and returned back to Paso Robles for at least the next year or so. We know one another from growing up in the same church and even though she is a bit younger than me just feels sort of like family. Tess has such a great way of just coming alongside and living life with people. She likes to do the mundane things like grocery shop and wash dishes right along with me. I don't know how I would have survived a few weeks this summer without her help (particularly moving and watching an 8 year old for 4 days). Tonight when I was thinking how to summarize my summer I thought of her. What a blessing to have such a tender-hearted, growing and spunky friend who is always willing to hang out.

Another blessing has been my house. It is so fun to have a space to spread out and make into a home. It feels healing in some way, and I hope my home is becoming a place of healing for others. When I pray with Rachel at night I always pray that this is a place of healing, hospitality, good conversation, and laughter. I am a bit afraid this blessing may be turning into an idol because I find myself thinking about how to decorate sometimes during church but being domestic is just so much damn fun!

Rachel continues to be a delight. She is growing and maturing in AMAZING ways. She is doing so much better in school and daily I see breakthroughs in the ways she deals with life and emotions. Her life is very much like a hike. She keeps moving foreword even though she sometimes has rocky mountains to climb or rivers to wade through. Her interactions with her bio family have become increasingly difficult and I often feel at a loss for what to say or do in relation to them. We will be attending a memorial service for her grandfather next weekend which should be interesting. As our adoption nears closer (it should be done in November or December), I become the gate keeper of things between Rachel and her bio family. We are in the process of mediating what kind of visitation they can have once the adoption is final. It is very stressful for me. I need so much wisdom and grace. Please pray for me in this area, and for Rachel as she is trying to process this very confusing situation and the loss and grief that comes with it. Also pray that I will not operate out of fear when it comes to this situation. I know that I am not called to fear, and for that I need the Lord's peace and assurance of power.

Rachel and I decided to listen to Christmas music tonight. I am so thankful for the Lord's blessing in my life in particular and the goodness he has washed over his people through Jesus. Gloria! Gloria! Gloria, in excelsis Deo!

2008-09-09T22:36:00.000-07:00

To all my friends who are starting to fear that I will never blog again- I will. I have been taking some sort of unintentional break from blogging. Every night when I consider blogging and I think... maybe tomorrow. Since I am an analyzer I have concluded that there are many reasons why I don't feel the blogging muse come over me like in days of old. Maybe it's because now I sit at a computer all day at work, or maybe since moving to a new place where I feel more compulsion to always be cleaning house at night... which causes me to go to bed or watch TV rather than blogging (??? I know don't ask me why). I have also thought that maybe I just don't have words for this particular time of my life. There are such strange mixes of emotion from day to day, I'm really not sure I can describe what I think or feel with any certainty. The thruth is that I don't really know why I haven't been blogging but I have chosen not to feel guilty about it. I think that for things that are not moral issues, choosing not to feel guilty is usually the right way to go. So without guilt, but with some rumblings urges to start communicating with my readers (real or imagined) again... I leave you with the intention of someday blogging again. Sorry that's all I've got to give you for now but I figure it's better than nothing.

A really long post to recap the week...

2008-07-29T22:12:00.000-07:00

Here in little Paso Robles California we associate this time of year with the California MidState Fair. Dispite it's big name it's just a little fair complete with 4-H shows and blue ribbons for the best apple pie. It's pretty down home. It goes for 10 days and usually going once is enough for me. Unlike previous years I just got back from my 3rd trip to the fair. Tonight Rachel sang there with the group voice class she is taking. It was cute, they sang a country song and wore cowboy hats!

The first night of the fair my Dad bought us all tickets to see John Mayer. He is one of my favorites, and he makes some fantastic faces when he sings which we got to witness in person!

This is a picture of David, Angela and I watching Colbie Caillate, who was the opening act.
This was the whole crew but for some reason this picture wanted to be sideways.
One of the strange things about a going to concert in a small town is knowing everyone there. This is Rachel and I with my friend Domanique who we ran into at the concert. Dom happens to be my coworker as well as Rachel's old in-home counselor from a particularly aweful time of Rachel's life (no fault of Dom's). My coworkers were everywhere at this concert which was kind of weird for them to see Rachel (their old client) and for Rachel to see them system. Well that is the inbred life I lead. " AAhhhh, small towns."

Well I also spent Saturday night at the fair with Emily, Angela and Rachel (with out height differences it is hard to get us all in a picture as you can see below). We rode rides all night which I haven't done in years! The next day was my 28th birthday and the aches and pains I felt from the rides made me feel old but it was totally worth it!!! Sometimes it's great to be a big kid!

Also for my birthday I went out to a fun breakfast with my fam. Then my birthday buddie, Julie Whitacre (we have the same birthday) came to visit from Nashville just in time for us to celebrate together. My friend Linda threw us a no-kids-allowed lunch after church with some of our friends. I don't have pictures but it was so refreshing! As you all know I need my fix of uninterupted good conversation in life. It was just what the doctor ordered.

Now I can't post without letting you in on some crisis.

Friday Rachel was able to see not only her mom, who she visits monthly, but her brother Ben, who she hasn't seen in years (see the picture below). It was good thing they were able to see each other, but understandably she came back confused and off kilter.

It is confusing enough that her brother is able to live with her mom and she isn't. To be honest it is something not even social worker's understand. To add to confusion on Friday night it came out that her mother had told her that she should emancipate herself when she is 16 and come back and live with her. This caused quite a few difficult conversations this weekend. Rachel feels now that she has to chose what she is going to do when she is 16. Of course this caused her to become very mean and rejecting. Sunday night I sort of lost it and got very emotional and reactive. These comments caught me when my guard was down, and to tell you the truth it is such a confusing situation I didn't really know what to say to Rachel. It is incredibly painful for me to share her with Anita (her mom) but it is even harder to know how much pain and confusion she is experiencing that I cannot fix. We left things badly Sunday night and I had a hard time sleeping. I woke up filled with anxiety on Monday morning. I have been having to pray like crazy for faith that God has both Rachel and I in his hands. The past few days I have had a tight back and headaches, I think my body is telling me that I need some relief from all the stress of life lately. Life doesn't stop for wishing it would. The Lord is my only hope.

So pray for Rachel and I dear friends. We are going camping Friday-Monday at our annual Big Sur church camp out. Pray that it is refreshing not more stressful (this will be Rachel's first year camping with us and it will be a real change for me). Pray for clarity for each of us as we sort out our questions and our feelings. Pray for Rachel's bio family, especially her mom, as we confront this issue and work on building some trust for the future.

Also pray for wisdom of the agency people involved. I feel that someone (preferably not me) needs to try to break through to Anita and talk about the heart of the issue (what is really best for Rachel, accepting a different kind of role in Rachel's life) rather than just trying to control her behaviors. Since I will be dealing with Anita for years to come (and as soon as the adoption happens minus the support of social workers) I have a lot of fear about what the future will hold if Anita stays in denial about the adoption and continues to put Rachel in this position of having to disrupt our family life to be a part of her bio family. The problem is that you can't make someone ready to deal with something as big a losing a kid to adoption. I can't even imagine Anita's pain. I am struggling with a strange combination of anger with her and pity for her.

Even in all of this it is impossible to ignore how far Rachel has come. God is doing miracles! She is expressing her feelings with words (not just anger). In between the moments of rage and rejection (her normal response to hurt, confusion, and grief) she is still showing so much love and attachment with me. She even worked with my friend to make me a leopard print blanket for my birthday (paying for it with her allowance). So even though I know that God has to do some miracles in all of our hearts (especially mine) I know that he has started a work here and he will be faithful to complete it. Please pray faithful friends!

Hope this wasn't too long.

Have a good week!

Jessica

2008-07-24T19:43:00.000-07:00

There are a lot of things I could say about Jessica but none of them seem to capture her. She was a very vivid and unique person, a kindred spirit and a "friend for life." Her lively spirit seems like such a contradiction to her earthly absence. I will miss her all of my life.

One of the gifts she left for us was a video that she had played at the reception after her funeral. Her husband Aaron wanted me to share the link to his friend's website where the video is now posted. It is about 16 minutes, and very emotional so be prepared. One thing that was such a blessing about her funeral was the way both she and her family gave glory to God. She was not shy about sharing the importance of knowing the Lord with those she met while alive, and this video continues her bold message that God is good even in the midst of human tragedy.

I hope you are blessed by this...

www.chriswinesette.com

Laying down our lives

2008-07-22T22:14:00.000-07:00

It seems like it is all I can do to keep up with the everyday groove of life... then it all goes haywire and my exercising, budgeting, cooking, cleaning, blogging and friendships go down the tubes. For a short time this is ok, I can " get all my plates spinning again," as a social worker put it to me today. The truth is that I need Jesus more when I am at the end of myself in everyway. When I learned that my friend Jessica passed away 2 weeks ago I was definately at the end of myself. Even though I have known about her cancer and the reality of her death for so long, the loss of her crushed me. "Grief is a wierd animal," is how her brother put it at the funeral. I think that animal is trying to move in with me. The last two months have been a season of death, my grandfather and Jessica being the most significant, but it has been everywhere. Even though I am sure of God's perfect healing and victory over the grave I still ache for the losses... the seperation... the sadness... and the lack of words to explain it.

While on the one hand I feel so much grief, it is coupled by very beautiful and bright blessings. I have a new position at work which I am really starting to enjoy (now that I know what I am doing a little more). It has provided a raise, a set schedule and coworkers. Now that I work in the office I see the same two girls everyday. Its great! I never realised how lonely it was to work on my own everyday with clients. It is so fun to know who had a fight with their husband, who secretly wants to own a bakery, and what silly voices people make when talking at a computer.

Living in my grandfather's house has also been a blessing. It is much more that I could normally afford. I cannot believe I live in a "real house" with "real furniture." I still have little piles of things I have yet to unpack but it feels more and more like home everyday.

Being able to go to Ohio to Jessica's funeral was another HUGE blessing. I wasn't going to go but due to someone's donation, Rachel and I both left at the spur of the moment and went to Ohio. It was so good to be with others who knew and loved Jessica. It was so good to hug her family, her husband and her friends. It was good to see Ohio, which I identify so much with her. It was GREAT to see Alina and Karis. It was wonderful to take Rachel on her first airplane ride and out-of-state trip. It was so beautiful to see how her lively spirit brought something we all needed.

Last but not least, I am thankful for Rachel. She has been doing so well! I am constantly amazed at the progress. Yes, there is lots that we both need to work on (as anyone who spends time with us will agree) but I see so much healing happening before my eyes. It is a true miracle.

Last July I was struggling and unhappy. If you would have told me all that has happened this year, I would not have believed you; taking Rachel, becoming a foster parent, the Kodatt's leaving, all the ups and downs with Rachel's bio family, my grandfather's death, moving, Jessica's death, a new position at work, and going through the adoption process. The truth is that God has given me amazing assurance during this year. I think the hardest thing is waiting until we know what we are called to lay down our lives for. It is amazing what peace God will give us when we do lay down our lives. I am getting to the point that this stripped feeling almost feels good. I know that I am safest here, when I cannot lean on anyone but the Lord.

I have lots more to say but that's all for tonight.

P.S. The picture above is Rachel and Karis after Jessica's funeral. What beautiful girls!

2008-06-30T18:50:00.000-07:00

Hi Friends! Don't worry, I'm still alive out here. I have been incredibly busy, but very blessed too. I don't think I'll be posting a blog for another week or so because this weekend my internet is going to be down due to the move and changing stuff (strangly they have to shut down my grandpa's DSL so I can resign-up for it). I have lots to share including my move, info about Rachel and adoption stuff, a new position at work, some graduations and so on. Please don't give up on me. I think I will be back to normal (for me anyway) in a week or two.
God Bless,
Brooke

Change

2008-06-10T22:43:00.000-07:00

Dear Friends, it has been so long since I have posted, and for that I am sorry. It is a season of change here. My sister Emily is graduating from 8th grade & my brother David from high school, both this week. Rachel & I are preparing to move to my grandfather's house at the end of month. I am getting ready to embark on my first summer as a single mom, filled with childcare dilemmas and humbling myself to ask for lots of help. Tomorrow I finish the long (and may I add pointless) classes I have been attending twice a week for the last 5 weeks (a requirement to adopt Rachel) and getting ready to dive into the meat of the adoption process (lots of paperwork and personal questions). All of this is mixed with my fears, hopes, dreams, goals, loneliness, failures and grief. I spend all my time in the car (and I do drive a lot) trying to sort out how I feel about all these things. This month those of you who have talked with me know that I have a thousand thoughts going a million miles an hour. I know I need to slow down and think through this "stuff" point by point, and believe me I have been trying, but there doesn't seem to be time. I feel so sad about my grandfather's death but I don't know how to go about thinking about it. I want to lose weight but I am not sure where to make the time both physically and emotionally. I want to hang out with friends, but who and when? I want to cook more, clean more and make more money... as you can see these good desires snowball out of control and I walk around feeling paniced. After all, don't we serve the Lord who says "Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will take care of itself."

It is interesting though, as I have made time the last week or so to talk with others about these rapid fire thoughts I can feel my relationship with the Lord awakening. Since my grandfather died I have felt so distant from God, I think because I really hadn't processes my thoughts with anyone, thus I struggled to process them with God. I wondered if that was idolatry and then the sermon on Sunday made a beautiful point. God is three in one. The Trinity shows that God himself is relationship. Why are we so surprised that our earthly relationships effect our relationship with God when God has created us in his relational image? I do believe that God can sustain us relationally at the times he has given us a path that we must walk alone, but he meant us to be in relationship with other humans. So I have been thinking about this "stuff," and trying to sort it out in my car rides alone, conversation with friends, and in conversation with God and I feel clarity on a few points. 1. I am overwhelmed and fearful 2. I am excited and full of good dreams and goals 3. I am in need of extreme grace (is that a sport?), moment by moment and day by day and 4. I love my chiropractor! (he has fixed me from some awful headaches I had been having). So day by day God is faithful because he doesn't just tell us not to worry, but he promises to take care of us as carefully as he clothes the lilies of the field.

P.S. The picture above is of my family and my Dad's awesome cousins Jeannie and Polly, who were here for Papa's funeral. It is in the living room of Papa's house (which is where I am moving). It is a much bigger place than our little apartment (an unexpected blessing) but it feels weird moving there, especially as we are cleaning out his stuff. This was a special day because it was the first time that Rachel stayed in a family photo. The other few times we tried to take one (Thanksgiving and twice at Christmas), she ducked out at the last minute. This one she happily jumped in! Praise the Lord!!!!

2008-06-01T17:34:00.001-07:00

So am filling out all this paperwork to adopt Rachel. I have these tiny little spaces to write answers to really challenging questions about everything from my parent's marriage, finances, my support system, and my neighborhood. I was just in the middle of answering a question about the most influencial relationships in my life. I have been blessed with so many amazing friendships that I find it impossible to norrow it down, but in the midst of writing about this it dawned on my that I have really been struggling with loneliness. In thinking about my loneliness it brought up the question how much can you expect from your friends?

I have been so cut off from all my friendships the last month or so. I have been trying to call and get together with people but it just doesn't seem to work out. This has alot to do with my own busyness and a even a little intimidation at being honest and open with them when I don't even know how I am doing. As a working person, and a single mom. I have no husband or roommate that is just there to talk to, and talking is important to help me to process what I think and feel. There are certain friends in particular that I long for right now, those that just "get me," but it hasn't been working out to see them. In my selfish state I wish they would just drop everything and come be with me and hang out talking into the wee hours of the morning, but I know that they too have their own stuff going on. I think we humans always struggle with this. How to be a good friend to others when we feel too busy, disinterested or overwhelmed, and in turn, what to expect of our friends when we are feeling desperate for their love and conversation. Relationships are too complext to ever really have a clear answer to these questions, but I can see being a friend to me now is very different than it used to be. As we grow older, living in our own little isolated neighborhoods with our busy lives and our increasing resonsibilities, how do we ensure community? What can we call eachother to as friends and as brothers and sisters in Christ? I have always wished for my life to be different than this. Full of more community and intentional relationships, but it turns out like I am just like everyone else in America, isolated in my own little suburb. This week at least, I don't know how to be more than that. I just want a friend. Just one good one. One who will come over and hang out and just be with me. Maybe when I am refreshed and know what I think about life and myself again, I can think about community as a bigger goal. After all community starts just one friend at a time.

thoughts to a friend... (that's you)

2008-05-25T21:46:00.002-07:00

A friend I haven't seen in a while shot me an email asking how things are. What I wrote her back is about what I wanted to say to all of you, so it is the body of my post tonight. It has been a really challenging couple of weeks and I have so much to say that I have said nothing at all. My struggles are a combination of grief, confusion, sheer inability to slow down (busyness!), and some really struggles with Rachel. After having a break down at Taco Bell (complete with yelling and crying) about a bean burrito tonight, I realized that I wasn't doing as well as I thought I was.

So here are my thoughts to a friend...

"It has been a really hard few weeks as my grandfather just died less than two weeks ago. If you would have asked me couple weeks ago I would have said things were great, but as you know in life when it rains it pours. God has given me so much peace in Him this year. Even though things with Rachel have been very difficult at times I have been so blessed through the whole experience. He has given me so much love her, as if she were my own child. In spite of this peace, between my busy schedule, my grief about my grandfather and Rachel's renewed testing, I am weary. This year have been learning about living outside of my circumstances, truly having faith that God is in charge. Today I realized that in the whirlwind of things lately, I have not been believing that God is enough. The hard thing is that faith takes work. I have to push away the world's distractions, yet when I am stressed I often just pull them closer, watching more TV, eating comfort food, doing a little retail therapy, and generally feeling sorry for myself. So I am still working through all this stuff, but I feel like God has brought me so far from where I was last year at this time, so I am growing, and that's the good news."

So friends, you can pray for me because while I know plenty of things I need to do, I am not sure I know what I need.

Tomorrow would have been Papa's 87th birthday, so I know it will be another day of sharing about Papa, but grieving him too. I know I need the day to get a few things accomplished both internally and externally, so pray that I spend my energy in the right places. Hope tomorrow is refreshing for you too!

Papa

2008-05-18T22:19:00.000-07:00

My grandfather passed peacefully into heaven last Tuesday. We called him "Papa." Since I have moved back to California he has been a major part of my life, I even lived with him for 1 1/2 years when I first moved back. We would eat lunch at his house every Sunday, he would come to band concerts, basketball games and choir recitals. He loved the laughter of having us and our friends over, even if he was in bed. He was a gentle man who appreciated simple things. He was a farmer at heart, he loved digging in the earth and feeding birds who he would watch out his window. He was possibly the only family member I have that could hold his tongue. He would seldom say anything unkind about anyone, but that didn't mean he wasn't watching. He noticed people. At nearly 87 he could remember the name of almost every person he'd ever met. He wasn't afraid to laugh and he wasn't afraid to cry. He always thought people had something important to say, and they felt that. He was hospitable, full of intellegent and sometimes fiery conversations about politics, and stubborn when he was pushed. Papa caught polio at the age of 6. He fought his whole life to do things that people told him he couldn't, yet he did it with grace and without bitterness.

Having Papa these last years has been such a testimony to the Lord. God has brought so much healing to his relationship with my dad. God also provided the most amazing caregivers who knew the Lord and were able to bring him into relationship with God. Even as I grieve the loss of someone so precious to my family and me, I rejoice that he has entered a new home where there is no disease, no divorce, and no doubt. Papa I hope you get a chance to walk, run, skip and dance in that new heavenly body! We miss you down here.

2008-05-11T20:18:00.000-07:00

So it was my first mother's day I guess. It was a weird day on so many levels. For one, I felt like a cheater all day. I am a mom to Rachel and yet because she has a biological mom, and because I am so new to this mom thing, I feel like I am being false when I say "thank you" to all the "happy mother's day"'s I've been getting. I hope that changes when the adoption is complete. It might feel more official.

Rachel has had a REALLY rough week! I am not entirely sure why, she has been sick, but I think the rest is just some part of the growth process we are going through. God has given me what I have needed to deal with it, but I have also really had to fight discouragement, as her self-centeredness has been so apparent. I realized that Satan can really get to me by whispering in my ear that she will never have healthy relationships with others. My friend Linda pointed out that because relationships are such a big deal to me, it is interesting that God gave me a kid who is really going to struggle in this area. Well as I have been thinking on this issue, as well as some frustrations I have had recently with the laboriousness of foster care rules, the word I have received from the Lord is that I should not let these things steal my joy. Only through God's help can we be outside of our circumstances enough to remain joyful and hopeful. Today was a test of that joy.

Rachel was very difficult all day. I did enjoy time with my family, we had a big lunch at my house, but my "Papa" (my grandfather) has been in the hospital since Wednesday and got very ill today. We spent a lot of time at the hospital, and when not there, just worried about him. He is almost 87 and it is not a stretch for us to be preparing ourselves for his death. It is very sad for all the family, and we handle it in different ways. It was really interesting trying to mix in showing my mom love and honor, proper care for my Papa and my dad (who was at the hospital with him), being with my siblings, and dealing with a very self-centered Rachel (who was obviously hurting in her own way), and trying to prepare for the very busy week I have ahead of me. I was ok in the moment but these things always hit me later. Finally getting a moment to let my body and emotions relax, the tears come.

So I am ok, but I definitely feel like I need to quiet my heart and pray about all this. Please pray with me for wisdom, engery, time, love, patience, and most of all peace. God has blessed me with so much peace over the last months but it is very easy for me to place my hope in the wrong things, and that's when peace is more like a raindrop than a river. See it's not really about being a mother, it's about living the life God is calling you to, with contentment. Have a great week!

2008-05-07T22:43:00.000-07:00

So here is a really weird video about breast feeding your kids as long as they want to. This lady has an 8 year old that she is still breast feeding. If you are embarrassed by breasts don't watch this. Alina told me about this video and my curiosity got the better of me so I found it, now I pass it along to you. I will be interested to find out if anyone has any thoughts on the subject. Please comment. Is there merit to this idea or is it wrong? I am curious to know what everyone thinks.

Women's Retreat

2008-05-06T21:31:00.000-07:00

Here are some pictures from the women's retreat this weekend. The first one is me on the zip line... SO FUN! Then its me and Linda with our new friends, Rebbecca and Amanda. I tried to get a picture of me with every lady from our church who went. As you can see Linda got jealous. Finally I snuck one without her in it!

So I went to this women's retreat at Mount Hermon, which is in the mountains near Santa Cruz. Everything went so smoothly. Linda and I went up late on Friday so we got to ride together just the two of us, and it was so fun to just be together! We made friends with Rebbecca, who has been going to our church but we didn't really know well. She brought her friend Amanda and they were both so much fun! They work at the county jail so we got them to tell us lots of funny stories about drunk people getting booked into jail. There were 8 ladies in our cabin and staid up giggling and telling gross stories about peeing our pants, diarrhea, and county jail all night. It was such a blast to see each other in a different element than usual, staying up late, cheering one another on as we went on a zip line and without responsibilities. The speaker, Donna Partow, had a lot interesting things to say. I didn't agree with everything but it stimulated good conversation and some really neat times of reflection. She showed a video about this father and his disabled son. It is so beautiful so I wanted to share it, but I'll warn you, you might need some tissues. I think this really reflects the kind of love God has for us! I hope you enjoy it.

Here is another one about the same family! This is the one I saw this weekend.

MySpace

2008-05-01T22:22:00.000-07:00

So this is what Rachel wrote in "About Me" section of her MySpace profile.

"HI MY NAME IS RACHEL AND I LIKE TO PARTY I AM IN THE PROCESS OF BEING ADOPTED BY THIS REALLY GREAT PERSON AND THE TRUTH IS I'M NOT REALLY NICE TO HER AND I KNOW I SHOULD TREAT HER BETTER BUT I AM REALLY NICE OTHERWISE! TTYF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Today Rachel got a MySpace. While many of you may think I am insane for letting her have one, it is something that she has spent 2 months earning with her behavior. When we first wrote up the contract (yes is was written out and signed) about what she would have to do to earn a MySpace, I really didn't think she could pull it together to do it. It really shows how much her behavior has improved. It was fun setting it up today because I could see how much it makes her feel like an average girl her age. The concerns about MySpace are real. It's not always easy to avoid the skanky ads or find appropriate choices for backgrounds but believe me, Rachel's MySpace has so many parameters around it that I am not as worried about what info is getting into her, as what messages she is sending out. As you can see by what she wrote above, the way she portrays herself is a mixed bag. Setting up her profile was a good chance for us to talk about the idea that we are telling other people about who we are by what we say, wear, and value. It's also a great time to set limits with discussion and to allow her some individuality and expression through compromise. When we were choosing a background she of course wanted all kinds of provacative images. I told her to choose something that my dad or David could look at without having to think of sex or body parts. We live in such an oversexed culture that it is really hard for kids her age to understand why it's not ok to portray sexiness as your #1 trait. I think she was getting it though, I could see her trying. It was a challenge figuring out how much to compromise. We discussed that she is going to add "with my family" to "I like to party" so it doesn't sound like she is getting trashed every night. I have to admit that her profile is a bit dark for my taste (a lot of black and skulls) but I decided it wasn't the battle I wanted to fight, and let her put it on. I guess we just muddle our way through these compromises and depend on our relationship to continue the discussions.

So speaking of relationship, did you see what else she wrote? I can really feel Rachel letting down her guard with me. I am pretty sure she will earase those kind and insightful comments tomorrow, but it means something that she put them there today. She went out with her Social Worker this afternoon and I know that her Social Worker was going to try to discuss more with her about if she wants to be adopted. She was also going to bring some clarity to the confusion Rachel might have had regarding the letter her mom wrote to her. Of course these conversations are only really possible if Rachel wants to go there. I don't know what they talked about but it seemed like Rachel was in a good place both before and after their time together. The fact that she is writing about adoption is HUGE! She even wanted to make her profile name "Rachel Cone." Its always two steps foreward and one step back in this whole attachment process but I can see us moving foreward which is very exciting. We seriously need to praise God because during those months of testing I could only hope for this!

I am going to a women's retreat at Mnt Hermon. Rachel has been a little under the weather and keeps saying that she doesn't want me go this weekend, which is unusual and makes it a little hard to go. Her therapist pointed out that seperation anxiety is a normal part of attachement and development, so it's actually a very good sign. I always remind myself that it's good for Rachel to see me leave and come back, and for everything to be just the same afterwards, but I still feel a little bit bad about it.

Well I hope you all have a great weekend!

P.S. Does anyone know what TTYF stands for? Hopefully it's not bad. If I am going to be a MySpace monitoring guru I better get a little more hip and learn all these acronyms.

2008-04-27T23:11:00.000-07:00

The Prayer of St. Francis of Assisi

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace,
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
where there is sadness, joy;

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

I hope you enjoy this prayer. It is my prayer for the week, a beautiful reminder that sacrifice and selflessness are beautiful when done, not out of our Pharisaical tendencies, but as an overflowing of our own salvation. My brother Jesse and his wife Kelly have become Orthodox Christians and according to their church calendar they celebrated Easter today. Though Easter seems so far away to this protestant girl, it was beautiful to read about their Easter services and be reminded of the immense and incomprehensible sacrifice of Christ. It is in light of this that we can begin to give to and forgive others, offer faith to the doubting, and replace sorrow with joy!

Have a great week!

Earth Day

2008-04-22T20:58:00.000-07:00

So I splurged and finally bought this bedspread I love from Anthropology. I have been wanting to get it for years but lately Rachel and I have been watching One Tree Hill (yes, we are addicted to another show) and Payton, one of the characters, has this same bedspread. I started coveting it more and more every time I saw it on the show. I never spend a lot of money on anything but I figured 4 years was long enough to ponder this purchase so I bought it and I have no regrets. I have an orange dresser, which both sides match (it's got a different pattern on the back). Finding something to match my bold choice in furniture has always been a challenge but at last my room sort of looks like it goes together. Maybe it's the change in weather but I have been feeling really domestic in general. I am rearranging our small place all the time, trying to keep my plants alive (and actually succeeding), and at least desiring to become a better cook (I read a lot of new recipes, does that count??). Oh yeah, I also talk at length with friends about things they could sew for me, but never actually buy any material or attempt to learn how to sew myself. An acquaintance of mine who was at the wedding this weekend was moving and when I heard she was having a garage sale I asked if she was selling her copy of Picasso's, The Rest, (pictured below). She gave it to me and it fits perfectly above the couch- just what I was looking for. I love free stuff! The only down side is that it might make my guests feel sleepy. I will just have to depend on my exuberant personality to keep them awake. Anyway I am not sure why I am rambling on about my domestic yearnings (and my stunning personality). I will never be as creative as the majority of my blogging friends (by the way I hate you all a little bit for being so good at making things), but I enjoy my own attempts at creating art in life. When I do stuff around the house I feel like this is what God meant when He said to take dominion over the earth. This is my little corner of the earth, which reminds me, Happy Earth Day!

Wedding Weekend

2008-04-21T20:59:00.000-07:00

This weekend was my friend Beth-o's wedding. I felt very present during the wedding, like I was able to take it all in and feel how wonderful it was. Most weddings I have been in have been so exhausting that I have felt a little out of it by the time I am standing at the front, but being a local wedding, and having the excuse that I have to be home at night with Rachel, I was with it for this one. Both Beth and Nate had friends that were so excited for them, and it showed in all the ways that people thought of details to make their wedding weekend better (upgrading hotel rooms, sending flowers, handling botched programs). It was also great because the couple was excited about the wedding but focused on the marriage. Beth was relaxed most the time and was ultimately really excited about being Mrs. Watts above any detail. Somehow God brought two good looking, goofy, nerdy, godly people together that both love much of the same ministry and music. Whenever my friends find a good Godly man I always think, there is a God!

I got to meet some really cool people, and afterwards some of my friends from high school and I went out together for a late dinner, which was a rare and fun occasion. My friend's Jennifer and Linda were amazing by taking care of Rachel on Friday and Saturday. Rachel was a little mean when I got home late Saturday night, but we had a really mellow down day together on Sunday and it seemed to help. It is amazing how much attention that girl needs! Rachel had a really traumatic week at school last week. Some due to her choices, and some due to mean Junior High drama. I have spent so much time taking her into the school counselor the last couple weeks but that only goes so far to help. Please pray that things get better for her and that she turns to God when she is struggling at school, feeling Him beside her. This might be an opportunity for Rachel to see that God is real!

2008-04-15T20:53:00.000-07:00

If you look in the distance you can see the ocean. This is one of my favorite views ever!

My little model

I just wanted to post some pictures Rachel and I took after going to Morro Bay to have breakfast with my sister Autumn. I haven't been able to see Autumn much these days because she lives about 45 minutes away and has a very opposite schedule. We had breakfast at noon (I love Saturdays!) at this great restraunt on the water where there was live music. We were also able to sit outside while being completely shaded which Linda will be happy to note. It was so fun hanging out that she came and spent the night that evening after getting off work at 11pm and driving up to Paso. It was a really beautiful weekend and we took the scenic route home. As usual pictures cannot do justice to the immense beauty and the smells and sounds that we experienced. I supposed that the ability pictures have to capture one specific moment makes them beautiful in their own way though. I hope you enjoy these moments as much as I did!